“Jesus, Daniel, how long does it take?”
I swear, I’ve never known anyone take so long to pack for a vacation. Carter, Teal’c and I have been standing here, totally ready, by Daniel’s front door for the last half hour. Our flight leaves soon, and we are NOT going to miss it.
The bad news is that I can hear several colourful profanities emanating from the direction of Daniel’s bedroom. I’m either very brave or very stupid, but either way, I’m going in.
What the hell? Daniel is literally sitting on top of his suitcase, legs dangling off the side of the bed. He looks like a kid that’s been lifted up onto a high sideboard, feet swinging, waiting to lick the cookie dough off the spoon. Except, instead of the happy kid look, Daniel’s expression is far more reminiscent of a constipated hyena.
“What are you doing?”
“Trying to… get the… crappy… annoying… bastard thing shut.”
Did I mention the profanities?
Okay, as funny as this is, Daniel’s starting to make some pretty weird straining noises. Aside from the fact he’s in danger of giving himself a hernia, we really need to scram. Right, this definitely needs an experienced parent’s gentle touch.
“JACK!”
What? I only pushed him back off the suitcase. It’s not my fault he’s now flailing around on his back like an upside-down crab!
“What in the hell have you got in here, Daniel? We’re only going for two weeks!”
“Nothing.”
Yeah, right!
“No, really, I just thought I’d take an extra pair of shoes. You know, for if we go somewhere nice.”
Daniel is, without doubt, the worst liar I know. Every inch of his face screams ‘the truth is no where to be seen!’
Ah, I see the problem. Wow, what a shocker. Certainly didn’t see this coming.
“No books allowed, Danny Boy.”
“But…”
“Nope. None, Nada, Nilch.”
Holy crap, I’ve pulled out four veritable War and Peace sized hardbacks so far, and I can still see more heavy tomes buried amongst Daniel’s clothes. I can see him out of the corner of my eye. He’s trying his ‘but I need them to survive’ look. You wait, his bottom lip will start quivering soon. Not gonna work this time, buddy.
“Daniel, aside from the fact that the RV wouldn’t take the weight of this small library, Carter wasn’t allowed to bring her laptop, and Teal’c wasn’t allowed to bring his staff weapon.”
And believe me, Carter gave me the patented ‘this is so unfair!’ look, and Teal’c scowled menacingly for a full hour.
“I have to treat all you kids fairly, or you’ll fight.”
“We’re not children, Jack.”
And oh look! The suitcase now closes with surprising ease. Who’d have thought it?
“Could’ve fooled me, now MOVE IT!”
****
We made the flight, just barely. I managed to get us four seats all together, and after a bit of Daniel whining about not having a window seat, I fed him, watered him and he’s slept through the last four hours on my shoulder. Lucky bastard. I can’t sleep a wink, plus I really need to pee.
Carter and Teal’c are making the most of the in-flight entertainment. I think Teal’c’s beaten Carter at Space Invaders eight times in a row. I’ve just been watching Harry Potter and the… what was it? Oh, The Chamber of Secrets, on the tiny screen in front of me. Just getting myself accustomed to the British accent. Who said I can’t do research!
I’ve never been to England before. I don’t think Carter has either, and we know Teal’c’s never been outside the US, besides travelling across the galaxy, of course.
God, bladder’s really screaming now, but I don’t have the heart to wake up Daniel. Plus, it’s one of those ‘rock and a hard place’ scenarios. At least if he’s asleep, he’s quiet.
****
“Good evening, ladies and gentleman. We will be starting our approach to London Heathrow in about five minutes.”
Woo hoo! I lost all the feeling in my ass about eight hours ago, let alone the fact that my knees have been up by my ears for most of the journey. You’d think a colonel in the United States Air Force could at least get a little extra legroom.
“Local time is 5:30pm, and the temperature is a comfortable 64 degrees.”
The air force teaches you to handle dangerous explosives, which, for me, now includes the careful awakening of one volatile, grumpy, caffeine-deprived archaeologist. So about five minutes ago, I asked the particularly effeminate flight attendant if he would mind getting our slumbering genius a cup of coffee. Technically, drinks are not permitted this close to landing, but with a bit of harmless flirting and eye lash batting, plus a sneak peak at the apparent cuteness of Daniel asleep, I think said effeminate flight attendant would have acquiesced to my every whim. Hey, Daniel’s not the only one who can use his charm and good looks to his own advantage.
