What O'Niell Wants
What O'Niell Wants
by Egypt
Title: What O'Niell Wants
Author: Egypt
Email: adwright@telusplanet.net
Category: Challenge, Humor, Romance
Season: any Season
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: PG
Warnings: minor language
Summary: Jack can hear women's thoughts. including Teal'c's. you do the math.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Challenge #1,481
Where this came from, I have no idea: You know that movie, What Women Want? What if Jack had that power and could hear the females on the base's thoughts? Your story must have:
1. Jack hearing Teal'c thoughts as well (You explain it, this challenge is taking most of my brain power).
2. Right before Janet puts the needle in his butt, have her think, "It never ceases to amaze me how cute Colonel O'Neill's tushie is."
3. Half the women on base mainly think about how sexy General Hammond is...
4. ... and the other half have naughty ideas about Apophis or Maybourne.
5. Jack must find out that Carter wears Pikachu underwear.
6. The quote, "Man, I feel like a woman!" Must be said three times by whoever.
7. There must be a romance between Jack and one of the people whose thoughts he can hear (Might be Sam, but who knows? Might be Teal'c...)
8. Jack must learn what women want.
9. Have fun and make it funny!
Author's Notes: Thought's are shown in .
What O'Neill Wants
In Response to Challenge #1,481
Jack O'Neill ran from the gate into the SGC complex, completely frightened. He ran to his office and slammed the door, the moment he had tried to leave PX5 VS7 he had heard what was going through Carter's head, it scared the pants off of him, he didn't know what to do, he just wanted away from her. He sat down at his desk going over the events that had occurred...
"I don't care what it is, where it's from, what time it's from, or what planet it's from, Daniel, I want it put down!"
"But Jack I-"
"Ah!" he held his hand up, causing Daniel to roll his eyes desperately, "Let's go."
"Jack, if you would just listen, I-"
"-am done talking." Jack finished for him, "Now move it!"
Daniel crossed him arms and shook his head, "No."
"What?" Jack's eyebrows rose, somewhat looking like he and Daniel had traded faces, Daniel having a fearless, uncaring look in his eyes, and Jack looking at him, brows up, completely fascinated, "Say again?" he asked, still curious, almost tempting him to go on.
"I'm not going." he started, "Dial up the gate and go through. I'll come when I'm done."
Jack's face turned back to normal, he casually stepped towards Daniel, leaned his head forward, Daniel backed up, "You're coming with me if I have to knock you out and carry you."
"I don't think so."
"I don't rightly care what you think, we're going now."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"YES!"
"Jack..."
"Daniel?"
Silence.
Jack burst into running straight for Daniel, who anticipated his move and dove for the cave he wanted to stay and study, he ran inside, Jack directly behind him. Jack tackled him at what looked like some kind of altar, "Daniel!" he yelled as he pinned him down, "We're going now!"
"Stop being such an ass, Jack!"
"You stop being such a disobedient, little-"
"Sir!" Carter shouted.
"-and I'll consider it!"
"What do you want Jack?"
"I want you to read my mind!" he gave him one of his nastiest looks, "Can you tell what I'm thinking?"
"I wish you could understand, Jack." Daniel said as Sam came up behind Jack and pulled him off.
"Understand what?" Jack asked dusting himself off angrily.
Carter sighed, "What I think Daniel means, Sir, is you don't understand him very well." she stopped, "At all."
Jack began his retort, Sam stopped him, "Really, Colonel, if you could get a real good look at what goes through either of our heads, you'd realize that all we want is to discover or find something that will help Earth's cause."
Jack backed up, leaning against the altar, "Yeah, Carter, that'll be the day," he rolled his eyes, unaware of the small circle he stood in, "If I could hear women's thoughts."
Daniel began to protest that he wasn't a woman, when Jack suddenly fell to the floor, out cold, they ran to his side.
"O'Neill!"
"What's going on?" he mumbled, "Teal'c?"
"I am here O'Neill."
"Help me up." he said and Teal'c held out his arm, his staff weapon keeping his balance.
"What happened?" he struggled to open his eyes.
"You just fell over sir." Sam said. **Deserved it too.
"Carter!"
"Yes, sir?"
"Watch yourself."
"Sir?"
Jack opened his eyes, studying the cave, "Forget it." he said and found his feet, "Can we go now?" he asked, clearing his head.
"Yes." Daniel said, and with one last look they moved to trek back to the gate.
