Almost Home
Almost Home
by Beatrice Otter
Summary: Sam, Jacob/Selmak, and Selmak's mate Lee'al/Nelaris visit Jacob's son Mark.
Category: Angst, Humor
Episode Related: 202 In the Line of Duty, 209 Secrets, 211 TokRa, 302 Seth
Season: Season 8
Pairing: other pairing
Rating: GEN
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 2004-11-06
AUTHOR'S NOTE: ##this## indicates the symbiont's thoughts, and this indicates the host's thoughts.
"... and Mary's a bit shy, so you'll have to let her warm up to you."
"Jake," Lee'al interrupted him gently, "we've been over all this a dozen times. Nelaris and I have been fully briefed on your world and your family, just as if this were a real mission. And she's infiltrated hundreds of worlds on less intelligence than this, as you well know. You can relax, I'm not going to mess this up." She pulled his head down for a gentle kiss. "I know how important it is to you."
"I know, honey." Jacob pulled her closer to him, tucking her head under his chin. "Sorry. I just know how much stuff there is that could go wrong."
Lee'al could tell from his body that he hadn't relaxed, though he had tried. She snuggled in closer, enjoying feeling shorter than her mate, even if only while they were lying down. She always felt so awkward and ungainly, despite the training her mother had given her to move gracefully; she was far too tall to be truly attractive, but like all her sisters she had been expected to be a properly alluring ornament to some rich man's harem. But that was all behind her. Nelaris had rescued her from that life, brought her here to the Tok'ra, and shown her there was far more to the world than she had ever imagined.
Like all Tok'ra, she'd left her home and family behind; like many, she had no reason to visit. Jacob, even with his family problems, was lucky in that his home still existed, free of the Goa'uld, and his people accepted, how ever grudgingly, the Tok'ra. But that didn't mean things would be easy. Lee'al was determined to enjoy this, their last night in the Tok'ra tunnels that were the closest thing either had to a home these days. They'd be back in a week or so, but it promised to be a long week. And if Jake (who was not noted for pre-mission jitters) was this nervous now, Lee'al didn't even want to think about what he'd be like for the next week. Honestly, you'd think he was going to infiltrate Ba'al's stronghold, not visit his children and grandchildren!
##You know how rocky Jacob's relationship with Mark is,## Nelaris whispered in her ear. ##Introducing a new ... what do the Tau'ri call it ... "girlfriend" to one's children can be a difficult thing to do at the best of times. You share, in some fashion, the same relationship with Jacob that his wife, Mark's mother did. True, she has been dead for some decades, but you have taken her place. It is a sensitive matter, especially given that Mark and Jacob are used to being at odds, and that so much of Jacob's life now must be hidden from his son. And that includes myself, Selmak, and the true basis of our relationship. Given the differences between Tau'ri society and most societies either of us are familiar with, and given that you have never had first-hand experience with the kind of delicate family dynamics we will be facing, Jacob has every reason to be nervous. It is nothing personal, nor any lack of trust in either of us. It is simply inherent in the situation.##
Lee'al gave a mental nod to her symbiote, and settled back in beside her mate on the pallet they shared. She was very aware of her youth and lack of experience, and she was grateful for Nelaris's counsel and wisdom. Certainly, the relationship between Jake and his children was far different from the one she shared with her own father. But still, his nervousness bothered her. "Jake?"
"Hmm?"
"I understand that you're worried about Mark's reaction to me. What, in particular, will be a problem?"
Jake tensed up again, and seemed to be considering his words carefully. Which was alarming, given his usual bluntness. "Well, there's two things, Lee'al, your age and your ethnic background."
"Ethnic background was part of my briefing, but I was given to understand that your son was extremely liberal about such things?"
Jake shrugged. "Yeah, well, it's one thing to work with a minority person, or champion affirmative action around the coffee table, and it's a whole `nother thing to have your Dad show up with one on his arm and announce that she's your new stepmom. Particularly given your age. And it's not just Mark."
"And what does age have to do with it?" Lee'al asked. She wasn't yet twenty. On her homeworld, men would have been congratulating Jacob on such a fine young prize.
"Well, that's one of the big differences between my world and yours, honey," Jacob said. "See, we expect a couple to get married and stay married. One man, one woman, or at least that's the ideal. Having a relationship on the side is really frowned upon. If a couple gets divorced,"
"Divorce. That's when a marriage is legally dissolved through the mutual consent of both parties?" It was not a term found on Lee'al's home world. If a man tired of a wife or concubine, he either set her aside or traded her to someone else.
"Yes. If a couple gets divorced or one of them dies, they're usually expected to get together with someone from the same stage in life--in other words, someone their own age. The term for a man who gets involved with a younger woman is "sugar daddy," and the connotations aren't nice. And you're still jailbait, which makes it worse. People--especially girls--under the age of 18 aren't considered emotionally or intellectually mature enough to consent to a sexual relationship; the legal term for any sexual relationship between someone younger than eighteen and someone older than 18 is "statutory rape." It's a felony. Hell," he shook his head, "if Sam had had a relationship with a guy my age when she was your age, I'd have been pulling out the shotgun. And then you add in the fact that it wasn't all that long ago when it was a routine problem for women of color--that is, one with a darker skin color--that white men could pressure them into a sexual relationship with few consequences."
Nelaris, interested, took over. "So the two factors combine to form a distasteful whole, is that it? One that operates on both a conscious and subconscious level?"
"Exactly," Jacob said with some relief. "Now, the racial prejudices are better than they were when I was younger, but still."
"Now that you have warned us, Lee'al and I will be ready to deal with any unpleasant things we come across. Relax, and rest, Jake." ##And you, as well, Lee'al.## A surge of warmth, the equivalent of a tight hug, flowed across their bond, and Lee'al closed her eyes to sleep.
***
Jacob took a deep breath as he sent the iris code through the newly-opened gate. Selmak was controlling his adrenaline and hormones, which helped, but deep breathing was still effective at quelling the nerves.
##Relax. Lee'al was right last night, you know,## Selmak said gently. ##Nelaris is quite experienced at infiltration. She will do well. And Mark is as anxious to avoid another open breach as you are; the two of you are more alike than either of you like to admit.##
Yeah, but I don't like the idea that visiting my son has to be classed as "an infiltration."
##It's not my fault. It's your own people's fault. The whole thing is ridiculous, anyway; given the amount of Goa'uld, Asgard, and other extra-terrestrial activity around your planet in recent years--oh, they've sent the come-ahead signal; the iris is open--they can't possibly keep it a secret for long.## Jacob walked up the stairs, Lee'al at his side. ##Besides,## Selmak continued, ##hundreds of other worlds have had to adapt to the knowledge that there was life on other planets, and aliens, and interstellar travel, and that the galaxy is a dangerous place. They survived. Why should your people be any different?##
Jacob didn't bother to reply. They'd been over this many times in the years they'd been blended, and undoubtedly would argue the subject many times in the future. And much as he hated to admit it, Jake agreed with Selmak's appraisal of the situation. But he'd been a soldier in the service of his country for too long to take "classified" lightly, no matter what he thought of it. But now was not the time for such thoughts. They were going to the closest thing Jacob had to a home.
***
As they stepped through the wormhole, Lee'al took a curious look around. And was disappointed. These were, after all, the people who had defeated Ra, Anubis, and a host of lesser system lords. Jake had warned her that his people's military was not given to frivolous decoration, but she had not been prepared for such ... drabness. And gray. Lots, and lots, of gray.
The soldiers pointing primitive chemical-propelled projectile weapons at them, were, on the other hand, just as she had imagined them.
"Dad."
Lee'al focused on the blond, tall woman at the foot of the ramp. It was Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter, whom she had only met once before, and then only briefly. Jacob was already at the foot of the ramp giving his daughter a large hug; Lee'al followed him down and waited.
"Sammie, you remember Lee'al, don't you?" Jake said as he released his daughter.
"Of course," Colonel Carter said, with a smile that only seemed a little forced. Which, Lee'al thought as she shook her hand, was a dramatic improvement over the mixture of shock and disbelief that had been the other woman's main reaction during their brief, unexpected meeting.
"It is a pleasure to meet you again, Colonel," Lee'al said politely, hitching the strap of her bag up her shoulder. Jacob had said she wouldn't need anything, that the Air Force would be providing appropriate clothes and accessories to fit their cover story, but Lee'al had insisted. If the week was as tense as it had the potential to be, she wanted a few familiar things around her, at least.
"Please, call me Sam. If you'll follow me, I'll get you your things and we can change."
***
Lee'al sat back in her chair and tucked her "carry-on" under the seat in front of her, as she had been instructed. After taking a look at the majority of the seats in the aircraft, she was glad Jake had chosen to upgrade them to "first class." She had the aisle; after all, the small window held little allure after seeing planets from space through the window of a tel'tak, and her legs were longer than Jake's were. Sam sat in front of her, and she was already digging work out of her bag, some technical report or other. Lee'al presumed she would put the work away and relax once they reached their destination, although from what little she'd seen of the older woman--not to mention what Jacob had told her of "his Sammy"--the Colonel was nothing if not focused on her job.
A middle-aged woman, a brunette wearing a dark pantsuit, hoisted a piece of luggage into the overhead compartments and took a seat across the aisle from Lee'al. Her skin was fair, if not quite as fair as Jacob or Sam, and her nails were manicured. It was a deep burgundy, similar to the shade Lee'al's mother had worn, though her nails had been (and presumably still were) longer. This woman's nails were much more practical.
"Hello," Lee'al said, curious; it would be her first conversation with a Tau'ri who was unaware of the larger world beyond their planet.
"Hello," the woman replied with a polite smile. "Going on vacation?"
"Yes." Beside her, Jake stilled, turning slightly towards her.
"I wish I was. Business conference--there's a meeting of independent clothing boutiques, and I'm the representative for several stores in the Denver area. Three days of nonstop meetings, and then a direct flight back. I get in at nine o'clock p.m." She paused as someone lugging a large case crossed between them. "I don't even get a day off to take care of jet-lag and get unpacked. Why are you travelling?" The woman reached down to her bag, searching through one of the pockets.
Lee'al smiled. "Jacob is taking me to meet his son and grandchildren. They live in San Diego."
"And Jacob is?" She extracted a water bottle and sat back up.
"My boyfriend." Lee'al gestured to Jacob, who was now studiously reading the magazine he'd picked up in a newsstand while waiting for their flight.
The woman's smile froze. "I ... see," she said, glancing between the two of them pointedly before turning forward and settling in her seat with a decisive air.
Although she kept sneaking glances at them, she did not speak to either of them during the entire flight.
***
As they drove through the streets of San Diego, Jacob was glad they'd turned down Mark's offer to pick them up. Both Nelaris and Lee'al had many questions about the city and other aspects of the Tau'ri as they drove through it; thorough as her briefing had been, there was no substitute for actual hands-on experience and this gave him a chance to answer any questions that had come up. Besides, it put off the actual meeting for another hour, almost. Jake hadn't realized how nervous he was until this moment, as they pulled up to a medium-sized house in the suburbs.
His son's home was a split-level ranch painted a light green, with a neatly manicured lawn. Their house had been green, the one they'd lived in before his wife Mary had died. The last place he'd really been able to call home. To Jacob, home meant people, not buildings and furniture, and Mary's death had weakened and twisted the bonds between them to the breaking point. She would be so disappointed if she could see her family now, Jacob knew. He'd known it for years, but he simply didn't know how to fix it.
Nelaris squeezed his hand. "Relax, Jacob," she said. "Everything will be well. I will not disappoint you."
