Who Shot Major Davis?
Who Shot Major Davis?
by Ruth
Summary: Who shot Major Davis? Response to challenge 1,895.
Category: Challenge, Drama, Humor, Mystery
Crossover: other (not listed), The X-Files
Season: any Season
Pairing: Daniel/other, Jack/Sam, Teal'c/Janet, Janet/other, other pairing
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: sexual situations, violence
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 10/05/03
Title: Who Shot Major Davis?
Rating: PG-13 (Violence, sexual situations)
Summary: Who shot Major Davis?
Spoilers: The Simpsons' Episodes 'Who shot Mr Burns' and 'The Springfield Files.'
Author Notes: Response to Heliopolis challenge 1,895. Humour, Parody, X-over, Daniel/Other, Janet/Teal'c
Dedication: To all those who regularly send me reviews - I'm very grateful. This is for you guys!
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
~ Who Shot Major Davis? ~
By Ruth
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth
THE NIGHT OF THE CRIME
It was a dark night when Major Paul Davis exited the SGC and made his way towards his parked car. The wind was getting stronger, and the rustling of the trees behind him prevented him from hearing the thudding footsteps that came from behind him. He whistled a little as he pulled his car keys out of his pocket, but before he could put them in the lock a deafening shot rang out around the car park, and Davis fell to the ground with a grunt. His attacker fled the scene. With a final burst of effort, Davis scratched a line under the letter 'C' on his registration plate.
THE NEXT MORNING
Jack was having a good day. He'd got up late but still managed to get to work, there'd been jello and pie for breakfast in the commissary and now he was going to his office for a session on his gameboy. This was exceptionally good for a Thursday. He stepped out of the lift and walked straight into a man who was standing outside of it.
"Sorry," Jack muttered, and was about to walk away when he was stopped by another figure.
"Mr Jack O'Neill?" the woman asked.
"Yeah..." Jack said, looking at the square of white that was being shoved in his face.
"Agents Mulder and Scully - FBI."
"FBI?" Jack asked, shoving his hands in his pockets, "What the hell are you doing here? Has someone died?"
Mulder frowned. "I made no mention of homicide," he said, "Why would you jump to that conclusion?"
"Well, I doubt you'd be here if it was just Graham Simmons writing on the walls again," Jack smirked, and started to walk away, proud of his response.
Whilst Scully was noting down the name in her book, Mulder went after Jack.
"Excuse me, sir, but it's in your best interests to work with us here," He said, catching Jack by the shoulder.
"Then why don't you tell me what the hell is going on?" Jack asked, roughly shaking Mulder's hand off of his shoulder.
"We're investigating an attempted murder of one of your fellow officers," Mulder said.
"What?" Jack asked, suddenly alert, "Who?"
"That doesn't matter for now," Scully said, "Where were you last night?"
Jack frowned. He didn't want to tell her where he'd really been...
"Mr O'Neill?"
"Well, the evening began at the Imperial hotel, where we were discussing beethoven's fifth over a glass of chardonnay and a game of backgammon."
Scully frowned. "Mr O'Neill, it's a felony to lie to the FBI."
Jack grunted in annoyance. "I was sitting in my car eating packets of mustard and listening to Britney Spears, are ya happy?"
Sam stepped out of her lab to see Jack at the far end of the corridor, talking to two people whom she'd never seen before.
She walked down the corridor towards them, and Jack caught her eye and smiled. Mulder and Scully turned around to watch Sam as she made her way towards them. "And who are you?" Mulder asked.
"Major Carter, who are you?" Sam replied, looking in concern at Jack, "Have you been downloading illegal movies again?"
Jack glared at her silently. Scully raised an eyebrow and turned to Sam. "We're investigating a shooting. Could you tell us of your whereabouts last night?"
"I...well...I was...in my lab."
"For the whole evening?" Mulder asked, in shock.
Sam cleared her throat. Jack folded his arms and glared at her.
"Carter, how many times?" he asked in annoyance.
"Sorry, sir," she mumbled. "I just had this really interesting project on the decay rate of naquadah when fused with t..."
"Agh!" Jack said, "Okay, Carter, stop. I lost ya about 3 hours ago."
"Sir," Sam said, looking at the floor.
"Can anybody verify your whereabouts?" Mulder asked, still looking at Jack suspiciously.
"Uh...other than my coffee cup," Sam joked. It fell flat. "No," she answered simply.
