The Gatrix
The Gatrix
by Ruth
Summary: Jack insults some Agent Smiths, Sam gets sucked into the telephone, Daniel becomes 'The Two' and Morpheus hides under the table. All this and more, as you enter: The Gatrix!
Category: Action/Adventure, Crossovers, Humor
Crossover: other (not listed)
Season: any Season
Pairing: other pairing
Rating: PG
Warnings: minor language, violence
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 10/25/03
Title: The Gatrix
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Summary: Jack insults some Agent Smiths, Sam gets sucked into the telephone, Daniel becomes 'The Two' and Morpheus hides under the table. All this and more, as you enter: The Gatrix!
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Obviously, you all know what The Matrix is, and I certainly don't own any of it, so don't even try to sue me for it.
Details: Humour, Parody, SG-1/The Matrix Crossover (Original Film)
Archive: My site, Heliopolis, Gateworld, Fanfiction.net, Stargatefan
~ The Gatrix ~
Copyright (c) Ruth, 2003
"Godspeed, SG-1," Hammond said, saluting them before they walked through the gate.
As they stepped out of the other side, something appeared to be very wrong.
They were in a small room, with a faintly green tinge. In the corner of the room, there was a telephone ringing. As they turned back towards the gate, they were astonished to meet with a brick wall.
"What the hell is going on?" Jack asked.
"Things are indeed very strange here," Teal'c agreed, walking over to the telephone.
"Whoa, wait a minute," Sam said, "Can anybody hear footsteps?"
With their weapons aimed, SG-1 waited. The footsteps grew louder, and before they knew what was happening, the door had splintered inwards and they were facing no less than ten men, who looked exactly the same.
The one at the front cracked his neck menacingly. Jack winced.
"Ow. Felt that one, buddy."
The man stared at him, and removed his tinted glasses. The other men did exactly the same.
"Do you know who we are?" he asked, putting the glasses back on and straightening his tie.
"Well, y'all look the same, so I'm guessing you're one..two...three...eight...tentuplets!" Jack announced proudly. Sam rolled her eyes.
The man looked at him. "I am agent Smith. This is agent Smith. This is agent Smith. This is agent Smith. This is agent Smith. This is agent Smith. This is agent Smith. This is agent Smith. This is agent Smith, and this is agent Smith."
Jack laughed loudly. "Oh, you guys have the same name? That is sooo pathetic!"
Daniel looked at agent Smith, who was definitely getting angrier by the second.
"This must be a new program," he muttered to the agent Smith next to him, "One designed outside of the Matrix."
"Uh...Jack..." Daniel said, beginning to tremble, "It might be a good idea for you to shut up now..."
"What? I mean, seriously. You ALL have the same name? Oh my God!" He continued laughing.
Agent Smith cracked his knuckles and growled. The others did the same.
Sam, meanwhile, got so irritated with the continuous ringing of the phone that she crossed the room, and picked it up.
"Hello?"
Suddenly, in front of their eyes, she seemed to dissolve into the receiver.
"Sam!" Daniel shouted, trying to cross the room.
"You're going nowhere," Agent Smith declared, raising a gun to Daniel's head.
"AAAAGGGHHH!" Daniel screeched.
Jack opened fire on Agent Smith, but it did nothing. The man avoided all of his shots, and remained still with an irritating smirk on his face.
"Shit," Jack said, and dived under a table just as bullets began to rain down on them.
Sam didn't know where she was. The last thing she remembered was picking up the telephone, and then everything had turned a nasty shade of dark green.
She could see numbers and letters whizzing past her face, but she didn't know exactly where her face was.
"Hello?" she asked, getting no reply. "Hello?" She shouted this time, but still there was no reply.
Neo jumped out of his skin.
"Hello?" the toaster said again, more loudly and annoyed this time.
"Trinity!" he shouted, taking off his glasses and looking more closely at the toaster.
Trinity entered the room, pulling her coat around herself.
"What's up, Neo?" she asked.
"The toaster," he said, gesticulating with his hand, "It's talking to me."
Trinity smiled at him. "Ahh...I guess we stayed up too late last night, huh?"
Neo shook his head. "No, it's definitely talking to me. It said hello - twice."
"Sure," Trinity said, "Now, come back to bed..."
"Hello!" the toaster shouted, "Can anybody hear me?"
Trinity jumped out of her skin. "Agh! The toaster's talking to me!"
"I did try to tell you that," Neo replied, putting his glasses back on, "This is obviously a fault in the Matrix."