Jacob released a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. "Yeah. All right; let's do it." He reached over and opened the car door.
As Jacob went around to the trunk to get their luggage, Brian burst out the front door. "Hi, Granddad!"
"Hello to you to, kiddo." Jacob grabbed the twelve year old in a bear hug. "Mark," he said, nodding to his son, who had followed Brian more sedately outside.
"Dad. You look well," Mark said. "It's nice to see you again, Sam."
"You, too," Sam said, smiling at him. And if things weren't as relaxed between the three of them as Jacob could hope, they were still infinitely better than they'd been just five years earlier. He hoped that wasn't about to change, and from the look Sam shot him, she was thinking the same thing. Selmak sent reassuring thoughts, and Jacob felt that relaxation that meant Selmak was tinkering with their adrenaline levels. Thanks.
##Any time.##
"Did you bring me something?" Brian demanded.
"Of course," Jake said, though his attention was still on Mark. Lee'al had yet to emerge, and he wanted to gauge Mark's reaction when she did.
As if on cue, her door swung open and Lee'al stepped out, swinging a bag over her shoulder. Disentangling himself from Brian, Jacob took a step towards Mark. "Mark, I'd like you to meet Lee'al. Lee'al, this is my son Mark."
"It's a pleasure to finally meet you," Lee'al said warmly as she came around the car. "Jacob has told me so much about you all." No, it wasn't Lee'al; that flick of the head was pure Nelaris.
Mark's jaw dropped. "This is your girlfriend?" The words were directed at Jacob, but his attention was focused on Lee'al. "Sam said she was young, but I thought she'd at least be as old as I am. I never figured you for a cradle-robber, Dad." By this time Mark's wife Alyson had joined him on the lawn, and she put a warning hand on his arm. He shook it off, but took the hint and said nothing more.
"Hi, I'm Alyson," his wife introduced herself, stepping forward and extending her hand. "I see you've met Brian already. Mary's at a dance class; she should be home in about half an hour."
"Lee'al." The two women shook hands, and Alyson began leading her guest into the house.
"You must be tired after your journey. I'll give you a tour of the house, then let you freshen up. Mark, help your father with the luggage."
Mark's mouth twisted at his wife's command, and he transferred his glare to Jacob, but he said nothing further as he stepped around him to get the suitcases out of the trunk.
##Well. That was interesting,## Selmak observed mildly. ##It's a good thing he wasn't upset.## Jacob choked back a laugh; he'd had a lot of practice at doing that since he'd blended with Selmak. Laughing or otherwise responding to comments from someone nobody else could hear was common among the Tok'ra, but outsiders tended to regard it as odd. Still, Jacob was glad of Selmak's wry humor; he had a feeling he would need it to get through the week ahead.
***
"Would you like a cup of coffee?" Alyson asked as they finished the tour of the house and went back into the kitchen.
"No, thank you," Nelaris said. Selmak had warned her about the vile Tau'ri brew. "Water would be nice, though." Lee'al was grateful that her symbiont was handling the situation; she had long since gotten used to the feel of another person using her body, and even with Jake's warning, she had not expected Mark's reaction to be so awful. She would not have handled the situation with as much equanimity. And without Alyson's calm intervention, things would have been much worse. Mark's wife wasn't exactly welcoming her with open arms, but she was at least courteous and polite, and whatever she thought about Lee'al she wasn't expressing.
Lee'al studied her surroundings as she waited for her host to get her coffee and join her at the table. The house was neither as large nor as opulent as the one she grew up in, but it was considerably more comfortable. And while the Tok'ra tunnels were undeniably practical for a resistance group on the run, and the symbiotes liked them, Lee'al had always found them chilly, hard, and monotonous. The photographs on the sunny yellow walls and the slight clutter gave it an air of cheerful family life, and the size was just right for a family of four.
"You'll have to excuse Mark," Alyson said as she handed Lee'al her water and took a seat, cradling her own mug of coffee. "Jacob hadn't even flirted with another woman since his wife died, at least as far as we knew, and then all of a sudden not only does he have a girlfriend, it's serious enough to bring her home to meet the family. It was a bit of a shock, especially when Sam mentioned you were a bit younger than Jacob. I'm afraid he still hadn't gotten over it by the time you arrived, looking like a supermodel. I don't know exactly what he was expecting, but, well ..."
"I wasn't it. I quite understand," Nelaris reassured her.
What's a supermodel? Lee'al asked.
##I don't know; ask Jacob later.## "I realize how sudden our relationship must seem, but we had known each other for some time before we got together. I'm afraid the sudden visit was my fault--I so wanted to meet you, as Jacob speaks of you often. Unfortunately, my schedule is erratic and difficult to judge in advance, and Jacob's and Sam's are no better. Everything just came together for this visit, and I was afraid that if we didn't take the chance while we had it, it might be quite some time before another one arose."
"Ah." Alyson sipped at her coffee. "So, how did the two of you meet?"
"We were introduced by mutual friends." ##I suggest we get comfortable. This is a polite interrogation session designed to both get information and give Jacob and Mark time to talk. We may be here a while.##
***
Jacob and Mark unloaded the bags from the trunk in a stony silence. Sam had taken Brian off somewhere to give the two of them some privacy. Selmak had suggested letting Mark speak first, and get what was bothering him off his chest, and Selmak was usually right about such things. But if Mark didn't start opening up real soon, Jacob was going to talk.
As he held open the front door, Mark spoke. "So, how old is she?" His voice was hard, accusatory.
"Twenty-four." It was a lie; she was only eighteen, and looked younger. Twenty-four was as old as they figured they could claim and get away with. It was better than eighteen, but not by much. ##Besides, Nelaris is over fifteen hundred years old. If the lie bothers you, you could just tell him the truth. Surely fifteen hundred would be old enough for him.## Jacob picked up the two largest pieces of luggage and started for the house, sending a brief thought of thanks Selmak's way. "She looks a lot younger than she is, I know, but that's useful in her line of work. And she's been through a lot in her lifetime; she isn't your typical twenty-four-year-old by any stretch of the imagination." And that was all completely true.
Mark snorted, but didn't directly follow up. "So what does she do for a living?"
"She works for military intelligence." That was also true, even if it was misleading; it was the best way of describing what the Tok'ra did without getting into the messy details of alien body-snatchers and resistance movements. "I'm afraid the details are classified. She travels around a lot on short notice, that's why this visit is so sudden."
Mark dropped the luggage he was carrying in the room that Jacob and Lee'al were evidently going to share. ##It might be the coward's way out, but I'm glad it was Sam and not us who talked with Mark about the sleeping arrangements,## Selmak whispered. Jacob could only agree.
"You work with her, don't you," Mark said in an incredulous voice. "That's what you're doing when you're `traveling.' All this time, you've claimed to be retired, you've been lying to us. That's why you're so hard to contact, why we never know what you're doing or where you are until after the fact. Have you ever even been to some of the places you've described? What about all those stories you tell Brian and Mary about your travels. Were those lies, too?"
Jacob closed his eyes and scratched his head. and he'd thought things couldn't get any worse. Any suggestions, wise guy? It was an old joke they shared about Selmak being supposedly the wisest Tok'ra.
##Apologize, explain, and stay as close as you can to the truth.##
Right. "What I said was, I retired from the Air Force. Which is perfectly true. It's splitting hairs, I know, but at the time it seemed the best way to handle the situation. All those stories I tell, yes, they're true. The names have been changed, some of the details altered to keep classified information safe, but all that stuff really has happened. I'm sorry I had to conceal so much of my life from you. I've wanted to tell you for years. Hell, I want to tell you exactly what it is I do right now more than you can imagine, but I can't." He sat down heavily on the bed. "I'm sorry. I wish there was more I could say, but there isn't."
Mark sat down on the chair across from him, face closed. His mouth was set in a hard line. "So, how'd you get from being a burned out major general to an international super-spy, if you don't mind my asking. You always said when we were kids that the intelligence men were all either jerks or idiots, and usually convinced they were superior to everyone else. Now you are one. But why tell me? After all, I'm only your son. Not much reason for you to tell me anything."
Jacob sighed. "Mark, if I could tell you, I would. Believe me when I say that not being able to tell you the truth, the whole truth, is the only major regret I have at the moment. What I'm going to tell you now is the abbreviated, censored version, but unfortunately it's the best I can do."
"So you're classified Top Secret, eh?"
"Actually, the work I do now is considerably more classified than that. By the way, you can't tell anyone even the limited bit I can tell you. Well, I guess you can tell Alyson, but it can't go any further than that." Jacob paused, gathering his thoughts. Thankfully, Mark didn't fill the silence with another pithy remark. "It started several years ago when I had cancer. I was doing badly. The chemo and radiation they had me on just weren't working. They were pretty sure I was going to die. Hell, I was pretty sure I was going to die." Mark shifted uncomfortably; at least he wasn't angry enough to be unaffected by the reminder of how close to death Jacob had come. That meant there had to be some filial affection left, right?
"I contacted Sam, told her what was happening, tried to mend some fences there. Too damn proud and stubborn to try and talk to you, I guess. Stupid, but them I never claimed I was the brightest apple in the bunch. Anyway, if you haven't figured this out by now, your sister's work involves a lot more than just deep space radar telemetry, though what she really does for a living is just as classified as what I do, unfortunately, so I'm afraid I can't tell you much there."
"Deep space radar telemetry," Mark said with a snort. "It's not exactly the most convincing cover story, especially when you consider all those scars she's got. And Sam, as brilliant as she is, never was a very good liar. Not to people she cares about."
"You don't know the half of it," Jacob agreed. "Anyway, she had connections to a group that had a radical and experimental treatment for cancer. Catch was, if I agreed to let them try it on me, I had to join their group. Well, that is, if I survived. A good share of that was simple medical necessity, and partly it was a gesture of good faith on both parts; I'm a sort of liaison between my group and Sam's group. And part of it was that they're working for a very good cause. That's how I got involved with this group."
"Can you even tell me their name?" Mark's face was still closed, revealing nothing.
"The name would mean nothing to you. I guarantee you've never heard of them."
Mark snorted.
##Jacob, what can it hurt? It's only a name.## "Okay, but you have to promise me you won't tell anyone, not even Alyson."
"Dad, this cloak and dagger stuff is getting really old. Just cut the bull and give me the name."
"Mark, I'm serious." Jacob caught his son's eye, and held it until the younger man looked away.
"Yeah, okay, I promise. My lips are sealed."
"We're called the Tok'ra."
"Nice name. What's it mean?"
"I can't tell you that."
"Riiight."
Mark shook his head and stalked out of the room.
***
"Dance class is the one place Mary really shines," Alyson said. Nelaris had steered the conversation in that direction; most parents could be counted upon to wax lyrical about their children, and listening was far safer than talking. "She's a good enough student, and has played little league in both baseball and soccer, but nothing out of the ordinary. Being one of the best in her class has given her self-confidence a boost, which is all to the good."
Behind her, the door opened. Lee'al sat up as Jake trudged in; one look at his face was all it took to figure out that the meeting with Mark had not gone well. Her heart sank. She hated to see her mate look so depressed. And it was because of her.
Alyson turned around, and must have made the same assessment, for she sighed. "I'll get you some coffee, Jacob."
"Thanks," he said as he sat down next to Lee'al. She covered his hand with hers, and he gave her a bleak smile.
"I'm sorry, Jake. I should not have insisted we come."
