Divided
Divided
by Rhian
TITLE: Divided
AUTHOR: Rhian
EMAIL: rhian.mabey@lineone.net
CATEGORY: Sam/Martouf
SPOILERS: Set in Season 4 - vague spoilers for "In The Line of Duty","Tok'ra Parts 1 & 2", "Secrets", "The Devil You Know", specific ones for "Divide & Conquer"
SEASON / SEQUEL:
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS:
SUMMARY: Sam has to deal with her feelings for Martouf and the repercussions of the events in "Divide & Conquer"
STATUS: First of a series
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis and wherever else you want, just let me know. Constructive feedback always welcomed.
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.......
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Big thanks to Jo who reassured me in my tentative trip into the strange and new world of Sam and Martouf, somewhere I don't venture often and definitely not without a tour-guide! This is the first of what I hope to be a series.
It was the sound of her own cry that woke her.
Sam sat bolt upright in her bed, eyes wildly searching for assurance that she was released from the grip of her dreams. Her heart thumped in her chest breaking the silence of the night, the rapid rhythm refusing to calm itself. She scrubbed at her face and pressed the her palms hard against her eyes. No matter what she did, for the last seven days there had been only one thing haunting her every time she closed her eyes.
That face...those eyes..meeting hers and pleading for her forgiveness as a battle was waged against a stronger force. It was at that moment he had been taken from her and with him all the possibilities she had ever imagined since the day they first met.
But she had been the one to finish it, the end result had been inevitable by then, of course she knew that, but it had been her hand that had delivered the final blast.
The echoes of so many voices, those of reason and understanding, swirled in her head - her father, her friends, the General, even Anise...
"We had no choice Sam.."
"You couldn't have known....."
"He wouldn't want you to blame yourself.."
"I promise you his death will ultimately prove to be a noble sacrifice..."
Big deal. Sam ran her hand through her dream tousled hair and sighed, they were right of course, but it didn't make the memories...or the guilt disappear.
Martouf was dead.
And she had been a part of it. She had failed him.
Sma swung her legs over the side of the bed and padded down the hall toward the bathroom. She had become adept at dodging the numerous boxes and crates that still cluttered up the apartment. It had been over three months since she'd moved in but there never seemed to be the time to unpack. Pulling at the cord, the bathroom was suddenly flooded by harsh fluorescent light that stabbed at her eyes. Sam leant on the washbasin as she twisted the tap, staring at the whirlpool of water, before scooping a handful and throwing it on to her burning face. Blinking, she raised her eyes to the mirror and stared at the woman in front of her.
The dream had been bad, the worst yet, but even so the image that looked back shocked her. The Sam Carter she knew was gone and another reflection gazed back at her, one whose shadowed eyes seemed haunted by what they seen.
Was it grief that did that to you? Took a bit of your soul with it? But she had seen Daniel recover and become so much stronger after Share's death, and having never enjoyed such intensity with Martouf, Sam wondered at the emotions that assailed her.
Had Martouf really meant so much to her that his death had left her beaten down and defeated?
Burying her face in the welcoming warmth of a towel Sam quietly berated herself, she was going to have to get past this before the morning. If *she* noticed the effects of the last week, then you could be damn sure there would be no getting by the people who knew her even better than she knew herself. Her work couldn't be denied her now, she'd fall apart, but it was going to take some pretty convincing moves to fool Janet.
Janet wasn't fooled.
It had taken barely one look before Sam had found herself perched on a gurney and avoiding the concerned eyes of her best friend. What Janet couldn't have possibly realised was that Sam was screaming inside to share the dreams, the confusion and the guilt, but there was a very fine line between best friend and doctor and Sam couldn't afford to find herself talking to the doctor and not the friend.
"So....been sleeping OK?"
"Yeah fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. Look Janet, you're not talking to Daniel here, if there was a problem you'd be the first to know."
"I hope so.......Sam, you know I'm here if you need..."
"I know."
"It's just... well, we haven't really talked about what happened...with Martouf."