I can already start to feel Daniel stirring as the aroma hits his sensitive, coffee detecting snout. Yep, there we go.
“Wakey, wakey, Daniel.”
“Agggh.”
Was that English?
“Coffee?”
“Mmm, thanks.”
Well, his hair’s sticking up on one side, and he’s got a stunning red pressure mark where his face has been pressed into my shoulder.
“So, was I comfortable?”
“No.”
No? He slept for nearly six hours straight. Not even the turbulence woke him up.
“Too bony.”
Well, thanks.
****
“Come on, T!”
We’re at the RV hire place, having just finished signing the multitude of forms. I didn’t even have to fill in this much paperwork the last time Carter blew up her lab. And what’s with all the crazy names? It’s like speaking a foreign language. ‘Don’t lift the bonnet unless you really know what you’re doing,’ the guy says. Bonnet? I don’t wear a bonnet!
“Jack, a bonnet is a hood. A boot is a trunk. Windscreen, windshield. Indicator, turn signal. Exhaust, tail pipe. O’Neill, Jackass.”
Hey!
“Daniel, infuriating know-it-all.”
And it begins: strange accents, weird names for things, and Daniel, the walking encyclopaedia.
We’re about ready to move out, but Teal’c’s in the restroom. As soon as we discovered that he really needed to go, all remaining members of SG-1 provided very clear, and quite loud, instructions to our alien friend that our lovely new RV toilet was off limits to all such Jaffa No.2s. Daniel went into great detail as to why these particular ablutions were not permitted. Don’t worry; we took away the paper and pencil before he began to illustrate his point.
I have to say, though, our RV is particularly cool! It’s kinda small, but it’s got all the creature comforts that one needs for two weeks of touring. I really can’t wait to drive this sucker!
Plus, and I know this is truly unbelievable, but I swear I’m the only adult here. Carter and Daniel have already found a way to pass the time by starting a game to see who can scare the crap out of the other the most times. It’s kind of odd really; you can be holding a perfectly normal conversation with Carter, and then Daniel will come hurtling out of nowhere, like Tarzan on speed, trying to make her jump. For someone who complained so much about coming on vacation, he certainly seems to be getting into the spirit.
Unfortunately, I’m seriously getting caught in the crossfire.
“Geez, if Teal’c takes much longer, we’ll never make it to the campsite before dark, and we’ll be camping on the side of the damn highway.”
“Actually, Jack, you can’t camp on the side of the road here; it’s illegal. And it’s not called a highway. It’s called a motorway.”
Of course it is.
At least he and Carter are laughing, a rare but pleasant sight.
“O’Neill, I am now ready.”
At last!
“Okay, kids. All aboard!!”
Jesus, talk about a stampede. I can safely say that I’ve never seen Daniel move so fast to one of my commands. Perhaps this vacation really was a good idea.
****
Right then, I get in this side, the key goes there, my feet go there, the gear stick’s here, the parking break’s there, the lights and wiper controls are here, I can see out of both mirrors…
“Jack, are we leaving, or are you going to spend all night making out with the RV?”
Ha ha, very funny!
“Just performing my flight check, Danny.”
Right, here we go!
“JACK!”
“SIR!”
“O’NEILL!”
Well, if I didn’t know my name, I sure do now.
“For crying out loud, what?”
“You have to drive on the left!”
Oh yeah! Oops!
****
Great, now we’re stuck in a supermarket. It’s a necessary evil because we need supplies, but, unfortunately, Teal’c’s never been in a supermarket before. Do the words, ‘kid in a candy store’ mean anything to anyone? Carter, Daniel and I have finished our shopping and have been in the little café now for nearly an hour and a half. Teal’c’s still out there somewhere.
Everything really does seem to be called something different here, and it’s getting confusing. True to form, Daniel, the dictionary, has already very kindly informed us that a shopping cart is not a cart; it’s a trolley. Mmm, I wonder if a swift kick in the shins is still a swift kick in the shins.
“O’NEILL!! O’NEILL!!”
