Lies
Lies
by Faith
TITLE: Lies
AUTHOR: Faith
EMAIL: angelic_devil21@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: Missing Scene/Epilogue, Hurt/Comfort
PAIRING: Jack/Sara
SPOILERS: Cold Lazarus
SEASON / SEQUEL: 1
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
SUMMARY: A different take on when Jack gets home after the events in Cold Lazarus.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Did this one in a day so it's not to long or heavy going. I just felt like taking a different approach to what Jack and Sara might have said to each other after all that had happened that day. Also i would like to say i saw the ep through the internet ages ago and the quailty was less than poor, so i've done my best.
Lastly, if there are any Jack/Sara fans out there, which i know there are! i need a beta for my jack/sara fics. contact me if you want the job and e-mail if you just wanna moan about the ever growing - and very wrong- sam/jack fics (sorry guys, you know how i feel!)
Jack entered the house not bothering to switch on the lights as he made his way along the familiar corridor and into his kitchen. Trying to push all the thoughts, doubts and pains right to the back of his mind so he could deal with them later, as he got a beer from the fridge. All he wanted was more beer and to be able to sit up on his roof and get lost in the stars that he loved to stare at, and could do for hours. Alone! A message that he hoped had registered for Daniel.
He knew that the friendly archaeologist only meant well, as he always did, and was only concerned for Jack's well-being and state of mind, but he wanted to be left alone for a while. At first this plea had fallen upon the conveniently deaf ears of the good Dr Jackson, who wasn't prepared to leave him alone after all that had happened that day.
Jack both mentally and physically winced at the thought of that day, the memory hurt him like a blow to the stomach, only most probably worse, with far more damage. Too much had happened, way too much. As if getting knocked out by that alien crystal wasn't enough, but having it talk to your ex-wife, say all things you never could and then morph into your dead son for the grand finale was just taking the piss. Just seeing Charlie again, his face, his innocent young face just staring back up at him, for that moment it could have been real...
Don't go there Jack. That road is one that you don't want to go down, not again anyway.
Nothing can be changed, that crystal thing said it, what's done is done and it can never be changed, though it did get one thing wrong, forgiveness would never be an option. They were all wrong when they said he should and would forgive himself in time, what did they know about anything? Their kid wasn't dead and it wasn't their fault, they would never understand that forgiveness had never been possible and never would be. Ever.
All he had been longing for since Charlie had died had come together in that day, everything that he silently prayed for had been answered, but not in the way he had expected. He had seen Charlie again and said sorry, for all the use it had done telling a crystal clone, he'd replaced the last and horrible memory of his son that haunted him and he'd held Sara in his arms again and felt love. After everything that he had done to her and put her through, he still felt loved by Sara.
Oh Sara.
Oh Shit!
What was he going to tell her? There was no way that he could possibly tell her the truth, but how could he tell her a lie. He couldn't bear to have to tell her yet another lie, there had been so many told in their relationship, far too many. Yet he still knew that he would have to tell her another, the truth was never an option, and it still tore him up inside, worse than ever. She would know, just like she always did, she would know whatever he told her was a lie and after all that had happened, that lie would be the one that hurt her the most. And it would be the last.
A cry almost escaped Jack. Just the thought of Sara nearly brought him to his knees, God he still loved her, as much as he pushed her to the back of his mind and buried himself in work, he couldn't escape that fact. He loved her more than words could say, be they his own or someone else's, but seeing her made him ache right through to his centre, knowing what he had lost. There was so much pain that stood between them both, so much hurt blocked all that they once had and could never have again.
A family.
Jack realised that he had been stood in his empty kitchen, the bottle of beer in his hand, lost in his thoughts he had not opened it nor made his way back to the den. No longer wanting it, he put the beer back in the fridge and began to make his way through the familiar dark to the den, stopping to take his jacket off and hang it up on the way. When he eventually made it to the den and went to slump down on the couch and sleep for a week, he jumped in shock.
Sara.
She immediately stood, rising from her seat on the couch taking shaky breaths as she did so, her hands twitched together in nervousness.
Finally finding his tongue, Jack spoke, not sure if it was really her or his bump on the head paired with a little imagination.
"Sara?"
"Jack."
"How did you-?"
"You taught me how to pick locks before we got married. You were a good teacher."
Jack nodded, though not in agreement with her compliment. She would know that.
"I'll be to the point Jack."
"You want me to turn the light on?"
"I've gotten used to the dark, but you can if you want to."
"It's okay. I'll leave 'em off." Even through the dark Jack could tell that she had been crying. A lot.
Sara nodded. "I want to know Jack."
He nodded in thought, unsure what he could say, he needed more time to figure out what he was going to say to her.
"I want to know what happened today." She demanded.
"Sara-" Jack began.
She recognised the tone of his voice instantly. "Can you tell me the truth?"
Jack remained silent.
"A simple question Jack, with a simple answer. Yes or no? Can you tell me the truth?"
"No Sara. I can't."
Sara took a shaky breath. "That's all I wanted to hear Jack. The truth or nothing. No more lies. No more."