Sam nodded and she slid off the bed, as she reached the door of the infirmary she turned to face her friend.
"He was just a friend Janet, that's all."
"Sam......."
Janet let her voice trail, laced with doubt and question, as she watched Sam disappear into the maze of concrete corridors.
It had taken a lot out of Sam to walk away like that, she needed to talk but wasn't sure exactly *what* it was she needed to talk about. Her "relationship" with Martouf? Whatever *that* was. The fact that she pulled the trigger on the fatal blast? Or simply that she seemed to be gradually losing her mind? Feeling her strides beginning to falter, she came to an unsteady halt and reached out a hand against the cold walls for support. Her emotions were threatening to take over, Sam bit her lip trying to stave off the ache in her chest and the rising lump in her throat, willing herself back to composure. Blinking her eyes clear, she took a deep breath and walked toward the panelled doors ahead. By the time Sam breezed into the briefing room, eased herself into the large leather chair and swung around to rest her arms on the table, she was confident that she was, at least in the eyes of her friends, once again in control.
3 days later, Sam's apartment
"Samantha..."
Sam could feel her forefinger tighten around the trigger and, with barely a twitch of movement, the vibration of the gun reverberated up her arm as another blast hit his riddled body.
All she could do was watch him fall, gather him in her arms, ripping that fateful device from his grip and cradling his head in her hands.
Then there were hands, so many hands, grasping at him, trying to pull him from her embrace, she screamed, trying to resist but her arms were torn from Martouf and she was completely alone, surrounded by blackness.
//No! No! Martouf! //
"Martouf!"
With her final scream the darkness melted away to become the familiar walls of her bedroom and, as Sam desperately sought to bury the vivid pictures of her dream, she hugged her knees to her chest and cried.
"Oh God! I can't do this anymore."
Sam had never felt so vulnerable, not even after the death of her mother. Was it always going to feel like this now...without him? Why had she held back in those infrequent moments they had shared together?
Jolinar.
There lay the reason. The invisible barrier that had always stood between them.
From that moment on the base two years ago when she first woke after Jolinar's death, Sam had been amazed at the extent to which the personality had imprinted itself on her own. It wasn't just a matter of strategic knowledge but also personal memories and emotions, and it was because of *this* that she fought against the desire she felt for Martouf. Even now, there was no way to be certain that it had been Samantha Carter or Jolinar who wanted to be with him. She could no more let herself be swayed by feelings that may not be her own, than she could allow Martouf to fall for her under some delusion that he was reunited with his lost love.
They had been, to all intents and purposes, strangers, connected only by a common acquaintance - one that would have haunted them forever.
Sam lay back against the pillows, the tears had run dry and she was hit by a wave of exhaustion. There was no way she could go on like this, something had to be resolved within her and there was only one person who could possibly understand all the intricacies of her bond with Martouf.
It was time for a little father-daughter talk.
The irony of it wasn't lost on Sam, that a large part of her life was, in fact, *better* because of a "snake".
That her father now sat alongside her, his eyes full of concern, was testament to the transformation their relationship had undergone over recent months which, in turn, was thanks to the symbiote that now lived within him. It still rankled a little, that a symbiote had managed to bring out the best in her father, the demonstrative and attentive side that had been browbeaten into submission during the years spent in the service of his country. Not that she'd ever doubted that deep down he loved her, but when you're a kid the subtleties of relationships escape you and you only ever notice the obvious. The hugs, the kisses and the quality time - all the things Jacob Carter had found hard to do.
But now? Now things were different, so incredibly different.
It wasn't that long ago that he'd been losing the biggest fight of his life, against the disease as feared as any weapon. Of course, being the reserved military type he hadn't thought it important to mention to her that he'd been diagnosed with cancer until it had almost been too late.
For the first time Sam had found herself resenting the SGC and the big "Classified" that was stamped over everything she'd achieved. All she'd wanted at that moment was to tell her father she'd exceeded all those wild ambitions they had dreamed up for her, that she'd been to space, further than even NASA could reach - but secrecy had prevented it.