He shrugged. "It had to happen sometime," he said, "and maybe it was better sooner than later. Who knows when we'd have had the chance to do this again, and if he'd had time to build up a picture of you in his mind, he'd probably have been even madder if he met you in person and you didn't fit the picture."
There was perhaps some truth in that, but she knew him well enough to know that he did not fully believe it himself. ##Still, what's done is done,## Nelaris said. ##Assigning blame now is pointless and counterproductive. What we must do now is figure out a method of fixing the breach.##
Do you have any ideas?
##Perhaps. But the situation is delicate, and calls for more intelligence on the situation and those involved in it. Acting in haste on assumptions that may prove faulty would be worse than doing nothing at all. For now, watch and wait.##
Sam entered the kitchen as Alyson handed Jake his coffee, and accepted the offer of one for herself. "Brian's upstairs dragging out some science project to show you. He should be down in a minute. How'd it go with Mark?"
"Downhill, fast." Jacob shrugged. "Actually, he didn't say much about Lee'al. He figured out that we work for the same group, and that's what I'm doing when I'm unreachable. Then he accused me of lying to him about being retired all these years, et cetera. I gave him the abbreviated version of how I got involved--"
"How abbreviated?" Sam asked, sitting up straighter.
"Very. And then he stalked off, mad. You know his major problem with me was always that he thought I paid more attention to work than to my family."
"And that if you hadn't been too busy to pick Mom up, she wouldn't have gotten that cab." Sam shook her head and took a large gulp of her coffee.
Nelaris tilted her head. What? Lee'al asked.
##Do you not remember? Jacob said his wife died in a car accident, when the cab she was taking was hit by a drunk driver.##
You don't think that's the cab that Sam mentioned, do you? Lee'al was horrified. Together with her presence, it made the situation far more volatile.
##Exactly. Mark finds himself in a situation that brings up all the emotional resonance of the arguments that tore apart his relationship with his father in the first place, and they are centered around the death of his mother. At the same time he is presented with his mother's replacement, whom he would object to in any case, given the age difference and possibly the ethnic one. It puts his Jacob in the worst possible light in his eyes. This is worse than I thought.##
Well, at least Alyson appears to be on our side. She may be able to influence Mark, at least a little.
Sam sighed, drawing Lee'al's attention back to the world outside her head. That was one of the perils of being blended; if you weren't careful, you could focus so much on talking with your symbiote (or host) that you completely lost track of the world around you.
"I think I'll go find Mark, see if I can get him calmed down a bit." Sam smiled at Alyson. "Thanks for the coffee."
"Good luck," Jake said.
***
Jacob watched his daughter leave. He wished he could believe that Sam could help, but long, bitter experience had taught him better than that. Both Sam and Mark were too much like him, unfortunately; Sam in her damn near inability to deal with and act upon her feelings constructively, and Mark in his pigheaded stubbornness. He'd taught them both that, unfortunately, especially in the years after their mother died. Chin up, soldier on, don't ever let them see you're hurt, and do what you gotta do to get the job done. He hadn't been a martinet, but damn near close, especially right after Mary died and he hadn't known any other way to handle his own grief, let alone his children's. Jacob had managed to unbend enough to show Sam, a little, his grief and regret; she was a girl, and so much like her mother sometimes. Mark ... not really.
##You did the best you knew how,## Selmak said gently. ##You could not have done any better and still been yourself. You are not the same man now that you were then; Mark is not the same angry, grieving child, and Sam is far stronger emotionally than you give her credit for. Both are good, responsible adults, both are happy, and in the end is that not all that a parent can hope for his children?##
A surge of warmth came across the bond, and Jacob soaked it up gratefully. Nelaris squeezed his hand, and he squeezed back; she responded by putting an arm around him. ##You see? Five years ago you would not have been able to accept such a gesture of support; now, you bask in it. You can admit your feelings, deal with them. You have changed for the better.##
Jacob stared down into his coffee. Yeah, but it's not doing much good now. Twenty-five years ago, it would have made a difference. Sam was broken-hearted, and withdrew almost completely into her science books and classes because that was the only way she could handle her grief. Mark turned his outward, lashing out at me and the military and everything I stood for, because I was so closed and focused on my own grief that it was the only way to get an emotional reaction. Sam was caught in the middle. And now, all these years later, she is still caught in the middle because I screwed things up so badly that the second Mark and I stop walking on eggshells around each other, our whole relationship explodes into anger.
##You cannot change the past. And if you assume the present will follow the same pattern, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. None of you are the same person you were then.##
Tell that to Mark. Jacob sat up straighter as Brian came in with a board, covered in a papier-m'ch volcano.
"Mom, can we show Granddad how it works?"
"Of course."
As Alyson began bustling around the kitchen gathering supplies to make the volcano "erupt," Jacob and Brian sat at the kitchen table and inspected the project together. Thank God Brian hadn't picked up on the tension between his father and grandfather, yet.
***
As Jake and his grandson inspected the project, Lee'al slipped out of the kitchen on the pretense of fatigue.
##Are you sure we should be doing this?## Nelaris asked. ##Mark is not the enemy. Nor is Colonel Carter.##
Maybe not, but you're the one who was emphasizing the delicacy of the situation. We've walked into an emotional minefield. And we can't defuse it if we don't know more about what's going on. I know exactly how nasty family squabbles can get, and I will not allow that to happen to Jake. It's too important to him.
Nelaris sent a surge of doubt, but acquiesced.
As Lee'al crept down the hall, she heard Sam and Mark arguing. She ducked into the nearest room--perfect. It was what the Tau'ri, with their peculiar and unpredictable delicacy, called the "rest" room or "bath" room. There would be nothing amiss if she were found in it. And the window was open a crack, allowing sound to enter from the backyard, where Sam and Mark were. Lee'al quietly closed the door and moved closer to the window.
"--and he's too damn old to be playing around with a piece of jail-bait like that. God. He doesn't have time for his own grandkids, can't be bothered to leave a number they can reach him through, but he's got the time to shack up with that chick and go play spy?"
"Mark, it isn't like that and you're twisting everything to see it in the worst possible light. What Dad does is important. What they both do is important."
"Yeah, I know." He snorted. "It's always important. I mean, hey, we're only family. Nothing important, there. I don't know what he does, and frankly, I don't care. I don't know why he bothers to show up. He's always had more important things to do. Even when we were kids. How many of my school plays did he miss? How many of your science fairs?"
"Mark, he was at a lot more things than he missed. He did his best--"
"What about Mom's Ladies Guild picnics? Or her bridge games? Or her--"
"And how many husbands ever showed up to those kinds of things?" Sam broke in. "Not many. She never expected Dad to go to those things. It was a different era, with different standards. So why are you so mad about all that almost thirty years later?"
"Yeah, well maybe Mom should have expected more from him. And maybe you should stop trying so hard to defend him. Oh, wait, I forgot, you're Daddy's little girl, his perfect daughter who followed him into the Air Force and became the perfect soldier, and whose work is so important to her she doesn't even have time to drive the hour to Denver to see her fianc once a week. Just like dear old Dad."
##That complicates things,## Nelaris commented to Lee'al.
Yes. He obviously doesn't trust her to be a neutral mediator. We must hope Alyson is willing and able to fill that role, or this whole household will be nothing but two armed camps. It's a bad situation.
"Mark, stop it," Sam snapped.
Lee'al didn't know the older woman well, but it didn't seem quite in character. Still, when tempers were running high in a family feud people said and did things they normally wouldn't; Lee'al had seen much of that growing up. Alas, it was seldom a good thing.
"You're being a jerk, and you know it," Sam went on. "God knows Dad wasn't perfect, but he did the best job he knew how to do. But you won't even give him credit for trying. And this is not about Dad's parenting skills thirty years ago, or about Mom, or about me. This is about here and now. Dad knows what mistakes he made, and he'd probably act differently if he had it to do over again. But he doesn't, and whining about the past is only going to make things worse. Right now, he's trying to make amends, he's trying to include you in his life as much as possible, and you reacted by throwing it back in his face. God, Mark! Would you rather he hid her from you?"
"No, I'd rather he didn't shack up with someone in the first place. At least someone closer to his own age, dammit! Someone more than ten years older than his granddaughter! What would Mom think if she saw him with her? It's sick, Sam. I don't know why you're so on his side about the whole thing."
"Mark, he loves her. She loves him. They're happy together. Don't you think Mom would want him to be happy? It's been over two decades since she died, and I think that's long enough to grieve for her, Mark. He's not dead, and hopefully won't be for some time. If he's finally getting a life outside his work and finding happiness, I say more power to him! Sure, she's young and that's a little uncomfortable. But you don't even know her! She's intelligent, has a good sense of humor, and is frankly a whole lot more mature than you're acting right now. If you put aside your pig-headedness for just ten minutes and actually talked to her instead of ranting about her, you might be pleasantly surprised. You're making the kind of snap judgements on superficial characteristics you always complain about Dad making, except you're five times as self-righteous about it as he ever was."
Sam was still uneasy about Lee'al and Jacob's relationship? Lee'al had noticed a bit of reticence on her part, but had assumed it was merely part of the typical Tau'ri lack of comfort around the Tok'ra.
"Sam," Mark tried to get a word in edgewise, but Sam just kept on going.
"Speaking of Mom, how do you think she'd react to you treating anyone the way you're treating Lee'al? You've been rude and hostile and I'm ashamed to admit you're my brother. Mom would have had your hide. And then there's the way you've treated Dad. He's trying to reach out to you, and you stomped on him. He's sitting in the kitchen now, staring into his coffee and trying to hide how much pain you're causing him. And if you'd just get your head out of your ass, you'd see it. How do you think Mom would feel about that, huh? Stop acting like a fourteen-year-old, Mark. It doesn't suit you. When you're back to your normal, considerate self come back in and join us, ok?"
This was followed by rustling sounds, and then the sound of the sliding glass door to the living-room opening. One or both of them was coming in; Lee'al would bet it was Sam. Making as much noise as possible without being obvious, Lee'al relieved herself and washed her hands before rejoining Jacob in the kitchen. She had much to think about.
***
By Friday night, Lee'al had had enough.
They had arrived on Monday afternoon, and were scheduled to fly out early Wednesday morning. And things weren't getting any better. Everyone managed to be civil in front of the children, but only barely. When the children weren't around, the air was filled with either acrimonious words or a stony silence. Alyson, Sam, and Lee'al tried to play peacemaker, but as often as not were drawn in to the fights themselves. Thankfully, although both Mark and his wife had taken time off for the visit, they still had to work some; it allowed time for tempers to cool. But it didn't take long for them to flare back up again. Mark was always spoiling for a fight, and Jake's temper was nothing to boast about, even with Selmak to help calm him down. Each fight covered the same territory over and over, like a pair of system lords battling over a planet, leaving only ashes in their wake.
Clearly, Something Had To Be Done.
##I don't like this,## Nelaris said for the hundredth time. Lee'al ignored her. The one real problem with the symbiotes was that their view of things was far too long; it went hand in hand with a lifetime that could last thousands of years. There were times it was a very good thing, but this was not one of them. Yes, Selmak and Nelaris had thousands of years to wait; Jake and Lee'al had hundreds, thanks to their symbiotes. Mark didn't. Re-building what little relationship he and Jake had had been a difficult challenge; re-building it under these circumstances, if the visit ended as it had began, would be damn near impossible. And she didn't know for certain what the effect of that would be on Jacob, but from the desolation she'd seen in his eyes when they were alone, she had a pretty good idea. Lee'al did not intend for that to happen. She had a plan.