"We'll be in touch with you both, Mulder replied, before leaving with Agent Scully.
"Well, that was weird," Jack said, as they disappeared into the elevator.
Daniel was walking along, carrying a huge pile of folders and papers when there was suddenly a large badge shoved in his face, which almost knocked his glasses off.
"Uh...hi," Daniel ventured, his vision clearing, "FBI? Oh, has Jack been downloading illegal movies again?"
Scully looked at Mulder in puzzlement. "No, uh...Dr Jackson? We're investigating a shooting that happened in your parking area. Could we have a few moments of your time?"
"Uh, sure," Daniel said, "What's the problem?"
"Can you tell us where you were last night?" Scully asked, looking at him whilst he spoke.
"I was, uh..." a bright red blush rose to his cheeks, "With a friend."
"Having sex?" Scully asked shortly. Daniel nearly passed out.
"Uh...how is that relevant?" Daniel stammered.
"Well, it depends how long you took - was it an all-night thing, or just a quick one?" Mulder asked, with a perfectly straight face.
"I...I really don't feel that this line of questioning is at all relevant," Daniel stammered, pushing his glasses further back up his nose, "I think I've said enough."
"We'll be in touch," Mulder called back, as Daniel hurried away.
He turned back to Scully and sniggered. "Reckon it was his first time?"
"Mulder!" She said, giving him a punch in the arm.
Teal'c opened his eyes in annoyance when there was a knock on his door, disturbing his kelno'reem.
"Enter," he called.
Mulder walked in and gazed around uncertainly. "Uh...Mr Teal'c?"
"Indeed," Teal'c said, bowing his head, "How may I be of service?"
"Uh...we're investigating a shooting that happened last night. Could you tell us where you were?"
Teal'c frowned. "Surely you should be asking the perpetrator of the crime these questions, not me."
"Yes, but we don't know who the perpetrator is yet," Mulder patiently explained.
"Then you are evidently not doing your job properly," Teal'c replied, stonily.
Mulder folded his arms. "Where were you, Mr Teal'c?"
"I was watching the weather channel in my room, eating bananas."
Scully closed her eyes and pursed her lips. "Thank you Mr Teal'c, we'll be speaking to you again shortly."
"The weather channel? Bananas? These people are mocking us!" Scully said angrily.
"Yeah. Now we've gotta find some more people to interview - this is becoming a tough case."
Janet sat in the infirmary at her computer, with a smile on her face. Last night had been great. Still, she...
"Dr Fraiser?"
Janet turned around on her chair. "Yes?" she asked in confusion.
"We're agents Mulder and Scully, FBI. Could you tell us where you were last night?"
"Last night?" Janet asked, blushing, "Oh, well, I was...with a friend."
Mulder grinned, despite himself. "Dr Jackson?" he asked.
Janet frowned. "No."
Scully raised her eyebrows at Mulder again. (She was doing that a lot.)
"Can we ask who you were with?" Mulder asked.
"No." Janet replied.
"Then how are we supposed to validate where you were?" Scully countered.
Janet shrugged. "It's your case. You're the ones in charge."
"This is the worst assignment we've ever had."
"What about that time we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus?"
"No."
"And how about when we had to speak to that dope Homer Simpson about the UFO sightings?"
"No, this is much more humiliating."
Sergeant Davis was sitting at his computer in the gateroom when Mulder and Scully entered.
"Hello?" he asked, "Who are you?"
"Who are you?" Mulder countered.
"Well, nobody can actually remember my name at the moment, so I guess you can call me Sergeant Davis - but that might not be my real name. I'm still waiting."
"Right," Mulder said, whispering in Scully's ear, "He's gotta be a suspect - the man with no name."
"General Hammond? Where were you last night?" Mulder asked.
"I was babysitting my granddaughters," He replied.
Mulder and Scully nodded. "Can anyone validate this?"
"My son and daughter," Hammond continued, "They were going out for a meal and asked me to look after the girls for the night."
"Thank you, General. We are still interrogating your officers. There are a few who have...caused some concern."
"Colonel Maybourne? Where were you last night?"
"I was..."
Reading Cosmopolitan and watching 'The Brady Bunch.'
"I was out with friends - sure, they can validate that."
"That man was lying," Mulder said flatly.
"Sergeant Siler? Where were you last night?"
"I was at home with my wife," Siler replied, "And yeah, she can validate that for you. What were we doing? How the hell is that any of your business? Ok, ok, no, don't court martial me, we were watching re-runs of Xena-Warrior Princess. No, Agent Mulder, it doesn't turn me on."
