Gone Again
by Lea ONeill
Summary: We know what happened to Jack in The Lost City Part 2. What happened to Nicole?
Category: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Missing Scene/Epilogue
Episode(s): 722 LOST CITY Part 2
Season: any Season
Pairing(s): none
Rating: 13+
Content: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 06/13/04
Nicole O'Neill was doing dishes in the brightly lit kitchen of the house she shared with husband Jack and daughter CJ. The nine month old was taking her mid day nap in her nursery. Nicki kept tabs on her with the baby monitor sitting on the kitchen counter. The usually busy NORAD Major had been off post for almost three months due to injuries she'd incurred in the near fatal car accident she and General Hammond had been involved in. Although Nicki knew she needed the time to heal, she was about to go crazy. Jack had been gone with SG-1 off and on during the past few months, and when he was away, the down time was almost unbearable for the usually busy Training and Tactical Ops Director. If it weren't for the baby, Nicki knew she would have been at the base all the time, work cleared or not. CJ kept her new mother busy and was great therapy. That was Nicki's sanity. She took the baby out for a daily walk, calling it `physical therapy' for her mending bones. And she loved nothing more then sitting down with her bubbly little girl to read a story. CJ had plenty to add cooing "daaa" and "maa" and "oooh". Nicole had been aware of some changes going on at the base, as well as inside the SGC, but when Jack wasn't around, she didn't get much of an update. She was still trying to come to terms with loosing her good friend Janet Fraiser as well. And then the Friday came along. The Friday when Jack came home to say goodbye.
General Hammond sat in the passenger seat silently while Major Paul Davis drove the black car. Rain beat against the window. There were things that the General had never learned to deal well with in his job. This was one of them. Major Davis pulled into the driveway. Funny, Hammond had been here a little more than a week ago to tell Jack and the team about his `reassignment'. Now he was here at the house again. This time, for another unpleasant purpose. "General?" Davis looked as uncomfortable as Hammond felt. Hammond nodded. He put on his hat. They stepped out of the car into the rain and walked side by side silently to the O'Neill's front door.
Nicole heard the bell. It sounded hollow in her ears as the rain pelted the glass doors in the den. CJ was in her playpen, cooing and playing with blocks. Nicki walked to the door on feet of lead. Every time that bell or the phone rang, her heart would begin to thud against her chest. She knew. She had known for days. It was no easier to accept. She opened the door. General Hammond and Major Davis stood there, both in dark blue Air Force issue wool coats, full uniform. The cool air rushed in and the smell of rain hit her. But Nicki felt herself go numb. Time was up. No more waiting. She stood there, unaware of the rain blowing in and hitting her face. The cold water mingled with hot tears. General Hammond stepped inside and took her arm as she felt herself falling.
The next thing Nicki was aware of was George Hammond sitting beside her, telling her how brave Jack had been, and if it had not been for him, the Ga'ould would have destroyed the world. He and SG-1 had saved them all. Again. Major Davis was offering words in an attempt to comfort her, but he knew his efforts were in vain. "So he's really...gone?" Nicki finally asked. "We're afraid that is most probably true." Nicki looked into the eyes of a man who was her commander, her mentor, and her friend. "Is he dead George?" Hammond sighed. "Regretfully, due to the classification of the mission, I can't tell you any more than this: Jack didn't return with SG-1." Nicole closed her eyes as tears rolled down her cheeks. Damn the mission! Damn the classified bullshit! She longed to cry out. But she knew here and now, it would do no good. She balled her fists and dug her nails into her palms. "I have a Level 1 security clearance," she reminded him. "Nicole," Major Davis laid a hand on her forearm. "As you know, there have been many changes involving the SGC and NORAD. Now, we're working on things, but until the President gets everything sorted out..." Nicole shook her head vigorously. "Wait, wait. Paul, are you telling me the same day you've come to tell me my husband is dead, or dying, or missing, or who the hell knows, are you going to tell me I'm out of a job as well?" she was furious. All her anger at the world for taking the man she loved came spilling out in a torrent. "'The government regrets to inform you that they killed off another man you loved, the father of your child, can't give you any details and by the way you're fired? Is that it Paul?" Davis knew she was lashing out in pain and could only give her a sympathetic look. Hammond put a hand on her shoulder. "Nicki, that baby needs you more than anything," he gently reminded her. Her anger melted into despair immediately again and Nicki put her head in her hands. She refused to break down into the heart wrenching sobs she knew would come later. Not here. Not in front of anyone. "Is there anything...anything that we can do Nicki?" Hammond's voice, barely above a whisper, asked, his strong hand still on her shoulder. She bit back tears and slowly shook her head. "Thank you both for coming. I appreciate that." Hammond and Davis stood. Neither knew of any more words that could ease her suffering. "I'll be back later, when some details are worked out," Hammond told her. Nicki nodded. She stood stiffly, somewhat due to her knee brace, more so due to the numb way her body felt. Numb and cold. Not much farther away from being dead herself. "Is there anyone we can call for you?" Paul Davis asked as they walked toward the door. Nicki silently shook her head. "No. I don't have anyone now." The words stabbed into Hammond's heart almost as deeply as he knew they cut into her. She opened the door for them. As soon as they had stepped through, she wordlessly closed it after them. The Major looked at the General. "You think she'll be okay?" Hammond shook his head, returning his Air Force cap there. "No. I don't." He strode off the porch and into the rain.