"A what?" the toaster replied.
Neo bent down closer to the toaster, and said, "Hello? Can you hear me?"
"Yes!" the voice replied, "I can hear you, Neo."
Neo frowned, and stood up with his hands on his hips. "How do you know what my name is?"
"Damn," the voice replied, "Umm...because Trinity just said it."
Trinity frowned. "And how do you know what my name is?"
"Damn. Umm...because Neo just said it!"
Trinity bent down closer to the floor and growled. "Morpheus, get out from under the table!"
"O'Neill, we appear to be in a lot of trouble," Teal'c stated, as the agents continued to fire relentlessly on them, "And Major Carter has seemingly dissolved into the telephone."
"Teal'c, ya think I don't know that?" Jack answered acidly, throwing another grenade at one of the agents.
"I was merely giving you an update of our situation," Teal'c replied.
"Well, I think we need a situation update pretty soon!" he snapped, as another bullet whipped past his ear.
It was then that he became aware of the fact that Daniel was not with him. "Shit! Daniel!"
Daniel had crawled out from under the table and was trying to make his way across the room. Unfortunately, agent Smith spotted him, and began to run towards him.
Suddenly, time began to run slower. Daniel stood up and began to run, and before long he was in mid-air, preparing to beat the living daylights out of agent Smith.
"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooo!" He said, and slowly, time began to speed up again.
He landed in an unceremonious heap on the floor, underneath Agent Smith, who took great delight in whipping him with his tie.
"We meet again, Mr Jackson," Smith leered, kicking him in the side.
"Agh! Would you quit doing that!" Daniel shouted, "I just had my appendix removed, for crying out loud!"
Teal'c looked at Jack.
"Sweet," Jack replied.
"Morpheus, what were you doing under the table?" Trinity demanded.
"I was searching for a new program upgrade," Morpheus said, weakly.
"Whatever," Neo said, "Jeez, my head is killing me. Trinity, do we have any aspirin?"
"No," she said, "The agents took the last lot."
"Dammit!" Neo shouted, slamming his fist down on the table, "I need some aspirin!"
"Okay, Neo," Morpheus said, backing away slowly, "We'll get you some tablets, you just have to calm down..."
Trinity backed away from him, and ran out of the door.
"Why, oh why doesn't Zion have a drugstore?" she asked Morpheus, as they vacated Neo's room.
Morpheus shrugged. Trinity remembered something.
"Yeah, just what were you doing under the table anyway?"
"Hello?" Sam tried shouting again, but the green numbers just kept whizzing past.
"Hello," a voice replied.
"Oh, thank God," Sam began, "Listen..."
"You have reached the Matrix helpline," the voice continued, "If you are experiencing trouble with your connection, press 1. If you are heading for the wrong hard drive and wish to turn back, press 2. If you're looking for our latest software upgrades, press 3. If you're lost and looking for directions, press 4."
"How do I press 4?" Sam shouted, "I don't even know where my hands are!"
"You have selected option 4," the voice replied, "Please hold the data stream."
Some cheery classical music began to play. Sam screamed.
"I'm on hold in the Matrix!" she shouted, "What the hell is going on?"
Neo sank back down on his bed and pressed his aching head into his pillow. His head was aching like mad, and he would have killed for a beer. Instead, he reached for the remote control and flicked on the TV.
"Goodmorning, and welcome to Matrix 24 - all the up-to-date news on what's going on in your data stream!"
He grunted and changed the channel.
"Hello, and welcome to the Neo channel!" a cheery woman replied, "Can't get enough of 'The One?' We're here 24/7 to help ease your pain!"
"Oh, for goodness' sake," he cursed, changing the channel again.
"How would you like to have your own Sentinel, mounted on a golden platter?"
He turned a shade of green, and decided that turning the television off would probably be a better idea. However, the battery chose that moment to run out, and he was left stranded on the Shopping channel.
"And if that's not good enough, how about a jar of 'The One's' spit? 100% real slobber!" the woman cheerily beamed.
"Thank you for holding the data stream," the voice replied, "We are now transferring you to a random exit point, and re-connecting you with your body parts. Please note that The Matrix cannot be held responsible for the damage or any loss of vital limbs or organs. Thank you for choosing The Matrix, please come again soon!"
"You're never getting my business again," Sam said, and then screamed as she began to fall rapidly downwards, into a pit of dark-greenness.
"Please keep your hands and arms inside the tube at all times," the voice advised, "And please do not wear hats on the tube."
"I don't have any arms!" Sam wailed, and began to plummet downwards.
