Procrastination 12: Lead On Macduff
Procrastination 12: Lead On Macduff
by Newromantic
Summary: Total, blatant shippy nonsense. Really.
Category: Humor, Romance
Season: Season 5
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: minor language
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 04/11/03
Disclaimer: All characters from Stargate SG1 belong to someone else. No, really. Hey, I'm as surprised as you are.
Procrastination
Chapter 12: Lead on, Macduff.
Ten minutes or so passed by before Daniel used his radio again. He had been watching the creatures slowly eat away at the large Oak Tree without too much concern and actually found them quite interesting from a scientific point of view.
It wasn't until the wind picked up and the branch Daniel was perched on started to sway precariously that he decided now would be a good time to bring in the professionals.
He quickly fumbled for his radio and pressed the transmit button. "Uh, are you guys gonna be here any time soon?"
Jack's disembodied - and apparently somewhat pissed off - voice crackled a reply over the radio waves. "We are here Daniel. Where the hell are you?"
"In the Oak tree." Sitting tentatively on the edge of the branch Daniel leaned down and tried to look for Jack and Sam. "I can't see you." He said quickly. "Are you sure you're in the right place?"
There was a worryingly long pause during which the archaeologist nearly fell out of the tree twice before the Colonel's voice was replaced by decidedly more Feminine tones.
"Daniel, it's Sam." The archaeologist rolled his eyes; Well he knew that. "We've come about as far as we can go here and I'm pretty sure we should have seen you by now." There was another pause. "Or at least seen these creatures you were talking about."
Now why did she sound like she was humouring him?
"Anyway," she continued, "Can you see some sort of landmark so we can place your location? There's a whole bunch of Oak trees around here."
Daniel blinked in disbelief before raising the radio to his mouth. "Yeah," he agreed slowly, "But there's only one that's surrounded by tumbleweed with teeth!"
"Lowest form of wit, Danny..." came the Colonel's immediate reply.
"Huh?"
"Sarcasm." He elaborated. "It's the lowest form of wit." This time the pause was brief before Jack continued; his tone exasperated. "And I can't believe you made me resort to cliches!"
The biting comment Daniel was about to make stuck in his throat as the tree began to creak loudly and swayed slightly to the left. He quickly laid himself flat on the thick branch and hugged the tree tightly, preparing himself for imminent death...or at least a few broken bones from the fall.
The tree swung dangerously in the wind for a few breathtaking moments before settling itself back down again, allowing the archaeologist to prise his hands free of their death grip around the trunk.
He shimmied closer to the edge again and looked down at the grass below. There was a large gaping hole in the base of the trunk where the creatures had eaten their way through the wood, but apart from that there was nothing down there. The `things' seemed to have scattered when the tree looked as if it were going to fall and Daniel breathed a sigh of relief before picking up his radio once more to inform his team mates of the latest development.
Just as he opened his mouth to speak he caught a glimpse of something moving below him and for a moment his heart sank as he decided the Bunnies from Hell must have returned. But on further inspection he at last breathed a sigh of relief as Jack and Sam came crashing loudly through the undergrowth as if the very sound of their arrival would frighten off the little Vampire Rats.
"Hey Guys!" Daniel called from his precarious position in the trees. Immediately both Jack and Sam looked up in the general direction of the voice. Carter spotted him first - or rather, spotted his foot.
"Daniel, get down from there!" she yelled irritably and Jack's heart gave an involuntary flutter at her masterful tone.
Then he blinked.
What the hell was all that about? He glanced surreptitiously at the woman on his left. He'd heard her lose her temper a few times (though admittedly, it was a rare occurrence) but it had never caused his pulse to quicken like that before and it had certainly never made it to his mental list of Top Ten Carterish Turn-On's.
There was definitely something going on here.
After more than seven years of working with Carter he thought he would have learned to control his wayward hormones by now and, truth be told, he had controlled them to an obvious extent, but for some inexplicable reason, ever since they arrived on this bizarre little planet he had been acting like a hormonally driven teenager with a constant erection.
Okay, not constant per se, but certainly pretty regular.
Like now, for example.
Glancing south, he regarded his BDU covered genitalia with confusion and irritability.
`Down boy.'
Nothing happened and he sighed in frustration. This was so Carter's fault. After all, did she really have to keep licking her lips like that? Obviously the woman had never heard of Lip-Salve. And what's with the way she kept rubbing her hands across her P-90? It was enough to make a man think of...stuff no CO should ever think about in regards to his 2IC. After all, imagine if he'd started thinking of Kowalski in that way.
Aaaannndddd, problem solved. No more erection.
Jack shook his head, trying to dislodge the lust induced fog surrounding his usually-so-focussed mind and concentrated purposefully on the task at hand.
Apparently Daniel was saying something. He could tell because Carter's face was contorted into a very appealing expression of surprise. Her eyes were positively huge and her mouth was opened into a soft `O', giving his addled brain more than enough ammunition to keep him blaming his sidearm for at least a month.