The de briefings and meetings and committees that SG-1 had to get through seemed almost endless. It was three days before Daniel Jackson was able to leave the base. He drove straight to the house. Not his house. He pulled his car up behind Nicki's red Mustang and Jack's Ford truck. He wondered who had brought the truck to the house. And what kind of a welcome they'd received, he wondered dismally. He jogged up to the porch and rang the bell. When there was no answer, he jogged around to the deck and up to the glass doors in the den. He knocked and peered inside. It was pretty dark in there. He pulled on the sliding door and found it open. He popped his head inside. "Nicki?" he called. There was no response. "Nicole?" Okay, she wasn't here. She must have gone on foot. Daniel followed a well-worn path that showed stroller wheel marks as well as shoe prints. It wound around the woods a bit, finally coming into an open meadow. This must have been the place Jack was talking about. He'd been telling Daniel about a beautiful meadow `out behind the house' where he was going to put up a kind of retreat. "Like a gazebo or something, with benches, you know where we can look up at the stars, hang out." The words echoed in Daniel's mind, even as he came into the clearing, and saw the wood floor and three sides of lattice walls that Jack had finished up over the time he'd had left. Daniel saw Nicki, sitting in the partial structure, on one of two wrought iron benches she'd had delivered on Tuesday. He saw CJ was in her stroller, napping. He walked toward them. Nicki looked at him, almost expectantly, as if she were waiting for someone. She was of course. She would always be. Waiting for Jack. Daniel went up the three steps that led onto the platform structure with its red wood deck-like floor. He inhaled the fresh wood smell. He could imagine Jack here, working. Daniel shoved his hands into his pockets. Well he was here, and now he didn't know what to say to her. He looked at Nicki. She looked back at him. "I miss him," Nicole said softly, breaking the silence. "I miss him too." Then she stood and Daniel took her in his arms. She cried then, against his shoulder. Daniel knew he was crying too. And he wasn't sure who was comforting whom. "It hurts," she sobbed. He stroked her hair. "I know." He did. He had felt the same ripping inside his heart when he lost Shar're. He knew the feelings all to well.
Daniel and Nicole had stayed a long time in that place. If Jack was anywhere, he was surely there. But as it grew dusk, they walked back to the house, Daniel pushing CJ, who was now awake and peeking up at him, occasionally smiling, in the stroller. Nicole opened the back door and they went inside. "It seems so empty. I stay away a lot." Daniel knew how especially empty the house must feel. Jack's presence was everywhere. God, it hurt! Nicki made coffee for them. Daniel played with the baby. He noticed that even CJ would occasionally look expectantly toward the front door. "She's waiting for him to come home," Nicki said, noticing Daniel following Charlotte's stare. Nicki handed him a cup of coffee. Daniel got up from the floor, handing the baby a toy. He sat on the couch and Nicki sat across from him, sipping the hot liquid. "I'm waiting too Daniel. And I really need to know if I'm going to spend my whole life waiting, wondering. Or if I can put him to rest. Daniel, I need to know." She was pleading with him. Daniel could only imagine what General Hammond had told her. What could he tell her? You're husband's frozen and under 50 metric tons of ice and we don't know how to get him out, and wake him up, or even if that's possible? Was it right to let Nicki think there might be a chance? Of course that's what he, and Sam and Teal'c wanted to believe. But how fair was it to put Nicki in the same position? He had torn though his soul looking for an answer to that question for days. There was no answer. "Daniel please? Is Jack ever going to come back? Is there a chance?" Daniel silently bit the inside of his cheek, surely drawing blood, as he looked down and shook his head. "I don't think there is Nicki," he said softly, refusing to meet her eyes. She finally nodded, and Daniel hoped he had done the right thing, at least putting some of it to rest. Daniel finally regained enough composure and he put his coffee cup on the table. "Look, why don't you go find us something stronger than coffee? This little girl needs a bath and a story read to her by her uncle Daniel." Daniel scooped up CJ who wrinkled up her nose with delight. "That okay, Mom?" he asked. Nicki managed a smile. She appreciated what Daniel was trying to do. She nodded. Nicki went to make herself and Daniel drinks. She couldn't help overhear the splashing going on and Daniel making "bear" voices while telling an animated story. It reminded her so much of Jack, and how much she missed hearing him interact with their child. Nicki knew that Daniel would have to catch up as she put down three shots of hard liquor, letting it burn all the way into her stomach.
Daniel tucked CJ into bed. The pleasantness of doing something simple like bathing, dressing and putting the baby in bed was better therapy than he imagined. As he gave her the bottle and watched as she pulled her `blankie' against her small face, Daniel realized just how much like Jack his daughter was. He left the nursery before the pain hit again. Nicki was in the den, a glass in hand. The bottle sat on the coffee table and another glass with ice next to it. Daniel poured the whiskey. Nicki raised her glass. Daniel met it with his. "Jack." "To Jack," Daniel agreed. Together, but just as much alone inside, they finished the bottle.
I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears I held your hand through all of these years But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me By your resonating life Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears I held your hand through all of these years But you still have
All of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along
My Immortal, Evanescence
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