"Remember to smile for the camera!" the voice smiled, and Sam yelled as a flash went off from seemingly nowhere.
"Have a nice journey."
That was the last she heard of the voice, before she saw herself falling towards a rectangular-shaped hole. Her descent began to increase more, and she prepared herself for the final part of the drop. She suddenly lurched to a halt, and was held in mid-air.
"Please note," the voice said, "That to avoid getting lost again, The Matrix recommends that you free yourself from machine-imposed slavery and join the fight against the Sentinels. Thank you for your time."
Sam frowned. "What?"
She suddenly lurched downwards again.
"AAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!"
"And if that isn't good enough, how about a strand of 'The One's' Nasal hair?"
"AGH!" Neo shouted, throwing the remote control across the floor.
He turned over and was about to go back to sleep when the television began to buzz.
"What the...?"
CRASH!
The TV screen smashed outwards, sending glass flying everywhere. When the dust cleared, Neo was surprised to find an attractive but annoyed looking woman sitting on his carpet.
"Uh...hello?" he asked, sitting up on his bed.
Sam sneezed some of the dust out of her nose and looked at the extremely attractive man sitting in front of her.
"Hi. Uh...I'm sorry about your TV...what the hell just happened to me?"
"Now things are getting a little serious," Jack said, watching in disbelief as Daniel started to kung fu kick all of the Agents out of the room.
"Daniel Jackson appears to be kicking butt," Teal'c commented in disbelief.
"I know - I find it hard to contemplate myself. The Matrix is a doorway to endless possibilities and our eyes have only just been opened to the infinite number of possible and impossible outcomes. Blah, blah, time inversion, blah, blah, wormholes, blah..."
Teal'c frowned. "O'Neill, I can safely say that I have no idea what you are talking about."
Jack nodded. "Me neither. Oh, look, Daniel's doing that slowing time thingy again."
True enough, Daniel rose slowly into the air, and kicked one of the agents clean in the face, sending him flying back into a wall.
"But...he's supposed to be in the corner, sneezing," Jack moaned, "Now how am I supposed to do my macho thing?"
"Your macho thing will clearly have to wait, O'Neill," Teal'c smiled, "Daniel Jackson is doing it for you."
"Um...well...my name's Sam, and my friends and I just came through the Stargate to your..."
"Whoa," Neo said, "The Stargate?"
"Yeah," Sam replied, "Ya know - the huge round thingy?"
Neo shook his head. "I thought it was just a monument of some sort."
"No, it's a teleportation device," Sam explained, "Anyway, we came through in this small room and there was this phone there that kept ringing. I was about to pick it up when all of these guys walked in who looked exactly the same as each other, and we were like: whoa, but this phone still hadn't stopped ringing, so I went over and picked it up, and the next thing I knew I was stuck in this green place with loads of numbers whizzing around my head."
Neo took hold of her by the shoulders. "You actually got inside of the Matrix mainframe?" he asked, in disbelief.
"Yeah," Sam said, her hands on her hips, "And they had me on hold for nearly fifteen minutes! Can you believe that?"
"I have to get Trinity and Morpheus," Neo said, "Stay here for a minute."
He rushed out of the room, and Sam was left to pick bits of dust out of her hair.
Daniel stood up as the last Agent was thrown out of the window.
"Wow," Jack said, "Daniel, that was..."
"Amazing?" Daniel beamed, flexing his muscles, "Maybe I'm better at this than I thought."
"Hey," Jack said, "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Now...we have to find Sam."
Just then, the telephone started ringing again.
"Uh...didn't Sam disappear into the telephone?" Daniel asked. Jack nodded.
"Then...wouldn't it be a good idea for us to follow her?" Daniel said, slowly, as Jack didn't quite get it.
"Ah, yes," Jack said, "About that - "
It was too late, because Daniel had already picked up the phone. Jack and Teal'c watched in surprise as Daniel disintegrated into the phone, leaving the receiver hanging down from the table. Jack shrugged, and replaced it.
It began to ring again.
"You next, T," Jack said, picking up the phone and offering it to Teal'c. Teal'c took the receiver, gave Jack a small bow, and entered the telephone.
Jack was left on his own. He thought about all of the stupid things that had happened that day, shrugged, and decided that it couldn't really hurt. After all, with Daniel's new found strength and Teal'c's knowledge of different warriors, where could they go wrong?
The telephone began to ring again. He sighed, picked it up, and answered:
"Yellow?"