Jesus Christ! Teal’c just came screaming out of an aisle and is currently racing towards us at the speed of sound. I’m waiting for the hoard of wild, weapon bearing locals to come flying round the corner after him. He looks really spooked, and that was close to a ‘we are in mortal peril’ type yell. There can’t be any danger here, surely. Or maybe the English are weirder than I thought.
“Jesus, Teal’c, I think the whole store heard you.”
“O’Neill, we must return to the SGC immediately!”
Geez, he looks really worried.
“Why?”
“We must warn General Hammond, so he may contact this country’s leaders.”
“And again, why?”
“Observe.”
Oh my. I can’t help it, the laugh escaped before I could stop it.
Yep, Carter and Daniel are having the same problem, holding their sides, tears streaming down their faces. We’re getting some pretty funny looks from people, but sorry T, this is just too funny.
“What is so amusing?”
Oh, if only I could answer. He’s holding a packet of cookies. Well, on closer inspection, they’re not actually cookies, per se. The packet says ‘Jaffa Cakes’.
“O’Neill, it is imperative that we inform General Hammond immediately that the Goa’uld have been present here.”
Oh dear, I think Daniel’s lost the ability to breathe.
“No, T, that doesn’t mean Jaffa, as in ‘the Jaffa’.”
Help me! I can’t get the rest out. Ah, Carter to the rescue. She’s snatched the box off him already.
“Teal’c, it means Jaffa as in the or…orange fruit. They’re orange fl… flavoured chocolate cake-like cookies.”
Nicely done, Carter! It’s hard to laugh and talk at the same time.
Oh dear, Teal’c’s slumped in the chair, looking totally dejected. Panic over T, no fighting scary Jaffa troops today.
Daniel’s beet red face is fading at last as the laughter dies down. Every now and then, he and Carter are hit with a fresh round of giggles each time they think of poor Teal’c’s panicked expression.
“We about ready to leave, kids?”
“One moment, O’Neill.”
“Where are you going?”
“I wish to purchase this item as a gift for Master Bratac.”
****
You know what? Our campsite is rather nice. We’re staying just outside London, in the middle of the countryside, and we’re currently parked under a tree. There’s a little stream running along behind the RV, or in British English as Daniel informs me, the motor home. We’re only here for a few nights, but it’ll allow us to get our bearings.
It’s just starting to get dark, and Teal’c and I are sitting here chilling out while the kids are off exploring. They’ve been gone for a while, but I noticed that Daniel took his towel with him, so I guess his exploration will include the shower block.
There are no fish in the stream, but we’ve had a great BBQ, it’s peaceful, and I’m just starting to rela…..
“AAAGGHHHHHHHH!!”
What the hell? Oh, for crying out loud, Daniel! What the hell is he doing? He and Carter are sprinting back over here and, I kid you not, he’s running back over in just a towel.
Teal’c is up and out of his chair, prepared to fight, before I even have a chance to convince my knees that they may need to take action.
“HELP!!”
What the…
“We’re being attacked by a hoard of Jaffa……... cakes!!!!”
Oh very funny! I hope they realise my delicate disposition can’t take all this excitement. They’re both rolling around in peels of laughter, and I notice Daniel is, at least, wearing boxers under his towel. Thank God. I’m not sure the little kids next door need that kind of trauma.
I honestly don’t think Teal’c’s eyebrow could rise any higher if he tried; he’s not impressed. Carter and Daniel, however, seem to think that makes it even funnier.
What did I tell you? For once, I really am the only adult here.
****
Well, Carter went out like a light as soon as her head hit the pillow. All that laughing has worn her out. Teal’c has taken his place on the floor to begin his kelnoreem. I managed to convince him that four candles would be enough, unless of course, his goal was to set the RV on fire.
Daniel, on the other hand, is acting like a kid on Christmas Eve. He’s been looking through a local guidebook that he picked up in the campsite shop. I’m half expecting him to start saying, ‘Can we go to every museum in England tomorrow, Jack? Can we, huh, can we?’ I’m guessing the four double espressos he had this evening may have something to do with it.
God, listen to me. I sound like an exhausted parent putting his kids to bed. But then, maybe that isn’t so far from the truth.
“Jack?”
Ugh, just as I was dropping off to sleep. At least he had the decency to whisper.
“Yes, Daniel.”
“Can we go into the city and visit Buckingham Palace tomorrow?”
Ah, to know him is to love him.
“Yes, Daniel, we can.”