"Thank you, Sergeant. You've been very helpful."
THAT EVENING, IN A DODGY MOTEL ROOM
"Well, Scully, I've compiled a list of our suspects."
"Let's see it, then."
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Mustard, Britney Spears - No validation of whereabouts. (Also men. Downloading of illegal movies.)
Major Samantha Carter: Working in lab. No validation of whereabouts.
Dr Daniel Jackson: Getting it from some mystery person. Probably telling the truth, not entirely sure. No validation.
Mr Teal'c: Clearly screwing us around. Dodgy eyebrow thing like Scully's.
Dr Janet Fraiser: Getting it also, though apparently not from Dr Jackson. No validation.
"Hey!" Scully said, giving him a smack on the arm.
"Sorry," Mulder cackled, "Couldn't resist it."
Colonel Maybourne: Lying about whereabouts.
CONCLUSION: Must use lie detector to narrow down list of suspects further. Many personnel enjoy active sex lives.
"They really are a strange bunch," Scully said thoughtfully, "Considering the fact that they're America's first line of defense."
"I know," Mulder replied, "I'm a little scared."
"A little? It was the banana and weather channel guy that did it for me. Creepy."
Mulder shrugged. "I got nothing against the weather channel," he admitted, "But the two of them together..."
THE NEXT MORNING
"Bring in the lie detector."
Mulder brought in the lie detector and put it down on the table in front of Jack.
Scully got him all wired up, and started the detector.
"Mr O'Neill, I am going to ask you a series of yes or no questions, and you must answer truthfully. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
(Lie detector explodes)
"Miss Carter, were you in your lab for the entire evening?"
"Yes."
"Mm-hm. Can anyone validate this for you?"
"No."
"Mm-hm. Have you ever had sexual relations with Major Paul Davis?"
"No!"
"Mm-hm. Can you think of why anyone would want to make an attempt on his life?"
"No."
"Mm-hm. Have you ever had sexual relations with Colonel Jack O'Neill?"
"No."
(Lie detector explodes)
"Dr Jackson, were you with Janet Fraiser on the night of the crime?"
"No."
"Mm-hm. Were you with Samantha Carter on the night of the crime?"
"No."
"Mm-hm. Was it your first time?" Mulder added, with a grin.
"No!"
"Were you with one of the attractive young nurses from the infirmary?"
"No."
"Were you with more than one of the attractive young nurses from the infirmary?"
"No!"
(Lie detector explodes)
"Mr Teal'c, were you really watching the weather channel on the night of the crime?"
"Yes."
"Mm-hm. Were you eating bananas?"
"Yes."
"Mm-hm. Were you with Dr Fraiser on the night of the crime?"
"Indeed I was not."
(Lie detector explodes)
"Dr Fraiser, were you with Mr Teal'c on the night of the crime?"
"No."
"Mm-hm. He claims that you were. Were you with another man?"
"Yes."
"Mm-hm. Does his surname fall within the letters J-Z?"
"Yes."
"Is it Jack O'Neill?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Are you going to tell us?"
"No."
"Was he really ugly and do you regret every minute of it?"
"Yes."
"Colonel Maybourne, were you with friends on the night of the crime?"
"No."
"Were you reading cosmopolitan and watching 'The Brady Bunch' on the night of the crime?"
"No."
(Lie detector explodes, Harry starts crying)
"Incoming wormhole! It's the Tok'ra, sir!"
"Open the iris!"
THE NEXT NIGHT, IN A DODGY MOTEL ROOM
"I'm still unsure of who could have done this," Scully said.
"Well, now we know that Dr Jackson was with some of the nurses in the infirmary, so we can ask them to validate it, and we also know that Janet Fraiser was with Teal'c, so it's just Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter we have left to worry about."
"What about that weird guy...um...Maybourne?"
"Nah," Mulder said, waving his hand dismissively, "He's just a pathetic low-life with a boring job."
Suddenly, the phone rang. Scully answered it.
"Hello? Yes, certainly, we'll be there right away."
"Who was it?" Mulder asked, putting a sunflower seed into his mouth and accidentally spitting the husk onto Scully's keyboard.
"The hospital - Davis has regained consciousness."
THE HOSPITAL
"Hello, Paul," Scully said, sitting beside the bed, "How are you feeling?"
He merely grunted in reply and his eyes flickered shut.