"Oh my God!" Daniel shrieked, "Jack, where the hell are we?"
"It is me, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c replied, "O'Neill is right behind us."
"Teal'c, have you noticed that you don't actually have a body?"
"Indeed. You are correct, Daniel Jackson. This is most disturbing."
"Teal'c, is it just me or is it really green in here? Wherever 'here' is, that is."
"You are correct, Daniel Jackson. Our surroundings appear to be a nauseating shade of dark green."
"Agh! For crying out loud, where are my arms?" Jack shouted, "And my legs!"
"We all have the same problem, O'Neill," Teal'c said, "I suggest that we try to remain calm."
"Calm? CALM? Teal'c, I don't have any arms or legs!"
"Neither do I, O'Neill."
"Hello. You have reached The Matrix helpline. If you are experiencing trouble with your connection, press 1. If you are heading for the wrong hard drive and wish to turn back, press 2. If you're looking for our latest software upgrades, press 3. If you're lost and looking for directions, press 4."
"What?" Jack asked.
"Option 4," Teal'c said, "Would be most profitable for our needs."
There was a long pause, during which Daniel sneezed, even though he didn't know where his nose was.
"You have selected option 4," the voice replied, "Please hold the data stream."
Some cheery classical music began to play.
Jack shrugged. "How can we be on hold in The Matrix?" he asked, "What is wrong with the world?"
"I have often asked myself that question, " Teal'c replied.
Sam was still picking bits of dust out of her hair when Neo returned, with two other people behind him.
"This is Trinity, and Morpheus," he said, by way of an introduction. He turned back to his accomplices, "She came through the Matrix without having her consciousness transferred into her body here!"
Morpheus looked genuinely surprised. "You're telling me, that anyone can move through The Matrix without our control?"
"Yeah," Neo replied, "She just...sorta...came out of the TV."
"Wow," Trinity replied, "No wonder your hair looks so bad."
Sam growled. "So would yours if you'd just fallen out of a television."
"How exactly did you come across the telephone?" Morpheus asked, "I take it that is how you gained access to the Matrix."
"Yes," Sam said, "Well, we came through the Stargate and landed in this small room, everything was a dark shade of green..."
"The what?" Trinity asked, "Did you say a Stargate? What is that?"
"It's a teleportation device," Sam said, "The only problem is, I couldn't find the DHD, which..."
"DHD?"
"Dial-home device," Sam said, "Look, it's very simple and I'd love to explain it to you, but my friends might be in trouble and I need you to help me find them."
"There are more of you?" Morpheus asked, "How many more?"
"Three. Colonel O'Neill, Daniel Jackson and Teal'c. When I picked up the phone, all of these blokes had walked into the room, they all looked exactly the same..."
Trinity's face fell. "The Agents."
"Yeah," Sam said, "They said that too. Agent Smith, I think it was. Anyway, Jack and T seemed to be dealing with them..."
Neo shook his head. "In all likelihood, your friends are already dead."
"What?" Sam asked.
"Thank you for holding the data stream," the voice replied, "We are now transferring you to a random exit point, and re-connecting you with your body parts. Please note that The Matrix cannot be held responsible for the damage or any loss of vital limbs or organs. Thank you for choosing The Matrix, please come again soon!"
"Finally," Jack grumbled, "The customer service here is terrible."
Suddenly, the three of them began to plummet rapidly towards the ground (which they couldn't actually see.)
"Please keep your hands and arms inside the tube at all times," the voice advised, "And please do not wear hats on the tube."
Teal'c frowned. This was not turning out to be a very good mission.
"Remember to smile for the camera!" the voice smiled, and Daniel yelped as a flash went off from seemingly nowhere.
"Have a nice journey."
That was the last they heard of the voice, before they saw themselves falling towards a rectangular-shaped hole. Their descent began to increase more, and they prepared themselves for the final part of the drop. They suddenly lurched to a halt, and were held in mid-air.
"Please note," the voice said, "That to avoid getting lost again, The Matrix recommends that you free yourself from machine-imposed slavery and join the fight against the Sentinels. Thank you for your time."
"What?" Jack asked. Teal'c shrugged.
"AAAGGGHHH!"
"No-one has ever fought an agent and survived," Neo explained, "Except me, that is, because I'm The One."
"Ooh," Sam said, evidently not impressed, "Well, if nobody's ever survived, how do you know that nobody ever will?"
Trinity frowned. "Because nobody's ever survived."
"Whatever," Sam said.