On to part 3!
I swear, I’ve never known anyone take so long to pack for a vacation. Carter, Teal’c and I have been standing here, totally ready, by Daniel’s front door for the last half hour. Our flight leaves soon, and we are NOT going to miss it.
The bad news is that I can hear several colourful profanities emanating from the direction of Daniel’s bedroom. I’m either very brave or very stupid, but either way, I’m going in.
What the hell? Daniel is literally sitting on top of his suitcase, legs dangling off the side of the bed. He looks like a kid that’s been lifted up onto a high sideboard, feet swinging, waiting to lick the cookie dough off the spoon. Except, instead of the happy kid look, Daniel’s expression is far more reminiscent of a constipated hyena.
“What are you doing?”
“Trying to… get the… crappy… annoying… bastard thing shut.”
Did I mention the profanities?
Okay, as funny as this is, Daniel’s starting to make some pretty weird straining noises. Aside from the fact he’s in danger of giving himself a hernia, we really need to scram. Right, this definitely needs an experienced parent’s gentle touch.
“JACK!”
What? I only pushed him back off the suitcase. It’s not my fault he’s now flailing around on his back like an upside-down crab!
“What in the hell have you got in here, Daniel? We’re only going for two weeks!”
“Nothing.”
Yeah, right!
“No, really, I just thought I’d take an extra pair of shoes. You know, for if we go somewhere nice.”
Daniel is, without doubt, the worst liar I know. Every inch of his face screams ‘the truth is no where to be seen!’
Ah, I see the problem. Wow, what a shocker. Certainly didn’t see this coming.
“No books allowed, Danny Boy.”
“But…”
“Nope. None, Nada, Nilch.”
Holy crap, I’ve pulled out four veritable War and Peace sized hardbacks so far, and I can still see more heavy tomes buried amongst Daniel’s clothes. I can see him out of the corner of my eye. He’s trying his ‘but I need them to survive’ look. You wait, his bottom lip will start quivering soon. Not gonna work this time, buddy.
“Daniel, aside from the fact that the RV wouldn’t take the weight of this small library, Carter wasn’t allowed to bring her laptop, and Teal’c wasn’t allowed to bring his staff weapon.”
And believe me, Carter gave me the patented ‘this is so unfair!’ look, and Teal’c scowled menacingly for a full hour.
“I have to treat all you kids fairly, or you’ll fight.”
“We’re not children, Jack.”
And oh look! The suitcase now closes with surprising ease. Who’d have thought it?
“Could’ve fooled me, now MOVE IT!”
****
We made the flight, just barely. I managed to get us four seats all together, and after a bit of Daniel whining about not having a window seat, I fed him, watered him and he’s slept through the last four hours on my shoulder. Lucky bastard. I can’t sleep a wink, plus I really need to pee.
Carter and Teal’c are making the most of the in-flight entertainment. I think Teal’c’s beaten Carter at Space Invaders eight times in a row. I’ve just been watching Harry Potter and the… what was it? Oh, The Chamber of Secrets, on the tiny screen in front of me. Just getting myself accustomed to the British accent. Who said I can’t do research!
I’ve never been to England before. I don’t think Carter has either, and we know Teal’c’s never been outside the US, besides travelling across the galaxy, of course.
God, bladder’s really screaming now, but I don’t have the heart to wake up Daniel. Plus, it’s one of those ‘rock and a hard place’ scenarios. At least if he’s asleep, he’s quiet.
****
“Good evening, ladies and gentleman. We will be starting our approach to London Heathrow in about five minutes.”
Woo hoo! I lost all the feeling in my ass about eight hours ago, let alone the fact that my knees have been up by my ears for most of the journey. You’d think a colonel in the United States Air Force could at least get a little extra legroom.
“Local time is 5:30pm, and the temperature is a comfortable 64 degrees.”
The air force teaches you to handle dangerous explosives, which, for me, now includes the careful awakening of one volatile, grumpy, caffeine-deprived archaeologist. So about five minutes ago, I asked the particularly effeminate flight attendant if he would mind getting our slumbering genius a cup of coffee. Technically, drinks are not permitted this close to landing, but with a bit of harmless flirting and eye lash batting, plus a sneak peak at the apparent cuteness of Daniel asleep, I think said effeminate flight attendant would have acquiesced to my every whim. Hey, Daniel’s not the only one who can use his charm and good looks to his own advantage.