They started back to the gate, Jack and Daniel in front, Teal'c and Carter behind, the gate was in sight of the cave and they moved steadily towards it.
**Poor Daniel. Carter's voice noted.
"Daniel?!?" Jack called out frusterated, "I'm the one who passed out!"
"I know that, Jack." Daniel said, eyeing him strangely, "And we're headed home, you're going to be okay."
"Oh right! All you care about is your precious rocks."
Daniel frowned, "That's not true." he stated, "I'm really concerned."
"About your rocks."
"Jack." Daniel sighed, "Look, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, but you can't say that any artifact is worth more to me than you, you're one of my best friends."
Jack gave Sam and evil eye, "Not Carter's."
Sam gave a look, "What'd I do?"
"Leave me alone." Jack grumbled.
**Holy Hannah! The Colonel in cracking up!
"Carter!"
"What?"
"You know what! Stop with the insubordination, I will only take so much."
"Jack, are you feeling okay?" Daniel asked.
**We must hurry to the SGC, to see if O'Neill has damaged his head. Teal'c thought.
"Oh fer crying out loud!" Jack cried, "What is up with you people today!??" he stopped and turned around.
"What?" they all said at once.
"You all join together to annoy me or what?"
"What?" they all frowned.
Jack sighed heavily, and turned back to the gate, "Just knock it off!"
**I wonder how bad he hit his head when he fell. Sam thought.
**We must indeed hurry.
"Sam! Teal'c! Enough!"
Daniel stopped, "Jack what is going on!??"
"That's what I'd like to know!!!" he turned around, finaly facing her.
"Your really troubling me sir." Sam said. **Not that you weren't weird before.
"Listen, Major, if you don't lay off the... lay off the.... the..." the color ran from his face, he realized she didn't move her lips when she spoke her last statement.
Carter, "Sir?"
Daniel, "Jack?"
Teal'c, "O'Neill?"
They all asked at the exact same moment.
Sam looked to Daniel her face a mixture of worry and dismay. **He's lost it. came her voice again, but like the last time, she didn't move her lips when she spoke.
He looked to Daniel who studied him gravely, "I think we should go now."
Jack started to look frightened, he nodded and started jogging for the gate, SG-1 behind him.
**I wonder if he's hearing things. Carter's voice was heard.
**We must seek Dr. Fraiser's opinion. Teal'c said behind him.
Jack told Daniel to dial home, and stuck by his side, leaving Carter with Teal'c, something was either wrong with him or with her... he liked the 'with her' better than it being his problem. When the gate opened, Jack ran for it, Daniel having just had enough time to give the remote signal, so the iris would open.
Now he was sitting in his office chair, uncaring of what sort of trouble he would be in, considering he ran right past General Hammond. He stared straight ahead, "Was it what she was thinking?" he asked himself, wondering what had caused it.
A knock sounded at his door and he got up and ran to it, "Who's there?"
"Daniel."
The door opened, "You alone?"
"Uh... Yeah."
"Quick." he closed the door after him.
Daniel sat on the edge of Jack's desk, "Uh, I'm supposed to tell you to get to the infirmary." he leaned forward in a 'right now' fashion, "Okay?"
Jack shook his head, "I don't think so." he calmed his nerves, hiding behind his now cool exterior.
"Jack, you wigged out on a planet, they need to do some tests."
Daniel was right, he did flake out, and he would need to leave his office eventually, if only for food... and maybe some answers, but food would be the main reason. Anyway, he shook his head, infirmary would be his first stop, "Will Sam be there?"
"I don't know." Daniel said shortly, "I can find out."
"I'll go if she isn't anywhere to be seen."
Daniel studied his friend, "Jack, what is going on?"
Jack moved closer, as if someone would overhear, "I could hear things she said without her saying them."
Daniel stood, "Uh... why don't you come with me?"
Jack let out a cry, "Oh fer crying out loud, Daniel! Would I make something like this up?"
"Well, no."
"'Well no'." he copied in an overly casual tone, "I am not loosing it!"
Daniel stood and moved to the door, "Explain it to Dr. Fraiser."
Jack sighed heavily, thankful that Daniel had called to clear the area of Sam before they left, he looked to Dr. Fraiser, she smiled, "Needle time." she said and moved to the bed, "Okay Colonel." she said and he pulled his pants back, "This is so stupid." he grumbled, "Why does any needle have to be injected there?"