In the end though, it had been the SGC that had saved Jacob Carter's life. Once the "Classified" issue had been conveniently dealt with, Sam had introduced him to the Tok'ra and, more importantly, Sel'mac, the symbiote that would, within days, restore his body to health. In return Sel'mac took residence, now an integral part of Jacob, two individual personalities sharing one human body......and her father was flourishing.
Not only did Jacob Carter have his health but he had a new purpose, the military career he left on Earth had been taking that inevitable slide toward uselessness. You'd done your time, climbed the ranks and there was nothing left but the butt kissing politics. On joining the Tok'ra, Jacob faced a new challenge, a continual struggle against the Goauld, armed only with a dwindling number of resistance forces.
Sharing the fight with him had been Martouf. The men had shared a mutual respect and trust, between both themselves and their symbiote's.
But they also shared another common goal, concern and affection for Sam.
Martouf had been there for both of them back on Netu and his strength had also ensured the secrecy surrounding the Tok'ra homeworld remained intact. At that moment Sam had seen a man she could fall in love with, saw the glimmer of truth in those feelings, that they were *her* feelings and hers alone.
It was as if her brain suddenly agreed with her heart and said "yeah, you know, Samantha Carter *could* love this guy, may be it's not just Jolinar at work here."
But once safely home, with Martouf on the other side of the galaxy, the doubts had swiftly returned. It seemed that for every step closer she got to trusting her emotions, toward finding a relationship between Martouf and Samantha Carter and not "Jolinar's host", they would be seperated again and she'd spiral back into a world of uncertainty.
And so she found herself sitting alongside her father, trying to face up to the death of the man that had, once again left her. But this time it was for ever and there would be no more steps forward for them to take, just a missed opportunity.
Jacob Carter listened to his daughter talk. The words spilling out in a jumble,
//Why hadn't she noticed that Martouf was under the Za'tark influence?//
//Had it been necessary for him to die?//
//Wasn't there some way they could have saved him?//
And so the questions went on, but Jacob knew it wasn't the answers Sam was looking for, just someone to listen who understood just *how* much she had wanted to be with Martouf.
He was her father , he'd known all along.
He also knew her well enough to realise that until she knew exactly what the score was with Jolinar there would be no rushing her. Love's always a gamble sure, but even with the riskiest of decisions at least you know it's your own emotions you're acting on - how hard must it have been to find yourself attracted to the one man who may love something about you that's not *you* at all.
"Sam, what happened in the gateroom......there was nothing you could have done. It wasn't Martouf's fault, your fault or even Anise's. There was no way to know. All I can tell you is that he helped us to understand another enemy, he's made us stronger, not just the Tok'ra but the SGC too. There may have been things you regret, but it'll always be like that when you lose someone. You think there wasn't times when I wished I told your mother what she meant to me? You know I do understand what you're feeling, don't forget how easily the blame can be laid in situations like this. Finding fault won't make things better, ultimately it's out of our hands."
Sam flushed at the memories of her mother's death, at how quickly she had made her father the one to blame for all the pain she was feeling. In effect, Sam knew she was doing the same thing, only now she was looking to herself to pin the blame.
"If you're looking for me to explain everything to you Sam, I can't. The Tok'ra are not that different you know....."
Jaocb smiled at Sam and rested his hand on her shoulder,
"...I could no more explain what Martouf felt for you than I could that biker type you brought home when you were 17, though I'd hazard a guess Martouf would have made a better first impression."
"Dad!"
Sam protested at the protective father act with a weak laugh that broke through the emotion that had built up in her throat.
"Don't think all this is for nothing Sam. There is a reason for everything, you just need to find it."
"I think you've been around Sel'mac too long Dad, you're getting a little to Tok'ra abstract for me! Look, I guess you'd better be going, I know you're wanted back. Thanks....for coming."
"Hey, I'm never too busy for my girl!"
