Procrastination 15: Purple Reign
Procrastination 15: Purple Reign
by Newromantic
Summary: Sequel to Procrastination 14: A Crude Awakening.
Pretty much plot-free ship.
Category: Humor, Romance
Season: future Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 05/29/03
Disclaimer: All characters from Stargate SG1 belong to someone else.
No, really.
Hey, I'm as surprised as you are.
A/N: I know, I know. I'm so sorry for the delay...again, but I do have a good reason and I'll let you know what it is just as soon as I can think of one.
Procrastination
Chapter 15: Purple Reign
"Good Morning." Much to Jack's surprise, Jacob Carter seemed strangely calm for a man who had just caught his daughter naked in bed with her commanding officer. In fact, if he didn't know better, Jack would almost say he was smiling.
Of course, the Colonel mused, he could just be snarling.
Sam, however, was not coping too well. In fact she was currently sat rigid under the covers with her knees hugged tightly to her chest and was rocking backwards and forwards, trying desperately to convince herself that she was dreaming and that she was way too old to be experiencing a teenage girl's worst nightmare.
Deciding that comforting his Major whilst butt naked was only going to make the situation worse, Jack decided to focus his attention on the Tok'ra before him.
"Uh, morning?" he replied uncertainly as Sam began burbling incoherently beside him.
Jacob was definitely smiling, Jack realised with a sense of foreboding as the older man stepped further into the obscenely purple room and planted himself comfortably on the edge of the bed. Both men stared unblinkingly at each other for a while, during which time Jack became convinced that a punch would be thrown at any moment, but Jacob's grin just grew wider until it threatened to split his face open.
It was only the muted whimpers coming from beside the Colonel that eventually drew their gazes away from each other and over to the Major who was now on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
"Is she unwell?" Jacob asked after a moment.
Jack blinked and chose to ignore the question, filing it away in the `dumbass comments' section of his mind for further study at a later date. Instead he chose to face the current problem head on.
"About this..." he began as he gestured vaguely around him.
Jacob nodded enthusiastically. "It is acceptable?"
Huh?
"Acceptable?" Jack repeated slowly. "You mean this was..." Okay, this was getting more and more bizarre by the minute.
The Tok'ra nodded once more. "You were brought here in the night and I placed you both in this bed."
"Oh." The Colonel replied, questioning his sanity for a moment. "And our clothes?"
Jacob stood and walked over to the door. "They have been buried."
Well, obviously.
There were two reasons why Jack became suddenly convinced that he wasn't really talking to Jacob Carter. The first reason was that had it been Jacob, they wouldn't be having this conversation, and the second (and perhaps more important) reason was that Jack was still alive. Still, he decided it was best to test his theory before diving for the nearest object that could be used as a weapon.
Jack cleared his throat. "Jacob, can I talk to Selmac?"
The seemingly painted-on grin faltered slightly. "Selmac?"
Jack's ego was expanding now for the basic reason that he had finally beaten Carter at figuring something out, but still he gave the other man one more chance before starting a victory dance. "Yeah. Selmac. You know; the snake in your head?"
Panic and revulsion washed over the stranger's features, but the expression was gone as quickly as it had appeared and was immediately replaced with that infuriating grin. "It is sleeping." `Jacob' replied smugly.
"Ah." Jack nodded in understanding before grabbing the nearest object (which turned out to be a vase containing purple flowers) and throwing it at the other mans head.
`Jacob' ducked and the vase flew over his head and smashed against the open door, leaving the man uninjured but shocking Sam back to reality. "Colonel!" she cried in surprise. "What the hell are you doing?"
"It's not Dad," he replied quickly as he shot out of bed and made to chase after the rapidly retreating figure.
"Colonel you're naked!" Sam yelled after her CO and pulled the sheet in a sarong around her body before grabbing the under-sheet and hurrying after him.
All Jack could focus on as he chased the strange man down the empty hallway was catching up with their kidnapper and pummelling the hell out of him.
All Sam could think of as she chased after her CO was how nicely formed his butt looked from this angle. Never before had she understood other women's fascination with the male derriere, but she could officially say that as of right now - she got it.
In spades.
Jack caught up to the stranger just as he went to disappear behind a large wooden door and in a desperate attempt to apprehend the man, the Colonel made a dive and tackled him to the floor. Only seconds later Sam reached the two struggling men and threw the spare sheet haphazardly over them both before wordlessly kneeling on the other man's back whilst Jack moved to cover his own nudity.
Finally they were both about as respectable as they were going to get under the sheets and, grabbing one arm each, they led the man back to their room. Jack felt it was a safer bet than going on into whatever lay behind door number one and seeing as they had no weapons, limited clothing and only a man who looked like Jacob Carter as a hostage, it was definitely a case of `better the devil you know'.
Once they reached the bedroom, Jack held their prisoner down whilst Sam hunted throughout the room for something more adequate to wear. Finding nothing, she turned on the stranger. "Where are our uniforms?" she asked, fighting to keep her temper.
"I told you," the man replied weakly as he struggled futilely under the Colonels death grip. "We buried them."
"Why?"
The alien refused to answer the question and instead clamped his lips together in a child-like pout and shook his head emphatically.
She tried another approach. "Why do you look like my father?"
Still the man refused to speak and Jack decided it was time to pull out the big guns. "Tie him up, Carter," he said with gritted teeth. "I'm gonna show him how we interrogate our prisoners on Earth." Sam turned away in an attempt to hide her grin before moving over to the man and shoving him in a chair. She then tore at the bottom of her sheet and tied his hands behind his back with the strips before moving to stand before him.
Jack had moved over to the other side of the room and was leaning against the wall as he watched his Major make quick work tying their prisoners ankles to the chair legs. He had to regulate his breathing for a moment as he observed the star of his X-Rated fantasies slowly tear parts of her inadequate attire to shreds, but quickly returned to the task at hand, coughing in embarrassment as she caught him staring at her barely-concealed thighs.
"You will pay for this!" The man squealed in fear as Jack loomed before him menacingly. "You do not know with whom you are dealing! I am the ruler of this land!"
"I couldn't give a damn," Jack replied with a mirthless grin before taking another step closer to the prisoner. Fleetingly he wondered just how scary a man could look when dressed in nothing but a purple sheet, but he quickly rid himself of the question and advanced once again.
"Tell us who you are," Sam said coldly as she tried to remind herself that they hadn't really just tied her father to a chair, "and tell us where our friend is."
"Never!" The alien shouted determinedly before trying to curl up into a little ball on the narrow chair.
Jack needed to only take three more steps towards their prisoner before he finally gave in, which was a good thing, Jack decided, seeing as he had no idea what he was going to do once he reached the chair. "I will talk!" The man squeaked as Jack went to move once again. "Do not harm me, I will tell you everything!"
"Fine," Jack nodded before backing away. "You can start by telling us where Daniel is."
"The man you travelled with has been returned through the circle," the alien replied, trying to regain some of his equilibrium. "He was surplus to requirements."
Sam blinked. "Surplus to requirements? How do you mean?"
The alien sighed dramatically and regarded the two officers for a moment. "Make yourselves comfortable," he said, nodding awkwardly towards the bed, "and I shall explain."
Jack and Sam settled themselves on the bed in front of the man and sat in stunned silence as the pieces of the puzzle surrounding this strange planet and their bizarre reactions to each other over the last few days all fell into place.
There's only a couple of chapters to go now and I'll try to post chapter 16 by next week. Feedback would be nice...bats eyelashes
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Newromantic
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