"Colonel, I-"
"Ahh, forget it." he mumbled as he felt the needle prick on his behind.
**It never ceases to amaze me how cute Colonel O'Neill's tushie is.
"Doc!!!"
"Yes, Colonel?"
"Would you mind keeping those thought to yourself?" he sat up when she finished, "I mean, I'm flattered, but," he gave her a look, and started to say something when he noted how she was looking at him, "What?"
"What on Earth are you talking about?"
Daniel rounded the corner with Teal'c, "How's it going?" Daniel interrupted.
"I don't know." Janet frowned, **Sam was right, he is going crazy.
Jack looked to Janet, "Now that's just rude!"
Daniel looked to Teal'c and shrugged. The big man looked back at O'Neill, **Perhaps he has contracted an illness.
Jack looked from Teal'c to Janet, "Daniel!" he called, "Get me out of here!"
Daniel shook his head, "No, I think you should stay here."
Jack looked panicked, his eyes jumped from Janet to Teal'c, "Say something!" he said to Teal'c.
"What would you have me say?"
"I dunno! Just talk without using your lips!"
"It would be highly unlikely that I could perform such a task, O'Neill."
"Well, apparently not! You've been doing it since you got here!"
Janet looked at Jack, **Johnathon?"
"Whoa!" Jack leaned back, "What's with the name?"
Janet's eyes became like saucers, "Oh my God!"
"What?"
"Colonel O'Neill can hear my thoughts."
Teal'c's one eyebrow raised, "Can he hear mine as well?"
Janet shrugged. *Maybe*
"Heard that!" Jack said and she reached for a medical instrument.
Teal'c was fascinated. **O'Neill, can you indeed hear my thoughts?
"Yes." Jack said simply.
Daniel watched as Teal'c looked at Jack and was apparently having a conversation with him, "But you can't hear mine." he said.
"Think something." Jack looked at him.
Silence.
"Well come one!" Jack egged him on.
"I did."
"Oh, I didn't hear anything."
Sam walked in with a fellow female officer, they moved to the hospital bed, both silent, well, to everyone but Jack, the female officer's mind was going, **Let's see, General Hammond is rather foxy, but maybe Maybourne takes that cake. There's always Apophis, I-
"Whoa!" Jack interrupted her.
"Sir?"
"She thinks General Hammond is..." he stopped, thinking how bad that would embarrass the poor officer, "Um, doing a good job."
The girl stared wide eyed at Jack.
"Apparently Colonel O'Neill can hear a selected few's thoughts."
**Mine? Sam started, **God I hope not.
Jack leaned back, wondering if he should tell her he could hear hers just yet... Naaaa, he'd wait for that one.
"How are you?" Daniel asked Jack, it was a few days later, everything had been sorted out, apparently Jack could hear only woman's thoughts, with the exception of Teal'c. Jack started to claim that Junior was a woman, resorting to calling it 'Ma'am' just to tick off Teal'c. Dr. Fraiser had said it made sense, but did not agree with it, but Jack had teased Teal'c ever since. He hadn't been able to go out of the base, and he had just about enough of Dr. Fraiser's test. Of course, he found it was all worth it when he had finally told Sam.. or rather when she found out...
"I think we should study the remains of the planet." Daniel was saying, "Maybe there's something that can help Jack."
Jack wasn't paying attention, he had made it his business to sit next to Sam, she was in front of him, looking at Daniel's sideshow based on the pictures from PX5 VS7. He leaned towards Sam, making it look like he was interested in what Daniel was saying. He wasn't. As if that was a surprise. He slowly moved his arm to the back of her chair, he could tell Sam hadn't noticed, she was listening to Daniel completely, it marveled him that she could keep from dreaming off when Daniel started to speak. He was practically locking chairs with Sam when she turned to see who was so close, **Holy Hannah! was the first thing that came to her mind, she turned away from Jack just in time to miss the glint of humor in his eyes, he proceeded, he could hear her breathing get heavy, as she tried to ignore him. He rested his chin in his hand, his right arm forced closer to the small of her back, she felt a chill climb her spine, her mind was swirling, **What the hell is he doing?... Not that I mind... Granted if General Hammond were to look over... I'm not going to finish that one. she looked to Jack, "Hi." he smiled casually and looked back to Daniel. **Hi? she repeated his word, **HI???!! Good grief! That's all he says, he's practically in my lap! she let out a sigh, **Man, I feel like a woman!
