Coming Back to Life
Coming Back to Life
by Ted Sadler
Title: Coming Back to Life
Author: Ted Sadler
Email: ted.sadler@ntlworld.com
Category: Romance
Episode related: 405 Divide and Conquer
Season: Season 6
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: PG
Warnings: adult themes
Summary: Dawn really does follow the darkest hour. Honestly.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Coming Back to Life
Burnout
"Enter!" said General Hammond as Major Samantha Carter knocked on his open door. She saluted and accepted his invitation to sit down, but only after closing the door behind her. "What can I do for you, Major?"
Sam hesitated and took a deep breath. "Sir, I'd like to talk to you off the record, so to speak." She was clearly embarrassed and more than a little reluctant. Hammond reached under his desk and flicked a switch that turned off the security camera and microphones.
"Continue, Major, this is just between the two of us." He suspected what was coming. Hardly anyone in the SGC was unaware of the electricity in the atmosphere every time they saw the Major and Colonel O'Neill together in off-duty moments. But in the event, he was surprised at what transpired.
"Sir," she said after a brief moment, "I am seriously concerned about Colonel O'Neill's state of mental health and fitness to command at present." She looked down nervously. She had an overwhelming feeling that she was being disloyal, betraying the man who meant more than anything else to her. The General leaned back in his chair, a gentle sigh coming from him. His voice was soft and suddenly his manner was no longer that of the SGC Commandant, but almost that of a caring father.
"Sam," he replied, "I think I know what you are about to say, and I want you to tell me your thoughts and worries in every detail. It may not seem like it now, but your views and opinions are going to help him more than he'll ever know. And if it helps to put your mind at rest, I have known that you and he have had a very special relationship for the last few years. Nothing you say or anything that happens from here on will reflect in any way on your record."
Still confused, Sam hesitated and thought hard about how to describe what she had seen and worried about. "Sir, as you know, over the past few weeks Colonel O'Neill has lead a series of engagements with the enemy that has resulted in some of the bloodiest hand-to-hand battles that I or anyone in the SGC have experienced. The fact that we have achieved such good tactical advantage with relatively few casualties has largely been due to his planning skills and command decisions in the field, not to mention the way our troops follow his orders without question. They really look up to him."
She was silent for a few moments and then looked Hammond straight in the eyes. In a small voice, she said "But I have seen him in the moments between the briefings, or during a lull in battle. He's quiet, and pensive, and quite frequently his hands start to shake uncontrollably. Yet as soon as he's aware of someone approaching, he snaps out of it and jumps straight back into being `the Colonel', so that you'd never have thought he is anything but rock-solid. And when one of our men is hit, he's right there to reassure them that they're going to be OK, that someone will get them home, and they just love him for it. But I've seen him crying for them when he thinks no-one's looking." Her face wrinkled as though she was about to cry herself, and she choked "It's tearing me up to see him like this. I don't know what to do for the best."
"In my experience, many people go through similar emotions in battle," replied the General, "and they get through it. Are you sure there's nothing you want to add? I did say that anything you mention here won't reflect on your record, and I really mean that. I think you'll find that nothing will be a surprise to me, Major."
This was territory that Sam realised she might have to enter, but had hoped would not be necessary. But she was doing it for him, and because it was the right thing. "Sir, he hasn't had a good night's sleep since returning from his torture by the Goa'uld. He frequently wakes up sweating and he can't sleep again for the rest of the night. When he's on downtime, on bad nights he screams and shouts for Daniel to take him away from it all. He won't talk about it, at least not to me. And yet, next day when he delivers the morning briefings for units going into the field, or leads them through the Stargate, I've never seen him so alive or in control."
The General rested his elbows on the desk and held his fingers together in front of his face for a while. The fact that his Major was so well aware of her CO's night-time behaviour should have been a concern to him, but wasn't. "Sam, I appreciate what it's taken for you to come here and say this. It corroborates what Dr. Frasier has suspected for a while. Colonel O'Neill was stood down from active duty this morning, for his own good as well as the men. He's just burned out after so many years of repeated stress and injury. Normally I would not speak about a senior officer in this way, but it directly affects your next assignment."
Sam looked up in surprise. "Sir?"
"It may come as a disappointment to you, Major," continued the General, "but you will not be assuming command of SG-1 immediately. With Colonel O'Neill's stand-down, SG-1 will be temporarily deactivated. The nature of the war is changing and has entered a phase where much more emphasis is being placed on combat skills and increasing our firepower than on reconnaissance, scientific investigation and diplomacy. That's why you're seeing so many more Marine, Army and Special Forces units being deployed."