Suddenly, there was a resounding crash, and the room filled up with dust once more. When it cleared, Neo, Trinity and Morpheus were greatly startled to witness three more men sitting on the floor.
"Colonel!" Sam said, "Thank God the lot of you are okay!"
"Remind me never to travel with Matrix again," Jack grumbled, as Sam helped him up off of the floor, "The service is terrible."
"Yes, sir," Sam smiled, "I'd like you to meet Neo, Morpheus and Trinity."
"Carter, you know the strangest thing? Danny Boy actually managed to beat the crap out of those Smith guys."
Neo smarted. "What?" he asked.
"Danny here, took on ten men in one go, and beat them all! He even did this slow-motion kung-fu stuff, like running up walls!" Jack grinned, "It was sweet."
Morpheus' eyes widened. "Then he must be The One!"
Neo pouted. "But I'M the One!" he frowned, stamping his feet, "It's MY name, not his!"
Daniel looked at Teal'c in confusion. "Okay..." he said, "Sorry to bother you people, but how do we get out of here?"
"I am unsure," Morpheus said, getting closer to Daniel, "You say he killed ten Agents?"
"Yeah!" Jack said, jubilantly.
"Operator!" Morpheus said, "Load the jump program!"
SG-1 were astounded to find themselves on top of an extremely tall building. The wind was blowing about their faces, as Morpheus led Daniel to the edge.
"You must let everything go," Morpheus explained, "Free your mind."
Then, he walked back to where the others were standing, took a running jump and cleared the gap between the buildings.
"Sweet," Jack murmured, "When do I get to do it?"
He tried to run off, but Sam leapt at him and grabbed hold of his ankles to stop him from doing it.
"Dammit, Colonel, it's suicide!" she said.
Neo watched Daniel with his mouth in a grim line, his arms folded.
"Nobody makes the first jump," he said to Trinity, trying to hide the fact that he was exceedingly jealous.
"You must..." Morpheus began, but Daniel waved him off.
"You want me to jump this? Please! Do I look like an idiot?"
"Yes!" Neo coughed. Trinity elbowed him in the ribs.
"Alright," Daniel said, "But this is the weirdest thing that anybody has asked me to do..."
He ignored the sound of Sam being dragged around the roof by Jack, who was still insistent that he wanted to jump.
He took a step back, and ran. His feet lifted off of the roof, and for a moment he was flying...
Then, he fell downwards very dramatically and splatted onto the tarmac.
"HA!" Neo shouted, pointing at Daniel with a smirk.
"Shut it!" Daniel shouted from the ground, "I bet you didn't make it first time!"
Back in Neo's room, Morpheus was still convinced that Daniel was more powerful than he thought.
"You could be The Two!" he suggested, "Seeing as Neo's The One."
"The Two," Daniel said, "That's a pretty cool name."
"Not as cool as 'The One'," Neo smirked, giving Daniel the v-sign.
"Oh, grow up, you idiot," Jack said.
"We have to get you back to the green room," Morpheus said, "But I think you'll have to go through the Matrix again."
"Awww..." Jack moaned, "I hated that!"
"Get over it," Morpheus said, and dialled the telephone.
"Hello. You have reached The Matrix helpline. If you are experiencing trouble with your connection, press 1. If you are heading for the wrong hard drive and wish to turn back, press 2. If you're looking for our latest software upgrades, press 3. If you're lost and looking for directions, press 4."
After another exhausting and annoying trip back through The Matrix, SG-1 were thoroughly relieved to find the DHD waiting for them as they fell out of the telephone.
Daniel turned back to Morpheus.
"Thank you, Morpheus. Thanks to you, I have discovered my true power."
"You are 'The Two,' Morpheus replied proudly, "We will be needing your services again, soon."
"Just give us a call," Daniel grinned, "C'mon, lower beings!" he said jokingly.
Teal'c and Sam glared at him.
Jack frowned. As Daniel stepped up to the gate, Jack booted him through it.
"That'll teach him to call me a lower being," he mumbled, as he went through after his friend.
When the gate shut down, Morpheus, Neo and Trinity were left on their own.
"Well...that was strange," Trinity said.
"Yeah," Neo replied, "Who would have thought that there'd be a 'Two' out there?"
"Well, there is," Morpheus commented, "And we will no doubt need their help again. After all, everything that has an end, has a beginning..."
(Long Pause)
"Morpheus, you retard, it's the other way around."
"Oops. Sorry."
THE END (for now)
Author's Note: Who fancies 'The Gatrix Reloaded'? Please send feedback!
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Ruth
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