I can already start to feel Daniel stirring as the aroma hits his sensitive, coffee detecting snout. Yep, there we go.
“Wakey, wakey, Daniel.”
“Agggh.”
Was that English?
“Coffee?”
“Mmm, thanks.”
Well, his hair’s sticking up on one side, and he’s got a stunning red pressure mark where his face has been pressed into my shoulder.
“So, was I comfortable?”
“No.”
No? He slept for nearly six hours straight. Not even the turbulence woke him up.
“Too bony.”
Well, thanks.
****
“Come on, T!”
We’re at the RV hire place, having just finished signing the multitude of forms. I didn’t even have to fill in this much paperwork the last time Carter blew up her lab. And what’s with all the crazy names? It’s like speaking a foreign language. ‘Don’t lift the bonnet unless you really know what you’re doing,’ the guy says. Bonnet? I don’t wear a bonnet!
“Jack, a bonnet is a hood. A boot is a trunk. Windscreen, windshield. Indicator, turn signal. Exhaust, tail pipe. O’Neill, Jackass.”
Hey!
“Daniel, infuriating know-it-all.”
And it begins: strange accents, weird names for things, and Daniel, the walking encyclopaedia.
We’re about ready to move out, but Teal’c’s in the restroom. As soon as we discovered that he really needed to go, all remaining members of SG-1 provided very clear, and quite loud, instructions to our alien friend that our lovely new RV toilet was off limits to all such Jaffa No.2s. Daniel went into great detail as to why these particular ablutions were not permitted. Don’t worry; we took away the paper and pencil before he began to illustrate his point.
I have to say, though, our RV is particularly cool! It’s kinda small, but it’s got all the creature comforts that one needs for two weeks of touring. I really can’t wait to drive this sucker!
Plus, and I know this is truly unbelievable, but I swear I’m the only adult here. Carter and Daniel have already found a way to pass the time by starting a game to see who can scare the crap out of the other the most times. It’s kind of odd really; you can be holding a perfectly normal conversation with Carter, and then Daniel will come hurtling out of nowhere, like Tarzan on speed, trying to make her jump. For someone who complained so much about coming on vacation, he certainly seems to be getting into the spirit.
Unfortunately, I’m seriously getting caught in the crossfire.
“Geez, if Teal’c takes much longer, we’ll never make it to the campsite before dark, and we’ll be camping on the side of the damn highway.”
“Actually, Jack, you can’t camp on the side of the road here; it’s illegal. And it’s not called a highway. It’s called a motorway.”
Of course it is.
At least he and Carter are laughing, a rare but pleasant sight.
“O’Neill, I am now ready.”
At last!
“Okay, kids. All aboard!!”
Jesus, talk about a stampede. I can safely say that I’ve never seen Daniel move so fast to one of my commands. Perhaps this vacation really was a good idea.
****
Right then, I get in this side, the key goes there, my feet go there, the gear stick’s here, the parking break’s there, the lights and wiper controls are here, I can see out of both mirrors…
“Jack, are we leaving, or are you going to spend all night making out with the RV?”
Ha ha, very funny!
“Just performing my flight check, Danny.”
Right, here we go!
“JACK!”
“SIR!”
“O’NEILL!”
Well, if I didn’t know my name, I sure do now.
“For crying out loud, what?”
“You have to drive on the left!”
Oh yeah! Oops!
****
Great, now we’re stuck in a supermarket. It’s a necessary evil because we need supplies, but, unfortunately, Teal’c’s never been in a supermarket before. Do the words, ‘kid in a candy store’ mean anything to anyone? Carter, Daniel and I have finished our shopping and have been in the little café now for nearly an hour and a half. Teal’c’s still out there somewhere.
Everything really does seem to be called something different here, and it’s getting confusing. True to form, Daniel, the dictionary, has already very kindly informed us that a shopping cart is not a cart; it’s a trolley. Mmm, I wonder if a swift kick in the shins is still a swift kick in the shins.
“O’NEILL!! O’NEILL!!”
Jesus Christ! Teal’c just came screaming out of an aisle and is currently racing towards us at the speed of sound. I’m waiting for the hoard of wild, weapon bearing locals to come flying round the corner after him. He looks really spooked, and that was close to a ‘we are in mortal peril’ type yell. There can’t be any danger here, surely. Or maybe the English are weirder than I thought.