"Jonas Quinn was never a soldier and it is not expected that he should be sent out to fight during this intensive phase of the battle. We need his analytical skills here. Teal'c will be detached to start a rebellion on his home-world. Your scientific knowledge and abilities are much now too valuable a resource to risk in a front-line combat unit: you will however participate with other SG units on selected missions whenever it is necessary. You're a fine officer, Major, and your combat skills and professional conduct are everything that the Air Force could want. I hope that you'll come to see that this is the right course of action for us and for you. If we reach a point in the war where the past role of SG-1 can be re-started, you'll be given first option to command the unit."
"Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!" replied Sam. She was enough of a realist to see that it made sense, but the confusion of other emotions was something she couldn't get to grips with right away.
"And while we're off the record, Sam," said Hammond, "whether Jack O'Neill knows it or not, he's going to need all the care and attention that only you can give him over the next few weeks. If the two of you want to make a life together in future, just help him get through his tendency to blame everything on himself. After that, I think you'll be rewarded. I've known him longer than you. He'll resign some time during the next few days once he realises that he can't go back on combat duties."
Sam didn't sleep herself that night.
Climbing Back
And Jack did resign, a week later. As expected, at first he'd kept himself to himself, showing little response to anyone's approaches. He didn't however get to the levels of black despair that had overcome him after his son had died, because Sam was there to talk to, or just be with, whenever she could spare the time. Unlike his ex-wife Sara, Sam knew exactly what life in a combat zone was like - hours of boredom, then gut-wrenching tension as a battle approached, and moments of pure terror followed by an incredible adrenaline rush, then an aching emptiness. It was a high that some people became addicted to, and it wrecked their normal lives for ever. She found that she could not only listen to his inner thoughts and worries when he opened up, but she could also tell him about her own incredible fear at times, mixed with the pride of taking an objective, or just making it out of a bad situation with her comrades alive and intact. There was no-one else she wanted to tell.
As the days passed, the realisation that they could be seen openly together without feeling guilty gradually took over, and the people they knew started to regard them as a couple rather than merely colleagues having an affair. The nights they spent together changed subtly from passionate release of their emotions, to an unbelievably deep appreciation that just being together was what they wanted for the rest of their lives. But the war was still going on, and although Jack wasn't a part of it any more, Sam was. They still had their own houses, even if they did spend their time equally between them when they could be together. Jack was concerned for her when she was on away missions, but not obsessively: he knew it would destroy him and their relationship if he worried about events outside his control. He saw how her career still meant a lot to her.
Sam herself was extraordinarily content with her lot. Now that the unspoken tension of her private life of the last few years had gone away, she found the ability to concentrate more on the implications of her research, rather than just the fact-finding. Her progress was more rapid than ever on adapting alien materials and machines to their needs in the war. Frequently she found herself asking how Jack would view the usefulness of something new, once she had understood the `how' of its existence. Life fell into a pattern, and would have stayed like that, had it not been for one chance event.
They were sitting in a local bar one evening, enjoying drinks and chatting to off-duty SGC colleagues. The place was crowded with many of the newer soldiers and the atmosphere was noisy and lively. A few tables away, an Army Lieutenant with a particularly penetrating voice seemed to have an opinion on anything and everything. Between tracks playing on the juke-box, they heard him say "Yeah, that Carter's a class act. There's no way she's gonna spend time looking after an old wreck like him for too long. She needs a younger guy to get her nose outta that lab of hers...."
In past times, it would have been Jack sprinting across the intervening space to teach the loudmouth the finer points of etiquette. In the event it was Sam, who took only three seconds to grab him across the table by his coat lapels, and deliver a Tyson-sized right hook to his face. The Lieutenant fell back in shock, blood spurting profusely from his split lip. Jack grabbed her from behind before she could leap over the table and follow up. "Let it go, Sam!" he said loudly, pulling her away. He dragged her back to their table. To her amazement, he was laughing, for the first time in a long time. She started to smile, until she heard the soldier saying something about "striking a subordinate" as his pals pulled him off the floor. The fact that this incident could have serious consequences suddenly occurred to her.
An Army Major soon appeared at their table. "Major, you and the Colonel have more than a few friends around here. I'm sorry you had to witness that man getting into a fight with his colleagues." He winked at them and left. Sam suddenly realised that her hand hurt like hell, as Jack pressed ice cubes onto it.