It required careful planning, not least because if Jake caught any wind of it, he would try to prevent it. She squashed her uneasiness at going behind his back, which would have been much easier without the host/symbiote bond; Nelaris wasn't helping, and the fact that disentangling the emotions of the host from the emotions of the symbiote was next to impossible made it that much harder. It was for her mate's own good, she reminded herself.
It had been decided that Jake would take his grandkids and the three women to Seaworld the next day. Mark would not be accompanying them, but Mary had invited a friend. Which meant that two cars would be needed.
Which meant that it would be child's play to separate herself from the group and miss the trip. With a little help, of course.
"Alyson, can we talk for a minute?"
Mark's wife looked up from where she crouched in front of the washing machine, and pushed a strand of frizzy brown hair behind her ear. "Sure," she said. "Just let me get the laundry started and we can go someplace quiet."
Jacob and Sam were in the family room playing a board game called Monopoly. Nelaris would have been fascinated to stay and study the game, and the picture of Tau'ri socio-economic attitudes and structure it gave, but Mark was sitting in a corner reading a book, and she avoided him when possible; until and unless he calmed down, her presence only made it worse. They would not be surprised if she was absent for a time, and Alyson made a habit of puttering around the house doing small chores around this time of night.
After Alyson had started the laundry, she led Lee'al into the spare bedroom that she and Jake were sharing. "So, what do you want to talk about?"
Lee'al curled up on the bed and invited Alyson to join her. "Well, I think we both agree that the situation can't be allowed to continue as it is. There's too much anger flying around for the situation to be resolved on its own, and nothing anyone's tried so far has made the situation any better. In fact, most of the things we've tried have only made it worse."
"I know." Alyson sighed and plopped down beside Lee'al. It was the least guarded moment she'd had all week. "I'm sorry about Mark, I really am. I don't know what's going on inside his head. He's not usually like this. I expected an outburst when you showed up and he got his first look at you, but nothing like this. Jacob is trying so hard to reach out--well, most of the time--and Mark just keeps lashing out."
"Well, I think he comes by it honestly. From what I know of Jacob, twenty years ago he would have reacted exactly the same. It's why they didn't speak for so long." Lee'al shrugged. "Jacob mellowed out a great deal as he aged, and hopefully Mark will do the same. The problem is, by the time he's ready to take the next step and rebuild their relationship, it might be too late. Now, you'll forgive me if I don't really care much about how that makes Mark feel after this week, but it would hurt Jake very much."
"I don't blame you, but you'll forgive me if I do care how Mark feels about it." Alyson cocked her head. "You know, that's the first time since you've been here that you've made a reference to Jake's age?"
"I generally don't pay much attention to it. I don't think age is relevant in our case." Lee'al smiled. "Besides, Jake pays enough attention to it for the both of us. I think he's gotten over it, but sometimes he'll say or think the oddest things." She shook her head. "I thought that was all it was when he was so nervous about bringing me to visit. I should have listened to him. I knew their relationship was precarious enough as it was, it didn't need any added complications."
"You can't blame yourself for my husband being an asshole about the whole thing."
"No, but I can blame myself for not listening to his father who had a good idea it was possible." Lee'al paused, looking around the room. In contrast to the rest of the house, it was fairly bland. White walls, beige curtains and bed-set, brown carpet. Memory of the last few nights spent holding Jake in this very bed, comforting him as he dealt with the situation she had created, helped her continue despite Nelaris' continued misgivings. "I think that if I can talk with Mark--really talk, just the two of us with no interruptions--I may be able to bring him around."
"I doubt it," Alyson shook her head. "Normally, I'd say go ahead and try, but not the way he's acting."
"Could it possibly hurt?"
"Point. So, what kind of help do you need from me?"
Lee'al turned so she could look her right in the eye. "I need you to get everyone else out of the house tomorrow, without Jake realizing I'm not with you, at least at first. And then when he does realize I'm not there, I need you to keep him from coming home and interrupting us right away. You might need the kids' help. Jake's not going to like what I'm going to tell Mark, but it's for his own good."
Alyson laughed. "You don't ask for much, do you? And what, may I ask, are you going to tell him?"
"I'm going to tell him exactly what it is we do for a living." Lee'al shrugged. "I don't have as great a respect for `need to know' and `classified' as Jake has, and I think the whole situation is ridiculous. Jake'll forgive me, I know; he thinks the way the government is trying to keep it secret is almost as silly as I do. It'll be public knowledge soon enough, anyway. Given all that's happening, I'm shocked they've managed to keep it under wraps this long. No, telling Mark won't seriously hurt anything, and Jacob knows that. He'll be upset, but his bark is worse than his bite. And if it fixes his relationship with his son, I think he'll come around."
"So, do I get to know what this deep dark secret is? Are you searching for Osama bin Laden, or something like that?"
"It's a long story, and we don't want anyone to get suspicious. You'll find out soon enough, but for now why don't we plan out tomorrow's mission?"
"Fair enough."
***
"Granddad, can Lee'al ride with Mom and I?" Mary asked. It was eight-thirty, and they had hoped to be on the road by now, but the effort of getting three teens ready to go that early on a Saturday morning had killed that timetable. Ten years ago, Jacob would have been upset by the delay; now, he just sat back and watched the chaos. Selmak was rather amused by it all; he'd commented earlier that most major missions against the Goa'uld took less planning and preparation.
"Sure, honey," Jacob said with a smile, glad Mary at least was warming up to her.
"Thanks." Mary gave him a peck on the cheek and scampered back to where she and her friend were chatting with Lee'al. Standing next to the two younger girls, his mate appeared no older than they, and Jacob suppressed the customary twinge of unease at the thought. Even after over five years with the Tok'ra, he hadn't quite gotten over the habit of judging age based on the host's appearance.
##It's quite understandable, under the circumstances,## Selmak commented. ##As long as you are aware of it and don't let it mislead you. Such mental adjustments take time, and usually that's one of the last to happen. Nelaris and Lee'al understand.##
Yeah, but Mark doesn't.
##He would if you'd just tell him the truth,## Selmak said quietly. It was the symbiote's equivalent of muttering under his breath, and Jacob ignored it. Selmak was good at that sort of thing, and Jacob knew he had a point, but there was still enough Air Force in him to defend "need to know."
"Okay, I think we're all ready." Alyson came out of the house, carrying a backpack with her. Brian trailed after her, yawning pointedly and munching on a breakfast bar.
"You ready to go, kiddo?" Jacob asked Brian. Sam was already sitting in the car waiting for them.
"Sure," Brian said. He started around the hedge to the car parked in the street in front of the house.
Jacob smiled at Lee'al, who was climbing into the back seat of Alyson's Chevy. She waved back at him, then said something to Alyson that Jacob didn't catch. "I'll see you there," he said, and followed his grandson out front.
Once the obligatory debate over who got shotgun had been concluded (Jacob laughingly gave in to Brian's demand; after all, with Selmak to handle any cramps or stiffness, the backseat was no hardship to him), Sam started the car and they were on their way. Alyson pulled out of the driveway right behind them.
"So, Brian, you say you want to be a marine biologist when you grow up. What's your favorite kind of whale?"
***
Lee'al smiled as Alyson turned out of the driveway. Mary waved at her, and they were gone. Lee'al waited for a few minutes to be sure they were out of sight before rising from her position hidden behind the shrub. Mary sure had been eager to help, she thought fondly; the girl was no dunce, and was quite aware of the tense relationships around her.
Turning, Lee'al headed for the gate beside the driveway that led to the backyard. There was no telling how long Alyson and Mary would manage to keep Jacob from finding her gone, or if they'd manage to keep him there once he found out. Best to make use of what time she had.
Rounding the corner of the house, she spotted Mark already hard at work pruning the maple tree in which his children had built their fort. A pile of branches had already been accumulated at the base of the tree. Perfect. She came to a halt behind him.
"Mark, we need to talk."
***
The two carloads had decided to meet up just inside the front gates of Seaworld--the parking-lot was too big an area, and there were benches and shade inside. Brian and Jacob had kept up an animated conversation all the way there, and Mary and Alyson had joined in as soon as they arrived. So it was not until they were actually starting off together that Jacob noticed one of their group was missing.
"Where's Lee'al?" he asked Sam.
"I don't know."
"She didn't come," Alyson said. "She wanted to have a private chat with Mark, and figured that today was her best opportunity."
"She what?" Jacob twisted around to face his daughter-in-law. "And how come I'm only finding out about this now?" A hundred scenarios of possible confrontations between Mark and Lee'al flashed through his head, none of them pleasant. What did she possibly think she could say that he and Sam hadn't already tried? A horrible thought occurred to him, a very good reason why Lee'al would have wanted Jacob on the other side of San Diego, safely out of interference range, for this conversation. No, she wouldn't would she?
"She didn't want you to worry." Alyson sighed. "Look, I know I've tried talking sense into Mark, and it hasn't worked. He won't even listen to you and Sam. The one person who hasn't tried talking him around is your girlfriend, and I guess she figures it's her turn now. We talked it over last night, and the way things stand, she can't make things any worse, now can she?"
"I should go back and--"
Alyson laid a hand on his arm. "No, you shouldn't," she said gently. "We know for certain that Mark won't listen if you're there. Relax. Let her try. If things blow up, there's time enough to deal with it later. This morning, you're taking your grandchildren to Seaworld."
##Besides,## Selmak said, ##given the length of time it takes to drive in this city, by the time you got back she would already be done telling him about Nelaris and I and the Stargate, if that is truly what she's doing. I doubt it is; Nelaris wouldn't agree to going behind your back like that.##
I hope you're right. Jacob looked at Mary and Brian, who were watching him closely. Brian, in particular, had been looking forward to this trip since Jacob's last visit. He looked up at Sam, and saw the fear of what Lee'al might be telling Mark in her eyes. He looked back at the kids, and sighed. "Okay. You win."
***
"Mark, we need to talk."
Mark kept on pruning. "I thought you were going to Seaworld with the rest."
"I can see Seaworld some other time. If, that is, Jacob is welcome to visit in the future. At this point, given your actions and attitude, that doesn't seem likely."
"Given my actions and attitude?" Now Mark turned to face her. "I'm not the only one involved, lady."
"True. Jacob can be a stubborn son-of-a-bitch at times. And Sam has lost her temper on more than one occasion during this visit. But the fact remains that almost every argument on this trip that I have seen was provoked by you. Poor Alyson is playing peacemaker as much as she can, as is Sam; Jake is practically bending over backwards to please you, and the children are more aware of what's going on around them than I think you realize."
Mark started to interrupt, but Lee'al held up a hand. "Please, hear me out." To her surprise, he subsided. "I really couldn't care less what you think of me. But I love your father very much, and I will do anything in my power to keep him from getting hurt. He does not show emotion easily, but that does not mean he does not feel deeply. He loves you and your sister more than he is capable of expressing. He knows he was not the best father, but he regrets his shortcomings and is trying to make amends as best he can. Is there not some way you could accept him as he is? What can I say or do that will help?"
Mark snorted, and crossed his arms. "Y'know, all this talk about how much he loves me would be much more effective coming from him. He didn't used to send other people to do what he was afraid to."
"He doesn't know I'm here." Lee'al smiled. "I'm afraid Alyson and I did a little scheming last night. Jake thinks I'm in the other car; hopefully, he won't realize I'm not there until they arrive. He worries too much, and would have tried to stop me. Given that you're his son, he thinks he has a right to tell me what to do in this case. Now, normally I'd agree with him, but his way obviously isn't working. And he's the one who told me the old saying that it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission."
