Pay Cuts
Pay Cuts
by Valaika
Title: Pay Cuts
Author: Valaika
Email: valaika@thevortex.com
Category: Challenge, Humor
Pairing: Sam/Martouf
Spoilers: none
Season: 4
Rating: PG
Content Warnings: none,
Challenge: # 943
Summary: just some silly fun...well, i'm hoping it's funny
Status: Completed
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
Author's Notes: yeah..i wrote this in 15 min....so don't be too harsh in your criticisms...
Challenge #943
The story should have:
1. Teal'c saying "This is silly. This is SOoooooo silly." at least three times.
2. Sam working at a market ( selling fish or something ).
3. Jack and Hammond singing together on the streets.
4. Daniel being a dogsitter ( he's allergic, heh heh...).
5. Apophis being a drug dealer.
6. Hathor, Marty, Narim, Heru-ur and Seth must make an appearance.
PROLOGUE: THE THOUGHTS OF ALL SGC PERSONNEL.
How could they do it?
What they did - it was terrible!
Working for the military government types was bad enough, but this?
Salary cuts.
Did they even do that sort of thing?
Just the bare essentials...that's all they want us to have!
Well, I want more than that!
And I'll do what I must for it!
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
One fine day, the General and Jack went grocery shopping.
"Well, Jack, I know it's bad,"
"Bad! For cryin' out loud, General, Sir, they had no right!"
"Hmm, you're right colonel, our pay's low enough."
"We risk our lives for this freakin' planet almost everyday!"
"Well, I'm low on funds and there's nothing much I an do about it."
"You're low on funds?!?" He picked up a head of lettuce dramatically, "I can't even afford this lettuce! Or this Tomato, or this carrot...I like carrots." He dropped it and moped pathetically.
"Colonel, I just can't bare to see you in this condition and longer."
"What do you suppose we should do?"
"How's you're throat doing?"
* * * * * * * *
Teal'c was just about the only one that wasn't affected by the sudden decrease in funds. He was doing just fine. He lived at the SGC anyway. He ate there and slept there. He had no problems. It's not like he got much pay in the first place. So he wasn't doing as badly as his friends. One fine day off, he decided to visit them.
"AHCHOOO!"
"Daniel Jackson what is the matter?"
"Ah-Chooo!!! I'm dog-sitting."
Teal'c noted his five new furry friends, "Are you not -
"Ah-Choo!"
"Allergic to canines?"
"YES! AH-CHOO!"
"You must explain this to me Daniel Jackson"
"It's the only job I could find! AH-CHOO!"
"Could I be of assistance?"
"No, Ah-choo! maybe you should just leave, Ah-choo! I'm sneezing all over you."
"Very well then, Daniel Jackson, I shall. You're constant sneezing, it is quite silly."
"Ah-choo, bye, Ah-choo."
"Goodbye Daniel Jackson, I shall return to the base and Ghezuntite."
"Thanks Teal'c. AH-CHOO! AH-CHOO! AH-CHOO!"
* * * * * * * * *
Back at the base, An off-world activation takes place. Teal'c is the only member of SG-1 present at the time, and General Hammond has taken the day off with Colonel O'Neill. He is not aware of their whereabouts. "It is the Tok'ra." A man at the console informs him.
He steps into the gate room and waits for their arrival.
Martouf steps through - alone.
"Where is Samantha?"
"She is not currently on the base."
"I must see her! Take me to her!"
"Very well, Martouf, come with me."
After providing him with some 'native clothing' they set out to find Sam.
"Captain Carter has informed me that she will be at the harbor all day."
"Doing what?"
"She did not specify."
They arrived at the fish market and looked around.
There's Sam, in all her glory, selling fish, yelling out prices and competing with her neighbors.
Martouf ran to her, "Samantha!" grabed her foul fish-smelling hand and kissed it, immediately pushing it back after the brief disgusting taste.
She pulled it back just as he did so, "What are you doing here?" She glares at Teal'c.
"He insisted to see you right away."
"What's so important? I'm trying to earn a living here!"
"I have come to proclaim my love for you!'
"Excuse me?"
"The Tok'ra would not have it, but I wish to stay here with you!"
"Martouf, you're being silly."
"Yes, Martouf, this is quite silly, your behavior is unacceptable. We should not have disturbed you so Samantha Carter."
"But I love you Sam! Come with me, and you will never need to sell fish again!"
She looked at the trout in her hand and back at Martouf, sounded like a good deal, "Okay!" She jumped over the counter and they ran away together.
Teal'c stared after them, "This is soooo silly."
* * * * * * * * * *
So Teal'c started walking back to the SGC, it would be a long way, how did he get here anyway?
It did not matter. He would return to the SGC and inform them of Major Carter's undignified behavior.
He turned the street corner to spy another silly sight.
General Hammond was playing a guitar.
O'Neill was tap-dancing and singing an unfamiliar tune - but then again all Tau'ri tunes were unfamiliar to him.
"Give my regard to Broadway..."
"Who is Broadway?" he asked as he approached them.
"It isn't a person Teal'c it's a street."
He prepared himself to ask more questions but was pushed away.
"Move away Teal'c, you're driving away our audience." The General commanded him.
Teal'c stepped to the side noticing the guitar case was full of loose change and people were dropping more as they passed by.
One person in particular caught Teal'c's eye...two people in fact.
They were in trench coats and their faces covered, as they passed their eyes glowed. Goa'uld! "O'Neill! We are in danger."
"For crying out loud Teal'c stop interrupting our act!"
The demons raised their heads, "It is Apophis and Seth!"
"What?" The General was quick to respond, he took his guitar and smashed it over Apophis's head and Teal'c simply knocked Seth out.
A while later, in the cellar of a nearby abandoned warehouse, they were questioned.
"What are you doing here, and I thought we killed you!"
"Pathetic humans! A god doesn't die so easily!"
"Shut up!"
"Why are you on Earth?"
"We have found you're weakness, measly Tau'ri!"
"Really?"
"Yes, you are a weak species and easily susceptible to Kotka."
"What the hell's a Kotka?"
"O'Neill, I believe it is a highly addictive drug which produces false feelings of euphoria and painlessness in a human."
"You've become drug-dealers?"
Their eyes glowed as they both raged, "Foul Tau'ri you shall die for this insolence! How dare you question us!"
"Oh, shut up," and O'Neill took out a zat from under his jacket and shot both of them.
"O'Neill, you have killed them."
The General stepped out of the safe corner he had been hiding in just in case the two got loose and said, "I doubt that Teal'c, they may seem dead now, but they will come back...they always do...let's leave them here so that they can, and when we run out of storylines we'll just use them."
Teal'c bowed.
"Okay, now can we get back to our corner? We were making some good change out there!"
They did so and Teal'c watched for a while then he was finally fed up. "General Hammond, O'Neill, this is silly!"
"Excuse me?"
"You will leave this corner now and return with me to the SGC."
They did and on their way they stopped by the train station where they found Sam and Martouf making out, neither of them had enough money to actually go anywhere. They also went by Daniel's apartment and Teal'c forcefully grabbed him and let all the dogs run out into the corridor.
Back at the SGC Teal'c asked the General to call the president and do make sure he did so, he brought out his staff and placed it squarely on his chest.
On the phone with the president, Teal'c most eloquently set forth his case and asked that the initial salaries of the SGC personnel be re-instated.
After hearing the happenings the president immediately did so, not only that, but he also gave them a 50% raise.
With the extra money, they all went out and bought themselves some crazy items....but that's another story....
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