Sam shook her head , hearing the words she had listened so hard for when she was a child. She may be older now but she still felt better for hearing them.
"Bye Dad. Say hi to Anise and Freya for me!"
Jacob smiled as his daughter wrinkled her nose at the last sentence.
"I think she'd rather hear it from Daniel.......or Jack! See you around kid."
Sam waved her father away as he left her quarters and headed toward General Hammond's office for what had become their ritual old school military get together.
"Daniel and Jack huh?"
Sam giggled softly at the thought and grabbed her jacket as she left for the lab and some long overdue work.
//There's a reason for everything. You just need to find it...//
Sam looked up from the microscope, that stray thought breaking her concentration from the P3X-944 samples under the lens. Something was bugging her , it was almost like her Dad wasn't overly concerned about Martouf's death, like he had it all figured out and everything was fine.
Hey, there were guys in SG-7 she wasn't too keen on either but if you go up against the Goauld together then, whether you like it or not, there's a bond between you and you *care* if they die.
What possible reason did he expect her to find that would make sense of Martouf's death? Sure, there was the Za'tark technology but she already knew about that, it was the *only* reason she fired on him before his finger hit the device. So what else could there be?
Sam kicked back the wheeled chair from under her and abandoned her work. She walked briskly down the corridors, dodging the people that seemed intent on slowing her down. Rapping softly on the door she waited for the southern drawl of the General to call her in.
"Come."
"Sorry sir, I was just looking for my father."
"He's just left for the gateroom with Colonel O'Neill, Major. Good to see him again."
"Yes it is sir. If you'll excuse me sir, I'd like to catch up with him."
Hammond nodded and Sam backed out of the office, closing the door with her. She sprinted up the staircase to the embarkation room, taking two steps at a time, hearing the chevrons slide into place and desperate to reach her father before he left for yet another indefinite period. As she swung open the door she heard the familiar kawoosh of the gate and knew that her father was gone, leaving her with a faint feeling that something was happening within Tok'ra ranks that neither she nor the SGC were aware of.
She returned Sgt.Davies' questioning glance with a reassuring smile and, resting her hands on her hips, she resignedly turned and wandered back to the lab.
Hitting the rewind button once again Sam watched the scene, and all its players, retrace their actions in reverse. She had commandeered a small office and, unofficially, the security tapes of the gateroom that captured the final moments of Martouf's life.
It had been hard the first time, watching from her voyeuristic point of view, Martouf's death, watching her own finger pull the trigger to finish it, watching her grief, that rare moment when Sam Carter's emotions had been laid bare for all to see. But with each playback she focussed on detaching herself, on looking beyond the tragedy that was constantly replaying in front of her and looking for a hint, some confirmation that her father's recent apathetic behaviour had betrayed whatever the Tok'ra were trying to conceal about Martouf's death.
As she watched she remembered them taking Martouf from her arms, carrying him away from her, his arms falling to the side, limp and lifeless. She also remembered the promises from Anise, and from the Tok'ra High Council, that Martouf and Lantash would be honoured as heroes, fallen in the line of duty.
But something felt wrong, call it daughter's intuition, but Sam knew that her father was hiding something, and if that "something" could ease the pain that he should be feeling for his comrade's death then surely it could ease a little of hers, and there was much to ease.
If there was anything that would end the self-recrimination, the doubts, the nightmares that made her scream out in her sleep, then Sam would find it, she *needed* to find it.
The video tape was interrupted by the shrill ringing of the phone on the wall behind,
//Damn, how did they *always* find her?//
Sam snatched the phone off its cradle,
"Major Carter."
"Major, sorry to disturb you but it's your father....he's sent a message requesting that you join him ASAP. He's sent the co-ordinates and the General's already approved your go. Were ready when you are ma'am."
"I'll be there in 10."
Hanging up, Sam bolted for the General's office.
Twenty minutes later, Sam stood at the bottom of the ramp, slightly unsettled at being alone but this had been worked out between her father and the General and she trusted them implicitly. As the wormhole stabilised within its confines she took the first step on to the metal gantry and walked through.