"I know you're in pain," she continued, "But we need you to help us."
Davis opened his eyes and moved his hand a little.
"You want to write something?" Scully asked.
"Either that," Mulder laughed, "Or he's calling you a wan-"
Scully shot him a glare that would have withered a lesser man. He merely bit down on his lip and stuffed his hands into his pockets.
Davis took the pen awkwardly in his hand and wrote messily on the pad of paper that Scully had given him. Once he had finished, he flopped back against the pillow and was unconscious again.
"Mulder," Scully said, her mouth set in a grim line, "We have our shooter."
Mulder took the page out of her hand and raised his eyebrows. "Wow. I never expected that."
M . C A R T E R
"So, how's my little girl doing?" Jacob asked, ruffling Sam's hair. She blushed in embarrassment.
"Dad!" she said, swatting his hand away.
There was a knock at the door of her lab.
"Come in," she called.
Her face paled a little as she saw the two FBI agents enter. Dammit, now she was in serious trouble...
"Uh, hi!" She said awkwardly, edging a little closer to the door, "Uh..this is my dad, it's been nice to meet you..."
With that, she bolted out of the room and ran down the corridor.
"After her!" Mulder shouted, as Scully was already out of the door.
"What the hell is going on?" Jacob asked, panting as he tried to keep up with Mulder and Scully.
"Mr Carter, we have reason to believe that your daughter tried to kill a fellow officer two nights ago."
"WHAT?" Jacob shouted, "That's absurd!"
"Written by the man himself," Scully said, cursing Major Carter for being able to run so fast.
Mulder managed to catch up with Sam after almost five minutes, and tackled her to the ground.
"Let go of me!" she yelled.
"Major Carter, you are under arrest for the attempted murder of Paul Davis. You have the right to remain silent, but if you give up this right anything you do say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak with an attorney..."
THE HOSPITAL
"Major Davis, is this the person who shot you?" Scully asked.
"Carter," Major Davis murmured.
"That's it - take her away," Mulder said.
Jacob watched in horror.
"I DIDN'T SHOOT MAJOR DAVIS!" Sam shouted.
"Who shot Major Davis then?" Scully asked.
"You did shoot Major Davis!" Mulder replied, "He said so himself."
"I DIDN'T SHOOT MAJOR DAVIS!" Sam insisted, and bit Mulder on the arm.
"Ow! Right, you're now under arrest for shooting Major Davis AND biting a federal officer's arm!"
"Whoa, STOP!" Jacob shouted suddenly.
"What?" Scully asked.
"I SHOT MAJOR DAVIS!" Jacob proclaimed loudly.
THE HOSPITAL, 3 SECONDS LATER
"I SHOT MAJOR DAVIS!"
"What?" Sam asked, as Mulder relinquished his grip on her.
"I said that I shot him, honey," Jacob replied.
Jack's mouth fell open.
"Why?" Scully asked.
"He was getting too close to my daughter," Jacob continued, with a glare.
"Nobody will hurt my daughter again!"
"But..." Sam began, but Jacob waved her quiet.
"You're my little girl - I'm protective of you."
"But that doesn't mean you can go around shooting my friends!" Sam replied.
"Yeah," Jack said, "I mean, you haven't shot me yet-"
His voice trailed off at the look Jacob gave him.
"How did Major Davis know?" Scully asked thoughtfully.
"I can help you there," Davis replied, sitting up in bed. "He's been following me for weeks, I knew he was angry about something. I was going out to my car, and I could hear footsteps behind me. I heard him mutter something - he's no good at shooting with his left hand, so he changed the gun over. When he shot me, I scratched a line under the letter C on my numberplate. When I wrote that note, I put M. CARTER on it, I mean - Oh God, you didn't think I meant Sam, did you?"
Mulder laughed nervously as he took the handcuffs off of Sam. "No, no."
"Well, I'm glad that little mystery is over," Scully said, dusting down her coat. "I've seen enough, Mulder, let's go."
"So...Jacob..." Jack said, "Do you mean to say that you will...shoot anybody who tries to get involved with your daughter?"
Jacob's eyes narrowed. "Yes. Why are you-"
"No reason!" Jack stammered, with a small, fake laugh, "No reason at all."
Jacob glared at him. "Good."
THE END
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Ruth
Heliopolis Main Archive
A Stargate: SG-1 Fanfiction Site
Who Shot Major Davis?
by RuthSite Navigation
Support Heliopolis