Daylight
Next day, Dr. Janet Frasier was examining the blue and yellow colours on Sam's fist. "Nothing broken, but you'll not be able to do anything like firing a weapon for the next few days." She paused. "So? Is Jack going to be attending the local hospital this morning with a matching eye colour?"
Sam laughed. She still felt oddly pleased about what she'd done last night. "No, Janet. Let's just say that I was defending his honour, but officially, I caught my hand in the door."
"How did he feel about it?" asked Janet, expecting that Jack would resent the role reversal.
"That was the real surprise." replied Sam. "He thought it was really funny. I haven't seen him like that in months. And when we got home, he was, well, everything I've ever hoped for, looking after me and talking me out of any doubts I had about what I'd done."
"And?" asked Janet, leaning forward expectantly.
"Let's just say that it was the best night of my... our lives." said Sam.
"And?" continued Janet, not moving. Sam knew her line of questioning only too well. Janet was, after all, responsible for starting most of the sweepstake tickets that circulated around the SGC whenever anything significant or not-so-significant was expected. Half the dates on the tickets in her current campaign had passed already.
"No, we haven't talked about getting married yet. I'm not going to push him, after everything he's been through."
"What, nothing?" Janet asked, the disappointment flashing across her face.
"No. We're happy though. He did surprise me with one thing, before I left this morning. He asked me to come with him at the weekend to help him choose a dog. I'm not sure why, I don't know much about them. Maybe I should invite Jonas and Teal'c to come and add their opinions." said Sam, getting up to leave. She looked up suddenly, startled at Janet's reaction.
"Yes!" cried Janet, punching the air. "Sam, don't you dare take anyone with you!" Seeing the puzzled look on her friend's face, she continued. "You astrophysicist, you. It's his way of asking the big question!" Sam left for her lab, thinking that her best friend's gambling empire was beginning to interfere with her judgement.
Sam had never been to a dog pound before. She had seen no signs of this being Jack's `big question', as she trailed round after him, trying to second-guess what kind of dog he'd be interested in. She imagined that he'd go for a robust, larger dog that would accompany him on fishing trips. The canine Internet research she'd spent the last few days on in her lab had not prepared her in any way for the soulful eyes in the cages, nor the desperation for companionship that most of the dogs showed. Whatever Jack chose would be alright with her, she decided.
"Jack!" came a startled cry from a blond kennel-girl in blue overalls, who rushed up to him and threw her arms round him. "Gawd, it's good to see you again!" Sam recognised an English accent immediately, and was alarmed to see him swing her round and plant a kiss on her lips before putting her down again. Instant jealousy was not what she'd expected to feel.
"Mandy!" he replied. "You look great!" He turned round and introduced a somewhat taken-aback Sam to her.
"Hello, love!" said Mandy. "Has Jack come to help you find a dog as well? He's been one of our regulars here, finding homes for loads of my friends, haven't you, Jack? How's Cassie's dog getting on?"
"Just great.." replied Jack. "But this time, Sam's here to help me find a dog. I've retired now." Mandy told him to take a look in the cages at the far end. She stood alongside Sam, watching him bend down at one particular cage.
"What a luverly little bum!" said Mandy, without taking her eyes off Jack. Sam couldn't help laughing. "You're a lucky lady, Sam. If ever you get fed up with him, can I have him?"
Sam still didn't understand how helping him chose a dog was something more meaningful to other people than to herself. But it only took two weeks to understand why.
"Janet," said Sam, back at the SGC, "he chose a scrawny little mongrel whippet that was due to be put down the next day. I'd had him down for a hunting dog at the very least, and a pedigree one at that. After that I found that I wasn't coming home to Jack, but to `Jack and Roo'. She's taken over his house! I even felt jealous when I found him dozing on the couch with the dog asleep in his arms."
"So, you're feeling out of it, eh?" asked Janet, smiling.
"I was, until I fell asleep myself and woke up staring into even bigger brown eyes than Jack's." said Sam. "She sleeps on me as well as him, you know. It was then I realised that Jack had most of the things in life he's ever wanted, and if I was happy with them then we'd know what to do next."
"And?" Janet ventured.
"Wait and see." replied Sam, walking out of Janet's office.
Later, as Janet walked down the SGC corridors, she saw a piece of paper taped to the door of Sam's lab. `May 25', was all it said. Delighted, she rushed off to tell General Hammond that he'd won the sweepstake for the `mongrel' ticket, and to give Lieutenant Simmons the bittersweet news that he'd won on the wedding date.
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