As she emerged, she was struck by the total darkness that surrounded her, her immediate area was bathed in the blue glow of the gate but, as that shut down, her eyes struggled to adjust to a dense blackness like she had never experienced before. As panic threatened to bubble up inside her, another light illuminated her position, glancing up to identify the source, she saw transport rings descend upon her and, with a quick prayer that this was all part of the plan, she surrendered herself to them.
Stumbling as she was released from the grasp of the rings, she thankfully looked up into the amused face of Jacob Carter leaning against the bulkhead of his cargo ship.
"Y'know kiddo, you really should be used to that by now."
"Very funny Dad! You want to tell me what this is all about, I'm not good at this cloak and dagger stuff OK."
"Sam, I didn't want to have to bring you here alone but I had no choice. I realised on the base that you had to know, but this is only for you, and I mean it. Not even Daniel, Jack or Teal'c can know about this you understand, no one. I've risked a lot for this, believe me I've taken some risks in my time but this is a doozy. I seriously leant on my friendship with George to get you out here, he's taken a chance on me Sam, on both us, but even he knows I can't tell him everything."
"*Everything* Dad? What do you mean "everything"?"
"I have to *show* you. It won't take long in this baby, so just sit back and be patient."
Frowning, Sam took a seat next to her father, feeling herself being pressed into it as the ship accelerated away.
"Here?"
Sam walked away from the ship and assessed the planet with a practical eye. It was cool, but pleasant, with dense vegetation blanketing the valley that sloped away from their landing site. Jacob motioned for his daughter to follow and Sam dutifully fell into step behind him as naturally as if it had been Jack.
About three kilometres into the valley Sam nervously spotted the telltale signs of civilisation and glanced warily at her father, in response, Jacob placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder.
"Trust me Sam, this is something you *want* to do."
They walked on through the perimeter of the settlement and into the low key activity that always accompanied this subsistance way of life. Small livestock were barricaded into pens and tended by scruffy, yet apparently well fed, children. Sam smiled weakly as they turned to stare at the tall blonde woman in unfamiliar dress that walked by them. Jacob quietly laughed at the nervous reaction from his daughter as she recoiled from the scrutiny she was under, he knew Sam never thought of herself as a "girly" girl but would she ever realise what a beautiful woman she was.........just like her mother.
Was that what this was? A desire to prevent Sam suffering the same grief that had once consumed him or was it just a faint attempt at reparation for all the times he should have been there for her but wasn't.
Jacob ushered her on and toward a low roofed shelter. As she ducked her head beneath the doorframe and walked in, Sam idly admired the workmanship that had built such a well constructed home from the most basic of materials. Hearing the sounds of movement from the neighbouring room Sam turned toward their direction. The thick canvas panel that acted as a makeshift door, was gathered back and a figure walked through and stood before her.
Sam barely remembered how to breathe let alone how to stand as her legs buckled and she fell to her knees.
"Samantha?"
He knelt down alongside her.
She couldn't talk, all she could do was reach up with her hand and, with a brief hesitation, run her fingertips along his cheek.
"It's you?"
"Yes, it's me."
Smiling, he pressed his cheek into her hand, she stroked it gently, frowning in disbelief as tears spilled over and ran down her face.
He ran his hand through her short hair,
"You cut your hair."
A small laugh broke through her tears.
"Yeah, and you dress better."
His eyes never left hers as she continued to run her fingers over his face taking in every feature, wondering at the fact that those features were now smiling down at her again.
"Martouf........Martouf......Martouf."
Sam played with his name as she spoke it repeatedly, amazed that she could call out to him once more.
"I'm here Samantha, I will *always* be here."
Sam sat at a long wooden table that seemed to fill the small room, opposite her father and next to Martouf, her hand fixed onto his arm in a tight grip as if he would somehow be taken from her again. She shook her head softly,
"How did you.........? I don't understand......"
She turned her blue eyes to Martouf's
"I thought you were dead, I thought *Lantash" was dead."