"That's all very fascinating," Mark said, "but even if he were here, his assurances that he's changed and that things are different now don't carry much weight with me when he won't even tell me the truth about his life. I mean, even when we were kids and he was at his most strict, if he couldn't tell us what he was doing, or if he was too busy to be a good father, he'd at least tell us that outright instead of lying to us about it."
Lee'al sighed. That was about as perfect a cue as she was going to get.
##Well, are you going to do it, or are you going to have a sudden attack of sanity? You know how Jacob's going to react, and you know what I think of this, but I'm not stopping you. If you're going to do it, you should do it now.##
I am very well aware of that Nelaris, thank you. "You do have the right to know what your father is doing these days."
Mark straightened up, frowning. "What, no `sorry, that's classified'? No cloak-and-dagger warnings?"
"No." Lee'al clasped her hands behind her back. "While I understand and completely agree with the need for discretion and need-to-know when handling delicate material, I think your government's insistence on secrecy in this case is completely absurd. You have a right to know just how dangerous the world truly is, and they can't possibly hope to keep it quiet much longer. Too much has happened over the last eight years, and too many people know."
"Wait a minute. `Your government'? You're not American? How'd Dad get mixed up with you?"
That's your cue, Nelaris.
##Yes.## Lee'al felt her head dip as Nelaris took over. She exaggerated it, to make it more obvious to someone who had, as yet, no idea what it meant. "No, I'm not an American." She flanged her voice more than usual, and flared her eyes. "As a matter of fact, this is my first visit to the planet."
Mark took a step back, arms unfolding almost involuntarily. "The hell?" He shook his head, eyeing her as if she were insane. "You're not going to try and tell me you're an alien, are you?"
"I am. Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Nelaris, and I am pleased to make your acquaintance directly." She bowed slightly. "Lee'al, with whom you have been speaking, is my host. I'll explain what all that means shortly, but first I wanted to do something to prove to you that I am telling the truth." Reaching into her purse, she withdrew a zat'nik'atel, and opened it. "This weapon is called a zat'nik'atel. Members of your military who are familiar with it call it a `zat-gun' for short; that nickname appears to be working its way into the vocabularies of various offworld groups with whom they have come in contact. Would you mind if I disposed of your yard debris for you?"
Mark gestured expansively at the pile of limbs. "Be my guest."
"When used on a living creature, the first shot stuns," one shot, "two shots kills," second shot, "and the third shot," she triggered the final shot and watched the limbs disappear, "disintegrates." She closed the zat.
"Well." Mark raised his eyebrows and stared at the ground where the pile had been. "That was dramatic. But you know, I saw my sister on national television just last month explaining a holographic projector the military has that had been used to fake the appearance of a Roswell Gray Alien. How do I know that's not more of the same?"
Nelaris shrugged. "Your world does not have the technology to construct such a device; they may have borrowed it from the Asgard or some other race to cover up the presence of a real alien. In any case, holograms are visual only. You may walk through the area where the limbs were; they are no longer there."
"Right." Mark sidled over to the area where the limbs had been sitting. He cast a sideways look at Nelaris before gingerly waving a hand through the air. "They're gone, alright. And while there's undoubtedly some way to fake the weird voice you've got, I've got no idea how you'd get your eyes to glow. So, provisionally, I'll assume you're telling the truth, at least until Dad and Sam get home. You'll forgive my skepticism, but I expected aliens to look, well," he gestured at her, "more alien."
"Of course." Nelaris smiled and gestured towards the house. "I'll tell you about it, but I anticipate it will be a long discussion. Perhaps we should adjourn to the house, for a more comfortable setting."
"Riiight." Mark stood the pruner against the house and opened the sliding-glass door to the family room. "After you." And if his courtesy was edged, at least it existed; his curiosity appeared to have snapped him out of his dislike, at least temporarily.
See? I was right.
##We'll see who was right once you've finished telling him and Jacob comes home. That will be the test, how they react to each other--and us--then.##
"Now," Lee'al said, curling up on the couch, "Trying to explain the interstellar situation and your father's place in it is rather complicated; please hold the interruptions to a minimum, so I can get through it all in a reasonable amount of time."
"Fair enough," Mark replied, wandering into the kitchen and grabbing himself a glass of Kool-Aid. "But first, why is your voice normal again?" He came out and sat down on the loveseat opposite her.
"The Tok'ra are a symbiotic people, Mark. There are two of us in this body. I am Lee'al, the host. I look and sound human because I am. The other person in this body is Nelaris, my symbiote." Your turn again.
Nelaris took over, again accentuating the head drop for Mark's benefit. "If you were to see me outside of a host, I would resemble a snake about two feet long, with fins and four needle-sharp fangs. My people can survive outside of a host for a short period of time, longer if we are immersed in water, but we are largely unable to interact with the world or communicate while in that state, so we much prefer to have hosts. Besides," she hesitated; this was not something often mentioned, "it is very lonely." It was true; the Tok'ra were unused to solitude, and did not handle it well. "I can impersonate Lee'al if I want to by using a normal voice, and have done so this past week at times as I could not come out as myself, but the Tok'ra prefer not to do such things if at all possible."
Lee'al took over. "Things generally work much more smoothly if everyone knows who exactly they're dealing with at any given moment. If you're wondering what I get out of the deal besides companionship--and Nelaris is the best friend I've ever had--well, being blended has its advantages."
"By being `blended,' you mean having a snake ... wherever she is inside you," Mark said.
"Yes." Lee'al smiled. "Would you like to see where she is?"
Mark raised his eyebrows. "Sure."
Lee'al turned around and took off her sweater, exposing her back to him.
##What about those Tau'ri nudity taboos Jacob was so emphatic about?## Nelaris thought as she wiggled a little to show Mark where she was.
Oops. Lee'al ignored the tickling sensation Nelaris made as she moved, and put the sweater back on slowly. I forgot. Besides, you've seen their television. I still had a bra on, and if they show that on TV it can't be too taboo, can it? She turned to find Mark looking at her with the strangest look on his face.
"That wiggle was Nelaris?"
"Yes." Lee'al considered apologizing for violating the taboo, but decided that the damage was done anyway and drawing attention to it would only make it worse. "Anyway, besides companionship, a symbiote makes someone physically much stronger than they otherwise would be, and gives them greater endurance. A symbiote also can heal almost any injury or disease, given a short period to rest and recuperate. For example, a broken bone will heal in only a day. And they extend one's life, as well. I'll probably live to be three or four hundred years old, because I was so young when I was blended; given his age at blending, your father will probably only live another two centuries or so."
"Wait a minute." Mark shot upright, eyes wide. "Dad is--what do you call it--blended? He's got an alien snake in his head? For how long?"
"You see why I think you have a right to know? Truth be known, Jacob agrees that you need to know this, though he still has too much of the Air Force in him to break security that badly." Lee'al sighed. "Mark, you are aware that your father had a bout with cancer a few years back? I don't know if you realize how serious it was. At the time he was blended with Selmak, your physicians gave him a life expectancy of somewhere between five minutes and five days. Selmak's host had a similar life expectancy. She was simply too old for Selmak to keep her alive much longer, and the effort of keeping her alive that long had drained Selmak to the point that she was almost unable to save Jake, despite the fact that cancer is one of the simpler ailments for a symbiote to treat."
"So, Selmak is the name of my father's symbiote." Mark sat back in the recliner, looking stunned. "And he's been there the entire time since Dad and I started talking to each other again five years ago, just kind of laying low?"
"Right." Lee'al cocked her head. I'm sure you have many more questions about the Tok'ra and your father's place among us, but I'd like to continue with a general overview of the galactic situation, if I may? That will hopefully put things into some sort of perspective."
Mark waved a hand, looking bemused. "By all means. This should be fascinating. I can't wait to get Dad's perspective on this whole business. And Sam's--I'm assuming she knows?"
"She does. She is one of the highest-ranking and most important officers in Stargate Command, your people's main agency dealing with extra-terrestrials and offworld events. You see, several million years ago a race known as the ancients left devices known as `stargates' on planets across the galaxy. These devices can send one to any planet with a stargate, via wormholes. The Earth stargate was uncovered in an archaeological dig some time ago, and sat in a warehouse for some time before your sister and her colleagues discovered how to operate it ..."
***
By the time they reached home, Jacob had worked himself into a state of extreme anxiety. He'd tried to concentrate on his grandkids and the park, but he had the feeling he hadn't succeeded very well. Selmak tried to help, but he couldn't reassure Jacob in one crucial area. It was true, Nelaris wouldn't choose to tell Mark the whole story without at least telling him first, but they couldn't be sure about Lee'al. They'd only known her a few months, after all, and if she insisted, Nelaris would probably acquiesce.
And whatever Lee'al decided to tell Mark, the chances of him taking it well were vanishingly small. The man was spoiling for a fight. If she told him the truth, he'd be mad because Jacob hadn't told him about such a life-altering event in the first place; if he'd been that mad about not knowing about a job, he'd be at least twice as mad not knowing his father was now (in some ways, at least) an alien. If she didn't tell him, he'd give her the same attitude he'd given Jacob and Sam. Except it would be worse, because she was the reason he was mad in the first place, and Mark had no familial bonds of affection with Lee'al to curb his anger even just a little. They'd dropped off Mary's friend first, to get her out of the line of fire if things were even half as bad as Jacob was expecting. A dozen scenarios of possible confrontations ran through his mind, each one more disastrous than the last.
Jacob's surprise was therefore very great when he walked in the door to see Mark and Lee'al sitting on the couch laughing, with at least a dozen forms of snack food open on the coffee table, pop in hand, with music playing. They were situated so that Lee'al's back was towards the front door, with Mark across from her.
Mark looked up at him and froze. But it wasn't out of anger; it seemed ... more uncertain. "Hi, Dad," he said as he reached over to stop the stereo. He glanced at Lee'al and gave her a small smile. Behind him, Jacob could sense the rest of the family pouring in the door behind him, staring at the scene. Brian peeked around his right side, Alyson was to his left, and Sam was behind her, tingling on his senses in the weird not-quite-Tok'ra way she did.
"Jacob," she said, turning towards him; except it wasn't Lee'al, it was Nelaris, complete with flanged voice and glowing eyes. As she turned, her left hand came into view; she was even wearing a ribbon device!
"Nelaris, what the hell are you doing?" Jacob demanded.
Her head dipped, and Lee'al took over. "Making peace with your son. Don't be mad at Nelaris; it was my idea and I insisted."
Jacob drew in a breath to launch into a blistering rebuke, but Lee'al held up a hand.
"Before you say anything, Jake, listen. If you can look me straight in the eye and say honestly and without reservation that you believe Mark had neither the right nor the need to know, that you don't believe he can be trusted with the information, and that the Tau'ri government's desire to keep this under wraps is the best decision possible, you may yell at me as much as you wish. If you can't, sit down and listen to your son for at least a little while before making any judgments." She folded her hands in her lap and looked at him expectantly.
Jacob stared at her, jaw clenched. Selmak had learned early on in their blending that when he got this mad, the best policy was generally to stay quiet and let Jacob sort it out on his own, but he could fell that Selmak wanted badly to say something. Well, what, wise guy?