Jack tried in earnest to tune in to the conversation but for some reason the area of his brain that dealt with sound waves seemed intent on blocking out all but Carter's voice.
Apparently his brain was sound selective.
Huh. Who knew?
Eventually, and after numerous varying threats and bribes regarding time released endorphins his brain finally allowed him to hear both sides of the conversation...
...and immediately regretted it.
Daniel was yelling. Loudly.
Oh, he really didn't want to come down from that tree.
Apparently the `Furbies' - whatever they were - were still out there somewhere and baying for his blood. Consequently, Daniel had decided it was safer if he just remained in the tree until further notice. A plan Jack was absolutely fine with, but unfortunately for both him and his libido, Carter wasn't.
It seemed the Major had been studying up on the best ways in which to blackmail an errant archaeologist into climbing down from a tree and rejoining society; including the part where she threatened to tell General Hammond who the rogue was that kept stealing his coveted Smooth Roast coffee beans from the usually locked drawer in his office...a riddle that had all but convinced the General he was going insane and that retirement may not be such a bad idea after all.
Apparently the threat hadn't gone down too well - proven by the fact that said archaeologist was currently screaming like a banshee.
Okay, not screaming exactly, but he was shouting some pretty impressive obscenities at the Major - and not all of them in English.
Man, that guy really knew how to curse.
On the upside, he was however climbing out of the tree.
Carter's tone changed as Daniel took his first, tentative step towards solid ground since impersonating a monkey a couple of hours earlier. She was no longer sounding like his mother; all stern and scolding, but instead her voice had dropped to a sweet whisper that sent sparks of arousal straight to Jack's groin. Entirely unaware of the effect she was having on her CO (though if she had known, she would have produced a grin to rival that of the Cheshire Cat) she continued to talk Daniel out of the tree, murmuring indefinable words of encouragement as Daniel hit the ground.
No, literally. He hit the ground.
Something was seriously up with the foliage on this planet, Jack decided and he watched in what felt like slow motion as the deceptively un-sturdy branch beneath Daniel's left foot cracked under the pressure of a twelve stone archaeologist and finally snapped in half, sending poor Daniel crashing the last ten feet through the myriad of branches, twigs and leaves and on to the turf below.
Two plasters, a sling and some Asprin later, Daniel Jack and Sam walked slowly back to the pool of water, the archaeologist leaning heavily (and somewhat unnecessarily, Sam felt) on the Colonel's arm for support.
Somehow, through the agonising pain that Daniel swore was coursing through him with every slow, drawn out step, he still managed to whine on about why he knew he would have been better off staying in the tree.
Everyone has a breaking point, and after fifty minutes of being forced to listen to Daniel griping, Jack had reached his.
In all fairness, he had tried everything to ensure he kept his temper; from nodding politely whilst watching the gentle sway of Carter's backside as she walked ahead of them, to re-running old episodes of The Simpsons in his head...whilst watching the gentle sway of Carter's backside as she walked ahead of them.
Okay, so pretty much all his diversionary tactics had included Carter's butt, but what better way to while away the time.
Luckily he managed to keep his temper right up until they reached the pool.
Then he lost it.
"Daniel, would you please just shut up!" The Colonel yelled as he swiped his flattened palm across the top of the archaeologist's head. Oh yeah, Jack had finally had enough.
Unfortunately, it seemed Sam's libido hadn't and her reaction to raised voice caused the butterflies in her belly to start dancing the tango with her intestines.
Would it really be considered breaking the regulations if she jumped him right now? She considered the point in all seriousness. After all, there was nothing in the manuals that forbade hot monkey sex whilst on another planet and as far as she was aware the asexual moron who made up all these rules wasn't even aware that they could travel to other planets, so how could he make up rules about them?
Hmm, bit of a grey area, that.
Unfortunately, before she had time to further theorise her sudden epiphany, there was a bizarre little aching pain in her lower back and she suddenly found herself looking intently at the ground below her...which seemed to be rising up to meet her.
The Colonel stopped walking mid stride and lowered Daniel gently to the ground. Realising that drowning the irritating little man would have to wait, he turned to look at Carter; instinctively knowing something was wrong. Jack froze mid-blink (which, he discovered could be a little painful and really quite strange) and stared blankly for a moment at his 2IC who was lying unconscious on the ground...her face buried in something that looked decidedly (and worryingly) like a Cowpat.
He took a jerking step towards her, only to fall flat on his face. Groggily, he turned to look at Daniel, who was stooped over Sam, shaking her like a rag doll, trying in vain to get her to regain consciousness, panic evident on his face.
Finally darkness swept over him, gently lulling him towards sleep. He fought to keep his eyes open for just a moment longer, trying desperately to form the words that would warn Daniel to look behind him; to watch out for the...
...Zzzzzz.
Little Bitty Footnote: I am so sorry for the delay in posting. I plead overwork but make many promises to be more attentive in the future.
Ahem.
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