As Sara began to walk past him Jack reached out to her, gently placing his hand on her arm.
"Sara, wait."
"I don't want anymore lies Jack. I've had enough of them."
"I won't lie to you Sara."
"But you won't tell me the truth either?"
"God Sara I want to." He said, his hands gently cupping her soft cheeks. "I want to tell you everything."
"But you can't."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to get you involved in this. I never wanted you to get hurt."
I have to go." Sara said pulling away from him, she was crying once again.
"Sara, don't got." Jack said gently taking a hold of her arm to stop her from leaving, confessing. "I need you."
Sara nearly crumpled there and then, never had she heard a confession from Jack like that in nearly a decade. But how many times had she made such confessions, such pleads to him? How long had they gone on, how she had begged and longed for him, his comfort and touch, just to talk to him, to know she wasn't utterly alone.
"Tell me one thing Jack." She requested.
"Anything." Jack couldn't lose her, not now and not again.
"What it said. Was it the truth? Is that why all this happened to us? Why there is no us."
"Yes." Jack said quietly. The crystal had cloned everything about him, all except his inability to talk about his emotions, his feelings for Sara and Charlie, it had said everything he knew he should have and wished he could.
Sara was still crying when she hugged him tightly. "I never blamed you Jack. Never."
"Well you should of. It was my fault." Jack replied, the anger he felt towards himself as strong as ever.
"No it wasn't." Sara whispered.
"I was supposed to protect you and Charlie and now Charlie's dead."
"It was an accident Jack. If you have to hate yourself for anything it should be what you did after."
"I do."
She looked up at him. "I was never angry with you because of what happened to Charlie. I was angry with you because you shut me out Jack. I loved you and I needed you more than ever before and you just turned your back on me and let yourself be consumed by your own hate."
"I'm sorry Sara. I'm so sorry. I thought you were mad at me because you thought it was my fault. That you couldn't forgive me, just like I couldn't forgive myself."
"Why didn't you ask me? Why didn't you let me tell you that you were wrong."
"I was scared."
"Of what?"
"That you'd leave me."
"So you thought shutting me out would make me want to stay?" Sara didn't understand.
"I didn't know what to do. I was so consumed by my own hate for myself, with punishing myself. I didn't know what to say."
"Anything would've been better than nothing."
"I know." Jack agreed quietly, eventually saying. "I know there's nothing I can say Sara, to make it right, to make it better, but I'm sorry and I don't want to loose you again."
"Jack."
"Yes?"
Sara hugged Jack again. "Apology accepted."
"Sara..." Jack began, but the words seemed to trail off into thin air in Sara's embrace.
"I should go."
Jack put his arms around Sara and held her tightly. "Don't. Stay."
"Jack, you know I have to. I can't stay."
"Yes you can. Don't go. Please." His voice pleaded her.
Sara pulled back to look him in the eyes. "I love you Jack, never forget that. I've loved you since the day I met you and I always will. Till death do us part."
Jack's gaze seemed to focus more, his deep brown eyes more clarified than before. "I love you too Sara."
A brief pain flashed across Sara's face. "I know you do, I've always known Jack. Even when you didn't say."
"Then why did you leave? Why won't you stay?"
"Because John Lennon lied when he said 'all you need is love'." Sara semi-joked. "When you don't have to lie to me, then I can stay."
Jack looked pained, he knew what she was saying was true, because you needed honesty as well, something he knew he couldn't give and the lack of it had failed them before.
"I'll always be here Jack, whenever you're ready. But right now, you're not. You're not ready to give up the lies, the secrecy and the action. When the lies can stop, when you stop, that's when it can work."
"Sara-" Jack began.
"Shh Jack. We both know there's no point. Not now. I'll be waiting Jack, till you know you can come back to me."
Jack wanted to protest yet he knew there was no point in arguing, he couldn't give up the Stargate and Sara knew this, even though she didn't know what it was. Just like she always knew, she knew him, his thoughts and feelings, even when he didn't know himself or just couldn't find the words to say the right thing. As always she understood and was willing to wait for him and support him. He didn't deserve her, he never had, but he couldn't bear to give her up either.
"Just promise me one thing." She asked.
"Anything."
"You won't come back until you're ready."
He nodded sombrely. How long would that be? A month? A year? 5 years? Longer? Would he even recognise the time when it did come to it? Doubts flooded his mind, he couldn't loose Sara again, not forever, and he still needed her, still wanted her.
"You'll know when the time comes Jack. It's when you can come home to me and not have to lie and leave me for weeks on end without word."
Jack nodded, slightly uplifted with the knowledge that the day would eventually come, when he retired for good.
"And don't forget that I love you." Sara gently kissed him before turning to leave. "Goodbye Jack."
As she left quietly Jack suddenly felt the sharp pain of loss hit him like it had so many times before, only this time he combated it with the memory of Sara's soft voice telling him she still loved him. Then as he heard a car pull away from the street he realised that Sara had still been wearing her wedding band and then he knew that they could work it out, they could still be the greatest, but not just yet. There were still too many lies.
*FINIS*
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