##She does have a point, you know,## Selmak said delicately. ##I'm not necessarily agreeing with her, nor am I condoning her methods, but her point is worth considering. Besides, no amount of anger on your part can take it back, and Mark doesn't look angry. In fact, before he saw you, he looked more relaxed and at peace than I've ever seen him. The choice you have at this moment, it seems to me, is to either accept what's been done and take advantage of the situation to repair your relationship with Mark, or to get angry about it and possibly damage that relationship permanently. Nelaris and Lee'al can wait until we're alone to be dealt with.## Selmak tried to suppress a wave of heartache at the thought, but Jacob caught it anyway. At least, he assumed it came from Selmak; he might be wrong about that, and in the final analysis it didn't matter much.
Relationships among the Tok'ra were far more delicate than most human relationships, because of the nature of the host-symbiote bond and the fact that there were twice as many people involved. They were especially fragile when a new host was involved. Something like this could break a relationship, if it were allowed to. Selmak loved Nelaris very much, and was growing quite fond of Lee'al. Jacob knew this, for they loved as one. In the end, it was the thought of losing her as much as anything else that prompted him to close his mouth and give her a very old-fashioned look, before coming into the living room and sitting down on the recliner with his arms folded.
##Besides,## Selmak commented with a dash of humor, ##this way you can honestly say that it wasn't your idea. You can, in that curious Tau'ri phrase you use, `have your cake and eat it too.' And I like cake.##
Jacob held back a smile. Right. Just as long as you take care of the extra calories before they find their way to my midsection, you can eat all the cake you want. He and Lee'al, he realized, were the only two people in the room who weren't tense with anticipation. "So, Mark, how're you taking this?"
"I think I'm still in shock over meeting my first alien," Mark said, eyeing him as if he thought his father would burst out in anger at any moment.
"Well, technically speaking, she isn't your first alien," Jacob said. "She's your third."
"The first I knew about, then."
"You appear to be taking it ... better than I would have assumed," Jacob said cautiously.
"Were you expecting him to throw a fit and become even angrier?" Lee'al asked.
"Something like that, yeah," Jacob said. "It's certainly about how he's reacted to every other serious discussion I've tried to have with him lately."
"You're always too pessimistic, Jake," she replied, flipping a lock of hair over her shoulder. "Sometimes it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy."
"She's an alien?" Brian stared at her, then turned to Jacob. "Your girlfriend is an alien? This is so cool."
"She doesn't look like one," Mary observed, studying her skeptically.
"Well, her voice is funny now," Brian retorted. "Maybe she's some kind of shape-shifter. You know, like Odo on DS9."
"Mark, is this some kind of joke?" Alyson asked.
"No, Alyson, it's no joke." Jacob caught Sam's eye and shrugged. Her eyes were wide, and she was obviously trying to think of some way to salvage the situation. "Sam, what's done is done. I think the only way to handle things at this point is to swear everybody to secrecy and tell them the truth. If you're worried, I'll call George and explain the whole thing to him."
"Right," Sam said, coming around to stand by Jacob.
"Make yourselves comfortable," Jacob said to Alyson and the kids, who were still standing in the door. Once they had found seats, he went on. "First, the fact that the US Air Force has been sending people on missions to other planets and dealing heavily with aliens is extremely classified. Which is why you're only hearing about this now, and why you wouldn't have heard anything even now if Lee'al," and here Jacob bared his teeth at her; this was not over, and they would be having a very serious talk later when they were alone, "hadn't spilled the beans. So before we tell you anything else, you have to all promise that you won't say a word of this to anyone. I imagine first thing in the morning we'll be faxed some documents that you will all have to sign, agreeing never to reveal any of this without prior permission. That right, Sammy?"
She nodded.
"But we can talk about this among the family, right?" Mary asked. "I mean, those of us who are going to know, not, like, cousins or my other grandparents or anything."
"Yes," Sam said, "as long as you're careful that no one can overhear you, and as long as you understand that you'll be told the basic background information only. We still can't tell you anything related to ongoing or current operations."
"So how long have you known about aliens, Sam?" Alyson asked, in kind of a daze.
"About ten years, now."
"She was the one who got me involved," Jacob said. "Now, I need promises from each of you."
"I promise," said Mark.
"So do I," said Brian.
"Me, too," said Mary.
After a pause, Mark said "Alyson? Honey?"
"Hm?" She shook her head. "Oh. Yes, of course. I promise not to talk about this."
"Good." Jacob rubbed his hands together. "Well, the short version is that some time ago the Air Force got its hands on an alien device that had been buried for thousands of years. About nine years ago, they figured out how to make it work. Turns out, there are Stargates (that's what the device is called) throughout the galaxy on thousands of planets. It works kind of like a telephone. You dial up the stargate you want to go to, and it establishes a wormhole to the stargate on the other planet. You can just walk through, and let me tell you, that first trip through is pretty wild."
"We figured out pretty quickly that the galaxy is not a safe place," Sam said, joining in. "There's a lot of bad guys out there, some really nasty ones. For example, the dominant species in the Galaxy are the Goa'uld, snake-like parasites who enslave humans and masquerade as gods. There are humans all over the galaxy, most still slaves to the Goa'uld, who are descended from people the Goa'uld took from Earth long ago. Unfortunately, our very first mission alerted them that we were still around, and were now at a high enough technological level to be a threat to them. So we formed Stargate Command, the SGC, which is where I've been stationed for the past eight years. Our mission is to send teams out into the galaxy to look for allies and any technology that might be useful."
"Sam commands SG-1, the SGC's flagship team," Jacob said, giving Sam a proud smile. "Anyway, that's where I come in. You see, a long time ago a Goa'uld queen named Egeria realized that the Goa'uld were evil and needed to be brought down. She broke from Goa'uld society and created a resistance movement, called the Tok'ra. Don't call them Goa'uld, by the way; it's a huge insult. Anyway, instead of taking hosts by force and suppressing their personality completely as the Goa'uld do, the Tok'ra only take people who want to be blended, and share the body equally. There are some pretty cool perqs, too, like a greatly extended life and the ability to heal just about any disease or injury."
"The ease with which we can heal human bodies is the main reason we chose them as hosts in the first place," Nelaris broke in.
"She's one of these Tok'ra," Mark put in. "And apparently, so is Granddad, now, too."
"So, it's a symbiotic relationship?" Brian asked eagerly. "Like Dax on Star Trek?"
"I'm afraid I'm not very familiar with Star Trek," Jacob said with a smile.
"From how Lee'al explains it, not exactly," Mark said. "The host and symbiote have their own thoughts, though they do share emotions. It is kind of similar, though; for example, trying to remove the symbiote can kill the host, and the symbiote can live for hundreds of years."
"Thousands, actually," Lee'al corrected him. "My symbiote's name is Nelaris; you can tell she's in control when my voice sounds strange, or my eyes glow. Generally, when we switch control from one to the other, my head dips a little. Jake's symbiote is named Selmak."
"What's it like, Granddad?" Brian asked eagerly.
"It's kind of strange, at first," Jacob admitted. "But you get used to it pretty fast. Having my cancer gone was wonderful, and I didn't miss my arthritis, either, I can tell you. And Selmak was still kind of weak from the death of his previous host and the effort of healing me for the first few days, so he was pretty quiet, which gave me a bit of time to get used to the idea of sharing my head with someone else. Which I appreciated. I went from not knowing aliens existed to being one in under three hours, and the transition took some getting used to." He shook his head. "I had no idea what I was getting myself into when Sam and George Hammond came to me in the hospital with their proposition. I went through the Gate for the first time, met--and blended with--Selmak, and escaped in the nick of time from a Goa'uld attack without having a second to catch my breath.
"Then I went on with Garshaw--her host's name is Yosuf; she's a member of the Tok'ra High council--to the new Tok'ra base, and it wasn't until I was there and in the process of settling in that I realized just how far from home I was. I was, literally, the only person from Earth on an alien world." He sighed. "Selmak helped, a lot. I mean, he's an alien himself, but he's also the closest, best friend I've ever had." Selmak sent a tingle of warmth in thanks for that description. "That's the way blendings are supposed to be, you know, and I'm very grateful it happened that way. If it had been some other symbiote that needed a host at the time I needed a symbiote ... things could have been very different.
"Selmak's got a great sense of humor, and he's very smart. He's been called "the oldest and wisest" of the Tok'ra, and I tease him about it sometimes, but I've come to rely heavily on his advice and judgment. I've always been a stubborn son-of-a-bitch and pretty rough around the edges. I'm still the same person, definitely, but being blended with Selmak has sort of sanded down the worst of it." Jacob shrugged. "I'm not sure how much else there is I can tell you--most of it, you have to experience to understand."
"Do you guys share the same thoughts?" Brian asked.
Jacob shook his head. "No. We don't. Emotions, yes; it's pretty much impossible to tell which emotions come from which person, and after a while you stop trying to figure it out because when you get down to it, it's kind of irrelevant. For example, love for you guys we can pretty much assume originates with me, because you're my family, but since Selmak feels it just as intensely and immediately as I do, it belongs to him as much as to me. But we each have our own thoughts, though we can choose to share them, and often do."
Lee'al cleared her throat. "Now, before you guys got home, I was going to demonstrate this to Mark." She raised the hand wearing the ribbon device. "It's a weapon called a `ribbon' or `hand' device, and only people with symbiotes can use them. Would you like to see it?"
"What were you planning on demonstrating with?" Sam asked. "It's not exactly an easy weapon to dial down the power on."
"Sam, you sound like you have personal experience," Alyson said in surprise.
Sam cocked her head. "I was briefly host to a Tok'ra named Jolinar. She died within me, leaving behind a few things including memories, a protein marker, and enough Naquadah to use Goa'uld and Tok'ra technology such as the ribbon device."
"Well, there's a tree in the back yard that we're pretty sure is dead, and we've been meaning to get rid of it for a year or so." Mark smiled. "I think that would be a great thing to demonstrate it on. Then you can use the zat to get rid of it."
Selmak took over. "You wish to use deadly alien weapons to do yard work?" he said with some humor.
Mark jumped a little to hear an alien voice coming from his father, but shrugged. "Hey, whatever works. Besides, I'm sure the kids and Alyson will want to see it in action, and that's something we want to get rid of, anyway. You don't have to worry about damaging anything."
"You have a point," Jacob acknowledged, getting to his feet. "Shall we?"
"This is so cool," Brian said as he sprang up. "I can't wait to see this."
***
Jacob had been hoping for an opportunity to talk with Mark privately, but it never materialized. He, Lee'al, and Sam were surrounded for the rest of the day buffeted with question after question about the Tok'ra and the larger world outside the planet. Brian and Mary were allowed to stay up far past their bedtime, and by the time Mark and Alyson finally dragged the two protesting children off to bed, it was late enough that they said their good-nights at the same time. Sam, too, turned in, leaving Jacob alone with his mate for the first time since she had told Mark the truth.
Jacob slowly went through the motions of getting ready for bed, debating with Selmak how to handle the situation. Lee'al, too, got ready for bed, and if she talked it was only with Nelaris. Once she had changed, and performed her ablutions, she got in bed and sat, waiting for him, legs drawn up and chin resting on her knees. Jacob sat down heavily on the edge of the bed, clasped his hands, and looked at her.
And watched her.
And watched her some more.
She began to fidget. Jacob just sat there, quietly. It was a tactic he'd learned as an Air Force commander, one of the few interpersonal interaction tactics he knew that Selmak couldn't do better. It was only useful when the subject knew they'd done something wrong, and felt guilty, and considered him to be someone important. Particularly if the subject was young. He'd never been able to successfully use it on his kids--he was too emotionally involved with them--but on others....