Jack suppressed a giggle.
Sam eyed him, **Oh... Jack. she thought in her head, trying not to focus on the idea of him being able to hear people's thoughts, she didn't want to tip him off, if he could hear hers.
Jack looked uncomfortable.
She smiled, **I want you Jack! she cried and he jumped out of his seat, "WHOA!" he called and Daniel flicked the lights on.
"What is going on?!" Hammond bellowed.
"Nothing General, continue." he sat back with Sam, "You little brat." he said when she giggled at him.
**Wow, you can really hear me?
"Yes." he whispered.
*Wow*
Yep, he wouldn't forget that briefing, granted his plan backfired but, it was all good. He grinned.
"Jack?"
He snapped back, "Yes, Daniel?"
"You okay?"
"I suppose. Enjoying my lab rat vacation." he said, thinking of Dr. Fraiser's tests, he shuffled in the mess hall chair, "How're you?"
Daniel shrugged, "Apparently a lot better than you." he looked up, "Sorry."
Jack frowned, "Y'know, I don't think it would matter if I could read your mind," he thought out loud, "Because you already say whatever comes to your head."
Daniel grinned, "Sure." he said passivly, a glint in his eyes, causing Jack to give him a second glance. What was that supposed to mean?
"So what do most women think about?" Daniel sat back.
"You don't wanna know."
Daniel made a face.
"Well," Jack leaned forward whispering, "Half the women here, think General Hammond is a stud." he continued when Daniel's reaction shone through, "And the rest mainly fantasize about Apophis or Maybourne." he shuddered, "They wouldn't think like that if they were locked in a room with either of the them." he stopped, "Excluding the General of course." he said in a proper fashion.
Daniel nodded, "Of course." he said seriously, then smiled.
Jack sighed, "How's the thing from the planet coming along?"
Daniel laughed, "Oh that?"
Jack waved his arms, "You know what I mean."
"I know. Actually we've half deciphered the alien text, apparently you stood in a ring of power when you said the thing about wanting to hear woman's thoughts."
"I didn't say I wanted to!"
"So, uh, anyway," Daniel ignored him, "We believe there is a way to reverse it, it's just a matter of time."
"Well, chop, chop! I've already been hearing too much information from too many people."
Daniel gave him a look.
"You don't wanna know."
Carter stood in her lab, looking as busy as ever, **I shouldn't have worn these Pikachu underwear today, they're driving me nuts! she then smiled, **Although, they make me feel good about myself. Man, I feel like a woman! she turned around and headed for her lab door, stopping in her tracks, **Colonel!
Jack nodded, a huge grin on his face, "That's right, 'Colonel'." he held back laughter, "Pikachu panties, eh Carter? I must remember to post that on the board."
"Colonel! Please, I-"
"Ah!" Jack shook his head, "Feel better." he said, "You just made this whole, terrible experience," he turned to leave, saying, "Worth every minute." he then left, laughing away.
Jack was sitting on a rock, he looked over the mountain top, sighing heavily. It may have seemed strange, one man sitting alone on top of Cheyenne Mountain, but it was the only desolate place around the complex. Finally he was able to have some peace and quiet, those women could get tiresome, worrying about this or that, it was driving him nuts! For once he found himself seeking Daniel out, he was the only team member he could talk to without hearing what he was really thinking. Teal'c didn't talk much, but his brain was a chatterbox, 'I do not believe I enjoy this', or 'I do not see the logic in that', the man couldn't even talk normal in his own head. Daniel said that he had learnt to talk that way all his life, why should his thoughts be any different. Now Carter on the other hand, she was fun, he got to play with her mind, he had even found out a few things, like how she really felt about him. He might not get this chance again, so he used his 'power' while he could, especially with Daniel working every waking minute on the cave translations, which he appreciated, but would never tell him that, unless he fixed the problem... maybe. He had walked in on Daniel yesterday, book in his hand, a cold cup of coffee beside him, glasses falling off his face, head on his desk, conked out. He had papers and photos all around, Jack knew he would be getting close to figuring it out.
"Hey sir." Carter's voice came from behind.
"Carter." he acknowledged and she sat beside him.
Sam sighed, **Oh boy. she thought, then she stopped, remembering that he could hear, **Errr... she fought for an excuse.
"What's bothering you?" Jack asked as they looked over the hilltops.
"Nothing."