“Jesus, Teal’c, I think the whole store heard you.”
“O’Neill, we must return to the SGC immediately!”
Geez, he looks really worried.
“Why?”
“We must warn General Hammond, so he may contact this country’s leaders.”
“And again, why?”
“Observe.”
Oh my. I can’t help it, the laugh escaped before I could stop it.
Yep, Carter and Daniel are having the same problem, holding their sides, tears streaming down their faces. We’re getting some pretty funny looks from people, but sorry T, this is just too funny.
“What is so amusing?”
Oh, if only I could answer. He’s holding a packet of cookies. Well, on closer inspection, they’re not actually cookies, per se. The packet says ‘Jaffa Cakes’.
“O’Neill, it is imperative that we inform General Hammond immediately that the Goa’uld have been present here.”
Oh dear, I think Daniel’s lost the ability to breathe.
“No, T, that doesn’t mean Jaffa, as in ‘the Jaffa’.”
Help me! I can’t get the rest out. Ah, Carter to the rescue. She’s snatched the box off him already.
“Teal’c, it means Jaffa as in the or…orange fruit. They’re orange fl… flavoured chocolate cake-like cookies.”
Nicely done, Carter! It’s hard to laugh and talk at the same time.
Oh dear, Teal’c’s slumped in the chair, looking totally dejected. Panic over T, no fighting scary Jaffa troops today.
Daniel’s beet red face is fading at last as the laughter dies down. Every now and then, he and Carter are hit with a fresh round of giggles each time they think of poor Teal’c’s panicked expression.
“We about ready to leave, kids?”
“One moment, O’Neill.”
“Where are you going?”
“I wish to purchase this item as a gift for Master Bratac.”
****
You know what? Our campsite is rather nice. We’re staying just outside London, in the middle of the countryside, and we’re currently parked under a tree. There’s a little stream running along behind the RV, or in British English as Daniel informs me, the motor home. We’re only here for a few nights, but it’ll allow us to get our bearings.
It’s just starting to get dark, and Teal’c and I are sitting here chilling out while the kids are off exploring. They’ve been gone for a while, but I noticed that Daniel took his towel with him, so I guess his exploration will include the shower block.
There are no fish in the stream, but we’ve had a great BBQ, it’s peaceful, and I’m just starting to rela…..
“AAAGGHHHHHHHH!!”
What the hell? Oh, for crying out loud, Daniel! What the hell is he doing? He and Carter are sprinting back over here and, I kid you not, he’s running back over in just a towel.
Teal’c is up and out of his chair, prepared to fight, before I even have a chance to convince my knees that they may need to take action.
“HELP!!”
What the…
“We’re being attacked by a hoard of Jaffa……... cakes!!!!”
Oh very funny! I hope they realise my delicate disposition can’t take all this excitement. They’re both rolling around in peels of laughter, and I notice Daniel is, at least, wearing boxers under his towel. Thank God. I’m not sure the little kids next door need that kind of trauma.
I honestly don’t think Teal’c’s eyebrow could rise any higher if he tried; he’s not impressed. Carter and Daniel, however, seem to think that makes it even funnier.
What did I tell you? For once, I really am the only adult here.
****
Well, Carter went out like a light as soon as her head hit the pillow. All that laughing has worn her out. Teal’c has taken his place on the floor to begin his kelnoreem. I managed to convince him that four candles would be enough, unless of course, his goal was to set the RV on fire.
Daniel, on the other hand, is acting like a kid on Christmas Eve. He’s been looking through a local guidebook that he picked up in the campsite shop. I’m half expecting him to start saying, ‘Can we go to every museum in England tomorrow, Jack? Can we, huh, can we?’ I’m guessing the four double espressos he had this evening may have something to do with it.
God, listen to me. I sound like an exhausted parent putting his kids to bed. But then, maybe that isn’t so far from the truth.
“Jack?”
Ugh, just as I was dropping off to sleep. At least he had the decency to whisper.
“Yes, Daniel.”
“Can we go into the city and visit Buckingham Palace tomorrow?”
Ah, to know him is to love him.
“Yes, Daniel, we can.”
On to part 3!