"I knew you wouldn't agree to it, Jacob, but it was the only thing I could think of at this point that had even the possibility of reconciling the two of you," Lee'al said in a rush. "Besides, you said it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission, and it did work. Mark's much more accepting of me than he was this morning--we had a wonderful chat while you were gone--and he was positively friendly with you. It worked, and I'm not sorry I did it. I am very sorry that I did it without telling you, and without your permission. Really. But you can't honestly say that him wanting to know was an unreasonable request." She paused, studying him anxiously.
Jacob suppressed a smile. Worked every time. "The only thing you could think of. On your knowledge of Mark that is only a few days old, and a couple hours a day at most, right? Did it ever occur to you that Alyson, Sam, and I know Mark much better than you, and might have other ideas on how to handle it?"
"Well, if you did, they weren't working," Lee'al pointed out. "We're going to be leaving in just a few days. We didn't have time to wait and see."
She's very young, Jacob thought at Selmak. Lee'al was far more mature for her age than the majority of Tau'ri would be at her age, due to a combination of Nelaris' influence and the life-and-death situations she'd been in since joining the Tok'ra, in addition to her own natural maturity. But her youth still showed itself, occasionally, and never more so than in this age-old cry of youth: I can't wait.
##Yes.## Selmak acknowledged it seriously, then whispered, ##but so are you.## It was sent with a fondness that took any possible sting from the words.
"Lee'al, just because this visit goes badly doesn't mean that any other visit will." Jacob shook his head. "Neither Mark nor I are in any imminent danger of dying. Neither of us wants to break our relationship to pieces again, and we're both mature enough to deal with the situation. Given time enough to really cool down--on both sides--and without your presence to enflame things, the next visit would almost certainly have gone smoother, and the same for the visit after that. Who knows, in a few years I might even have been able to bring you along. It wouldn't be ideal, but it wouldn't be the end of the world, either. Ever think of that?" Selmak really had smoothed over the rough edges. Five years ago, he wouldn't have been able to hold this conversation without losing his temper, which wouldn't have solved anything and likely made things worse.
He shook his head. "Hell, even if you're right and telling him was the only way, we could have called Jack and gotten him to ask the President to give Mark security clearance on this subject, and been able to tell him legitimately. And I'd have been able to tell him myself, then."
"Really?" Lee'al frowned. "So why haven't you done that before now?"
Jacob shrugged. "I don't know if it would have worked. And it wasn't necessary before this visit, and I didn't know how Mark would have reacted. And this trip I was so busy dealing with Mark, it didn't even occur to me. But if you had discussed this with me ahead of time, there's a very good chance I would have agreed. And then you wouldn't have had to go behind my back."
"Oh," Lee'al said. "But I know how important Mark is to you, Jacob." She took his hand. "I love you, and it's my fault the relationship between you and your son needs to be mended in the first place. I didn't think you'd agree. I wanted to fix it for you, and this is the only way I knew how." She looked up at him, mouth set. "And I was right, it did solve the situation."
"I love you too, kid," Jacob said. "And I believe you. But personal relationships can only be based on trust, and you damaged that trust when you and Nelaris decided to go behind my back today. It hurt me, and Selmak too. The fact that things ultimately turned out for the best doesn't change how you did it. And on something this major, how you did it isn't something that's going to be ignored or easily forgotten."
"But it won't damage our relationship," Lee'al said anxiously.
"I don't know," Jacob said. "I hope it doesn't. But it does affect things, and I won't lie to you. Hopefully, we both learn from this, and go on from here with a better understanding of each other."
Selmak took control. After all, Jacob and Lee'al weren't the only ones involved. "Nelaris, why did you allow Lee'al to do this?"
"Much as I love you and Jacob, Selmak, my first loyalty is and always must be to my host." Nelaris shrugged. "I expressed my displeasure at her methods, but she was adamant. Fixing the problem that she had created was very important to her, and I could offer her no better alternative. I could not have stopped her without damaging our relationship."
Selmak nodded. "I see," he said. "But Lee'al, you cannot believe that you were to blame. Given the precarious nature of Mark and Jacob's relationship, such problems are all too frequent. And both Jacob and I knew that, and Jacob in particular knew how Mark was likely to react to your youth. Yet we still arranged for you to come along on this visit to Mark's home. If anyone can be blamed for the situation, it would be myself or Jacob or Mark. But I do not believe that it is fair, in this case, and even if it were it is hardly likely to help anything. Jacob and I do appreciate your concern, Lee'al." He stroked her hair with his free hand. "Just not your method of showing it."
Lee'al nodded, leaning in to hug him. They held each other for a very long time.
***
Later that night, as Jacob slept, Selmak crept out of the bedroom and down to the living room. He needed less sleep than his host did, and they often took advantage of the fact that they could sleep at different times. On a mission, particularly, it was an advantage; they never needed to let their guard down, for one of them could always be alert. Besides, it allowed Selmak extra time in control of their body. Jacob was a very independent man, and while Selmak (unlike many Tok'ra) had no problems with simply allowing his host to "run the show," it was nice to come out sometimes. Besides, some of these Tau'ri novels were quite engrossing. Mark had been, in his earlier years, what Jacob called "a regular Trekkie," and while the young man's ardor for science fiction had cooled somewhat, he still maintained quite the collection. Studying the Tau'ri's speculations about the larger universe was bizarre, amusing, edifying, and at times infuriating; it was never dull.
The hall light clicked on. Mark wandered around the corner, tying his bathrobe on and yawning. "Dad?" he said, squinting in the light. "What are you doing up?"
"Your father is asleep at the moment," Selmak said. "Would you like me to wake him for you?" Mark started a bit at his voice. Why did humans in general, and the Tau'ri in particular, so often do that? He made no secret of his existence; they knew quite well he was there. Yet they always were surprised when he talked!
"No, that's okay," Mark said. "Will he know about this when he wakes up?"
"Yes. He will be able to, as he says, `check the logs.'"
"Oh." Mark paused, frowning. "What are you doing up at this hour?"
"Reading." Selmak held up the book.
Mark glanced at the title. "Oh, that's not one I'd recommend for your first foray into SF. Cherryh's writing style can be a bit obscure; she's hard to get into the first time even for people who are familiar with the genre. Have you tried Heinlein?"
"No. I just finished a book by Clarke, though." Selmak pointed to it on the table; he'd been working on it the entire visit. "But I do not believe you came out to speak about science fiction at three in the morning. I am sorry for disturbing you, if that was the case; I require far less sleep than my host."
"No, you're fine." Mark hesitated. "There's so much I want to ask you, but I'm not quite sure where to begin."
Selmak cocked his head. "Then perhaps I should begin by thanking you for accepting your father back into your life. It means far more to him than he is capable of expressing."
"Yeah." Mark chewed his lip. "That's what Lee'al said, too. You wanna explain to me why it is that my Dad can tell that to a couple of aliens, but not his own son?"
"It is not that simple." Selmak shook his head. "You know your father. He has great difficulty expressing emotions other than anger or humor. The need to be "strong" in this way is intimately tied up with his sense of self. I believe it is a common condition among men of his age and profession, from what he has told me of your people. He learned it while he was still young, and learned it well. Now that he is older and sees that such a philosophy is not only impossible, but terribly limiting, he cannot discard it entirely. But that does not mean that other emotions are not there, simply that he has not yet found a way to express them."
Selmak rose and clasped his hands behind his back, pacing in the way that drove Jacob nuts when he was awake. "In fact, when we were first blended, this caused great problems between us. You see, the need to see himself the way he always had been--especially under such changed circumstances, caused him to deny many of his feelings, those that triggered would not be acceptable to the "macho" persona he has had all his life. The problem with this tactic is that it simply leaves issues suppressed, rather than dealt with, and this can have undesired side effects later on. Especially when one has no effective means of releasing emotional stress except through sarcasm, physical exertion, and anger. I wished to deal with these issues; Jacob denied that they even existed. But while he can lie to himself, and to the whole world, he cannot lie to me.
"Eventually, we did reach an accommodation, and Jacob is learning how to more constructively express himself. But such things take time, and even if he could, Jacob would not wish to overturn his entire personality, merely make it less ... closed. He has come far, and will yet make more progress in the years ahead, but I do not believe he will ever be what you would call open with his emotions." Selmak sat back down again. "I know his emotions because I cannot help but know them; he is my host. Lee'al knows them because she is his mate, and in the code of behavior that Jacob has followed all his life it is more acceptable to show such "weaknesses" in front of one's mate, and other females, than to males such as yourself, even family. That does not mean that he has told Lee'al how he feels, but that he lets his guard down around her and allows her to see it. Also, the ... turbulence of your relationship with him is not the sort that encourages heart-to-heart confessions."
"So what you're saying is that our relationship will probably never be close enough for Dad to tell me how he feels, himself?" Mark wiped a hand over his face. "Great."
"Perhaps." Selmak leaned forward earnestly. "But if he cannot tell you, he can show you, if you will allow him. Please, accept him for who he is, with all his limitations. You cannot force him to be someone he is not. But you can, if you choose, allow him to show you the best of who he is, and not the worst."
Mark nodded resignedly. "Right." He yawned.
"Go to bed." Selmak smiled. "Tomorrow will be a long day. You still have much to discuss, as a family, and much to do to rebuild your relationships. Jacob wishes to speak privately with you, and I have no doubt that you and Alyson and the children will be full of questions."
Mark glanced at the clock. "Yeah. Good night."
***
Jacob woke the next morning to the unsettling (but familiar) feeling of movement. His own. If Selmak was awake while he slept, the symbiote simply blocked his host's senses, so that no sounds or movement would wake him. However, waking up to complete lack of sensation like that had given him a minor panic attack a couple of times--it was a fairly common reaction among the Tok'ra hosts. So Selmak kept aware of him as he slept, and gradually withdrew his blanketing of Jacob's senses as he awoke. It was much better than complete nothingness, of course, but waking to find yourself holding a conversation with someone was an experience only a Tok'ra could truly understand.
##Good morning, sleepyhead,## Selmak said. He was playing catch with Brian, Mary, and Sam. The ball hit his glove with a familiar thwack. Selmak caught it perfectly and sent it flying to the next person with a true aim, though he had never before been in control for a game of catch; in some weird complexity of the host-symbiote bond, physical skills actually transmitted between host and symbiote more easily than thoughts or knowledge. ##Mark and I had an interesting conversation last night. You should review it. I can handle this.##
Right, Jacob replied. He turned his attention from the game and called up last night's logs. Selmak gave a mental snort at the Tau'ri military terminology Jacob insisted on using, but said nothing.
***
"Good morning, Lee'al," Mark said. Lee'al pulled the bathrobe Alyson had lent her tighter around her and turned to face him. He stood in the doorway between the kitchen and living room in his pajamas, unshaven, bathrobe hanging open. He hid a yawn behind one hand. "Or am I speaking with Nelaris?"
"No, it's me," Lee'al said. "Good morning. How did you sleep?"
"Good," Mark said, going back into the kitchen to pour himself a mug of coffee from the pot Sam had started. "Want some?" he called.
"No, thank you," Lee'al replied. She returned to her previous position, curled up sideways in the "recliner" that sat perpendicular to the "sofa." Turned sideways as she was, she could watch her mate play with the children. They had not spoken much, this morning, besides a few pleasantries; she was still on edge from their conversation last night, and her mate had more than enough to deal with in his family. There would be time to sort out the consequences of her actions later, after they'd gone home.
"I had an interesting talk with Selmak, last night."
"Yes, I heard."
"Really?" Mark said as he padded back out into the living room and took a seat on the couch. He watched the game through the sliding glass door to the back yard. "It's good to see Dad playing with the kids. How long have they been up?"