"I was dead Samantha, *we* were dead. The Tok'ra took me home, Jacob offered to take care of the arrangements concerning my death......"
Martouf looked at Jacob with a conspiratorial grin as the older man sat back and crossed his arms before continuing the explanation,
"...and I did. Don't forget Sam, I may be new to all this but Sel'mac is an expert, between us we took a gamble and it paid off."
Sam raised her eyebrows in question,
"Took a gamble...how? I mean the Tok'ra don't use Sarcopahgus' right? Jolinar made that so clear to me, so how...."
"The *Tok'ra* don't, but as you know there are always exceptions to the rule."
Jacob cleared his throat and rose from his seat, resting a hand on Martouf's shoulder,
"I think this is where I leave you to it.......Sam, I'll be outside, take all the time you need."
Sam smiled her thanks at her father's tactful departure and alone together at last, a silence fell between them. Martouf reached for her hand,
"Samantha, when you came here did you feel anything?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean did you know it was me, that I was here."
It suddenly occured to Sam the implications of what he was asking.
"No, I didn't feel you before. Now we're here, together, I can feel something but it's different, more vague. What are trying to tell me Martouf?"
"That I am no longer Tok'ra."
Sam shook her head, her mind so confused she could barely register what he was saying to her.
"You cannot sense the presence of my symbiote, Samantha, for he died in the gateroom of the SGC. All you can feel now is the faint trace of him that remains with me as Jolinar is with you.
But *I* felt Lantash when I died, like I never had before. He wasn't angry or desperate to find a new host, he *stayed* with me in death. It was to be as much of a release to him as it would prove to be for me, for he gave me what Jolinar gave you, another chance at life, a life *alone*, to be myself once again. He would be free to join Jolinar in the afterlife, reunited after so much time apart.
The damage to my body was great, yet Lantash would have never permitted the use of the sarcophagus to save our lives, he chose instead to sacrifice himself in order for me to live. With his death, as his life force was absorbed by mine, my body was no longer Tok'ra, I was, as you are now, a human with only traces of the hybrid I once was, and the Sarcophagus could heal me without detriment. Sel'mac believed that so little time had passed there was still a chance to revive me and it was, as you can see, successful."
Sam shivered at the familiar glint in his eyes as he smiled at her, Lantash may have died but Martouf was most definitely alive.
"So why the secrecy, you're alive, why hide yourself here?"
"Samantha, the Tok'ra would not understand, they would not approve, it is not.......acceptable. Better they think of me, of Lantash, as we were, leaving us both to our new freedom. For the sake of continued relations between the SGC and the Tok'ra, your father and I thought it best to withold the truth from all.....however painful that would be."
He dropped his eyes from Sam's his face shadowed by guilt.
"I did not truly believe you would be so affected Samantha, our relationship was so complex, so many things clouded our vision. My time here on Aquila has been difficult, it was so long since I had been alone, truly alone, with my thoughts.......with *my* feelings.
As Lantash has faded so I have grown to realise that I....*I*, Martouf, love you Samantha. Not Lantash, not Jolinar, just us. They have each other now and they have given each of us back our lives, our freedom. Understand that I cannot be with you now, for your father's sake, for Sel'mac, I must honour what they did for me by remaining here, my existence unknown. You must honour them also, you must give me your word that this remains between us.
I will always be here Samantha, for the rest of my life and whenever the time comes that you are finished with your work, know that I am here waiting for *you*."
Sam reached out again for him and she leaned in until their lips met, softly in that one kiss, they told each other that it was indeed just them, all along it had been just *them*.
As she wrapped her arms around him Sam smiled at the thought that somewhere Jolinar and Lantash were together looking down on them with approval.
"I give you my word Martouf, this remains between us, and that someday soon I *will* join you."
*** FIN ***
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Rhian
Heliopolis Main Archive
A Stargate: SG-1 Fanfiction Site
Divided
by RhianSite Navigation
Support Heliopolis