Jack looked at her, "You can't lie to me, Major, I know how you think." he said, them smiled at the double meaning.
Sam smiled back, "Yeah, I know."
O'Neill turned, ready to find out what was going on whether she told him or not, he studied her eyes.
**What? Sam thought.
Jack was prepared to answer when a quick thought raced through her mind, he turned very seriouse and leaned closer, "Yes." he said.
"Yes what?" Sam asked in barely a whisper
"Yes, to your question."
"What question?" she felt her head swim, he studied her eyes.
"Am I going to kiss you... the answer is yes."
She was about to speak when he moved and captured her lips with his own, *Hmmm* she sighed in her head and Jack reached his hand to pull her towards him.
"Have you seen Jack?" Daniel asked, rushing into Teal'c's room.
"Indeed I have not."
"Oh..." Daniel sighed, "Well, do you know where he is?"
Teal'c raised a single brow, "What is of such great importance?" he asked.
Daniel smiled, "I know how to fix..." he stopped, "It... that thing... his head."
Teal'c nodded and stood, "I will assist you in locating him."
"Thanks Teal'c."
Sam smiled at Jack, he raised his eyebrows, as if saying 'really?', then grinned and winked at her. He wrote a quick note on a piece of paper and slid it across the table, Sam picked it up, "My office?" She smiled at it, **Definatly. Man, I feel like a woman! she thought and he smiled back.
"Jack!" Daniel walked towards them, "I've been looking all over for you." he came to the far end of the mess, "Hi Sam." he noted.
"What?" Jack looked annoyed.
"I found it!"
"Found what?"
"The way to get you back to normal, I just finished the translations."
Jack stood, "Lets go." he said and they moved to the Hammond's office.
"Permission granted." the General said and looked at Daniel, "Your sure you know what to do?"
"Yes."
"Okay, SG-1 move out."
The rocky planet was strange, it had rock walls everywhere, except the ground was covered in grass. Four figures moved to the cave where Jack passed out. No one was in sight, Daniel moved to what looked like a plain wall, but he seemed to find a button or something because he pressed something and the wall gave out to a table-like control desk, he studied it carefully, "Okay, Jack stand in the circle." he said and Jack moved, "Okay, now wish to not read women's minds."
Jack stopped, "Are you kidding me? That's all? It took you a week to figure that out? Man, you're loosing your touch."
"Actually." Daniel said, "If I press the wrong button when you speak, you might spontaneously combust."
Jack looked at Sam, who leaned forward, "Explode." she explained.
"Oh!" he glanced back at Daniel, "Well," he thought, "Get it right the first time, eh?"
"Right, Jack." Daniel said and placed his hands on three buttons, all of which were a foot apart... you explain it. "Okay, go." he looked up.
"I don't want to hear women's thoughts." he said and Daniel pressed a red button. Teal'c was standing beside him when Jack fell over, "Why did you not have to press these buttons to engage the instrument?"
Daniel looked at him blankly, "You tell me."
"I do not know, Daniel Jackson, that is indeed the reason I am asking."
Daniel smiled, "I don't know either, Teal'c."
Sam was beside Jack, "Sir?" she asked, and he looked up at her, "Can you hear me?"
Jack frowned, opening his eyes, "Think something."
She did.
After a moment Jack smiled, "I can't hear you." he said and she leaned close, "I was saying I love you."
"Oh." Jack looked at her, "Is that all?"
Sam smiled and leaned in to kiss him, leaving Daniel open mouthed, "Didn't see that one coming."
Teal'c looked to him, "Could we not make our own wishes on this machine, Daniel Jackson?"
Daniel frowned, looking away from Sam and Jack, "You mean like wish all we want?"
Teal'c nodded.
Daniel looked to the panel, a slow grin covering his face, "Well..." he looked at Teal'c, who was looking on at Sam and Jack, who were still kissing away.
Daniel moved to the circle, "I wish Jack would tell us what he learnt from this experience."
Jack stood up, "I know what women want." he said.
"What is it?" Daniel asked, Teal'c moving beside him.
Jack shook his head, "I'm not telling you."
Teal'c looked to Daniel, "Could we not wish him to?"
Daniel nodded and opened his mouth to speak, a blast was heard from the back, Sam was there with Teal'c's staff weapon, and the podium was nothing but rubble and smoke, "I don't think so." she smiled victoriously, moving back to Jack.
Daniel looked at Teal'c, "So close." he sighed.
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