"Oh, that's Selmak," Lee'al said. "Jacob isn't awake yet."
Mark sent her a sideways glance. "Ah."
Nelaris took over. "So, now that you've had a night to think things over, how are you taking the news that your father is, to quote Brian, `a real-life bug-eyed alien spy, just like on Star Trek, with a phaser and everything'?" It had taken them some time to convince the boy that no matter how `cool' or `sweet' it was, he could not tell his friends (or anyone else) about his grandfather's new life.
Mark smiled, taking a swig of his coffee. "Well, he's certainly not bug-eyed. As to the rest, well, ask me in a few years. It might take me that long to get used to it. Still, if he can't be around much, I suppose I can forgive him for being busy if he's in the process of trying to save the galaxy. I don't know if I like it better than when I thought he was just off ignoring us--at least then I didn't have to worry he'd get himself killed or tortured, or worse." He broke off as the patio door slid open.
"Good morning," Jacob said with a yawn. The game behind him continued.
"I'll get your coffee," Mark said, rising.
"No thanks," Jacob said with a half smile. "Being blended requires compromises. One of mine was giving up coffee. Selmak ... doesn't like it."
"You gave up coffee?" Mark said, eyes wide. "You gave up coffee?"
"Yeah." Jacob nodded. "Before you ask, I think I got the best of the deal. In exchange, Selmak gave up this noxious stuff called shagerim. It's a delicacy from the home planet of one of his earlier hosts, which is quite popular among the Tok'ra."
"I like it," Lee'al said mildly. One of the things she found amusing about Jacob was that while he was willing to try just about any alcohol he was presented with, and had gotten used to dealing with a wide variety of cultures on their own terms, he was a positively finicky eater. The contrast was sometimes very funny.
"Yeah. And you also like haggis." Jacob turned back to Mark. "I don't know what shagerim is made of, and you don't wanna know what it tastes like. But it's available on a semi-regular basis, while coffee is only available when I visit Earth or the Alpha Site, which isn't often. So I come out ahead on the deal, I think. Besides, I got coffee whenever I visited you, because we didn't want to have to explain why I don't drink it all of a sudden."
Mark snickered. "Yeah, considering that you used to practically live on the stuff, that would have been a bit hard to explain."
"A bit." Jacob paused, studying his son. Lee'al tensed. The two hadn't really had a chance to talk yet; this was the conversation that would show whether or not her plan had worked.
"Mark, you want to play a game of pool?" It took Lee'al a few seconds to realize that Jacob was referring to the game that involved the large, heavy table in the family room. She had never seen it in use, yet.
"Of course, Dad."
As the two left the room, Lee'al rose to follow. Jacob turned back to her and tossed her the "baseball glove" he'd been wearing. "I'm sure Sam and the kids would love to show you how to play catch." It was not a subtle hint.
##He's right, you know,## Nelaris pointed out. ##This is between father and son. You'd only be in the way and prevent them from speaking their minds. Better to leave them in peace. We don't need to know exactly what they say to each other, and whichever way this goes we've done all we can to smooth things out. It's up to the two of them, now.## "Have fun," she called to the two of them, before turning to join the others out in the back yard.
Lee'al sighed in disappointment, but said nothing as her symbiote fitted the glove on her hand.
***
"So, you wanted to talk privately," Mark said as he folded up the pool table's cover.
Jacob grabbed the rack and started pulling balls out of the pockets. "Yeah. Mostly, I wanted to apologize for not being the one to tell you myself, and see how you're taking it--it's a pretty big deal." He glanced sideways at his son, before bringing his eyes back to his task.
Mark, too, was playing it cool, chalking up the cue slowly and deliberately. "I think I'm still in shock," he replied carefully not looking at his father. "But I'm handling it. It would have been nice if you'd been the one to tell me, and frankly I'm a bit hurt that you didn't think you could trust me, but I can live with the way things turned out. At least I know, now. You want to break?"
"No, go ahead." Jacob selected his own cue with care. The game was one of the few activities they all loved, and he'd spent hours with both his children when they were young, teaching them how to play. After Mary, his wife, had died, pool was one of the few things that they'd been able to do as a family. Mark's anger, Sam's bookishness, Jacob's workaholicism, all had been put on hold during games, if only for a short while. It hadn't been enough to hold them together, but at least it had been something. Sam had long been able to play the pants off of both Jacob and Mark, but the two men were evenly matched. It was neutral territory, the one place they could meet as equals. Eventually, of course, even pool hadn't been able to bring them together. It was one sign of the depth of the chasm between them, that they hadn't even been able to play pool. Doing so again was almost like coming home, after an absence of decades. "Lee'al shouldn't have told you without asking me first. She might have been able to convince me she was right. I'd have insisted on getting permission from the president first, but I'd have been able to tell you myself. I'd have liked that."
"So why didn't she ask you?" Mark asked as he lined up carefully for the break.
"She blamed herself for our fighting, and she was convinced that telling you was the only thing that would stop it. Nelaris couldn't persuade her otherwise, and went along with it because her first loyalty is to her host, not her mate."
Mark knocked one ball into a pocket. Solid. He missed on the next shot, and stepped back to give Jacob room. "I see."
"It's a big relief to be able to tell you, though," Jacob said as he studied the angles. That was the thing about pool; you always had the game to study. You didn't have to look into your opponent's eyes. You could say things, that way, that you never could bring yourself to say otherwise. You could be vulnerable, if you had to be. "I've seen a hell of a lot of things over the last few years that I wanted to share with you guys. Now, I can."
Selmak sent a brief, cartoon-like image of the two of them dancing around the issue, carefully not looking at the other.
Jacob snorted and took the shot. Perfect. Not only did he sink the ball, but the cue ball went just where he wanted to. He smiled, and walked around the table to take his next shot.
"So, Dad," Mark said, leaning on his pool cue as Jacob lined up his next shot. He paused, choosing his moment with malice aforethought. "When do I get a kid brother?"
Jacob jerked in surprise at Mark's words just as the cue hit the cue ball. It went wild, missing the ball he'd been aiming for completely. He glowered at his son. "What?" Obviously, he needed more practice. He usually didn't fall for those kinds of stratagems.
##Of course, you're usually not this tense,## Selmak observed.
Jacob acknowledged the point, and began plotting revenge.
"Or sister," Mark added with a small, tight smile. "Though I already have one of those. I mean, you have a `mate,' and presumably you'll be together a while. Are you planning on kids? Tying the knot officially? Picking out china patterns?"
Jacob sighed. "I'm a spy and a resistance fighter, Mark," he said. "The Tok'ra have no home planet, and we've moved our home base fourteen times in the last six years. Five of those times, it was because we were under assault from bombers and ground troops; twice, we were bombarded from orbit. The death toll is extremely high. It's not the kind of a world you can raise kids, y'know?"
Mark stared at him, jaw clenching and unclenching. Abruptly, he turned and bent over the table. "I wasn't aware things were that bad, for the Tok'ra." He took a shot. Perfect--one bank, and into the side pocket. He studied the table.
"We don't like to advertise it," Jacob said.
##If you want to startle him the way he startled you, find some way of turning the conversation to Nelaris' last host,## Selmak suggested.
Thanks. "I know you're bothered by Lee'al's youth, Mark, and I think I should come out and just address it."
Mark glanced up, before going back to studying the table. "You don't have to justify yourself to me, Dad."
"Maybe not, but I want to explain. It sometimes bothers me, too, but Selmak and Nelaris love each other so very much. Nice shooting, by the way," he said as Mark sank a second ball in a row. Obviously, having a pool table in his own house to practice with was doing wonders for Mark's game. Jacob had looked askance at the expense of owning a pool table the first time he saw it, but it evidently paid off.
"Thanks."
"My emotions and Selmak's get so tangled up, and both Nelaris and Lee'al are wonderful people. It didn't take much to get us together again. I always felt bad about coming between Selmak and Nelaris before Lee'al became her host. The two symbiotes had been mates for centuries, before I was blended."
"Why'd you come between them?" Mark slid the cue through his fingers, preparing his shot.
"Well, by all accounts Jerim, Nelaris' last host, was a wonderful person." Jacob paused, gauging the moment. "But he just wasn't my type." Success! Mark started so much he missed the cue ball entirely and hit the six ball. Jacob and Selmak exchanged the mental equivalent of a high-five.
"He?" Mark turned and stared at him incredulously.
"Did I forget to mention that symbiotes are asexual, and completely genderless?" Jacob asked with an innocent look. "I'm Selmak's first male host in several centuries. And Lee'al is Nelaris' first female host in almost as long."
Mark started snickering. "Oh, to have been a fly on the wall when you met Jerim!"
Jacob shrugged, forcing down his embarrassment with Selmak's help. If this was what it took to get Mark to be easy around him, this was what he'd do. Besides, it paid Mark back for his dirty trick earlier. "Y'know, that's just about how Sam reacted. Can't think why." He gave a half-smile and a shrug, and picked up his cue.
"Actually, we only met once or twice. My response to the idea of having a male lover was, well, you know me, I'm sure you can imagine it. And Jerim came from a culture with similar mores, so we pretty much ignored each other. And then he died, and Nelaris and Lee'al blended, and the rest is history." His shot missed. It was easy enough he should have made it. "And obviously, I need more practice. You up for another game after this one?"
"Sure." Mark sank his only remaining ball and the eight ball in quick succession. "Nelaris and I talked about a lot of things, yesterday, while waiting for you guys to come back. Including the fact that you went out shopping the other day while Alyson and I were at work and the kids were at school." He began taking balls out of the pockets and rolling them down to the other end of the table, while Jacob began racking them up.
"We did," Jacob said, eyeing Mark suspiciously.
"She said that some of the more ... unique clothing and costume shops had some great stuff that you could use as costumes for infiltrating the Goa'uld. I suppose, if you're abandoning several bases a year, you can't exactly take extensive wardrobes with you, and it sounds like you need them."
"Yeah," Jacob said, suspicious. "What's your point?"
"Could we get a fashion show today?" Mark cocked his head and folded his arms, defensively, as if expecting his father to blow up at the suggestion. "I'm sure the kids would love it."
That reaction stopped Jacob from going with his first impulse, which was an emphatic and immediate no. Most of the clothes he had for missions were, well, not something he would be caught dead in under normal circumstances. He much preferred the Tok'ra fashion sense.
##I think it'd be fun. And besides, it'd make Mark happy,## Selmak said.
Jacob leaned on his cue and pondered the question. Yeah, he'd be embarrassed. But it would only be for a little while, and Brian and Mary would like it. So would Mark and Alyson and Sam. And Selmak complained regularly that the problem with having a male host was that he didn't like either shopping or dressing up. "Sure," he said, and picked up his cue to break.
***
The fashion show was embarrassing, to say the least. Some of it wasn't the kind of stuff he'd want his kids to see him in, though they liked it. But he survived, and treasured the laughter and the togetherness. And later that evening, as he was trying to explain the stand-up comic on television to Lee'al, with his whole family gathered around him, Jacob felt the kind of peace and contentedness he hadn't had in years. The family home he'd had with Mary was long gone, shattered by the years of family fights and silence that had followed her death. But they were trying to create a new one, he and Mark and Sam and Lee'al and Alyson and the grandkids. And if there were speed bumps and things along the way--and there were; he and Mark had had several minor clashes that day--they'd still get there eventually.
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Beatrice Otter
Heliopolis Main Archive
A Stargate: SG-1 Fanfiction Site
Almost Home
by Beatrice OtterSite Navigation
Support Heliopolis