Procrastination 17: Mix and Match
Procrastination 17: Mix and Match
by Newromantic
Summary: No storyline to speak of. It's pretty much just ship!
Category: Humor, Romance
Season: Season 5
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: minor language
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 06/27/03
Disclaimer: I'm thinking of petitioning for timeshare...
Procrastination
Chapter 17: Mix and Match
Calies, Jack noted with a slightly surprised raise of the eyebrow, looked a whole lot like The Tok'ra, Anise.
That point alone was enough to put him off the idea of bathing and changing. After all, if a half-naked Tok'ra look-alike had to be the one choosing his clothing, then he hated to think who would be the one to help him change.
Sam stood back with an irritated frown on her face as Calies fussed over the Colonel, measuring his waist and shoulders and...did she really need to know his inner-leg size?
Of course, it was obvious to Sam that the Colonel was thoroughly enjoying all the attention he was getting, even to the point where if his eyes got any larger they would pop straight out of his head.
Calies removed her wandering hands from between Jack's legs and placed the measuring tape on the table beside her. Clapping her hands twice, two more Koleian natives appeared as if from nowhere and came to stand either side of Sam.
Glancing to the left and then to the right, the Major's foul temper disappeared in an instant as she recognised the form of Martouf on one side of her and Narim on the other. Her taste in men had certainly improved over the last couple of years, she decided as the two aliens began measuring her up for her own clothing, but the look on the Colonel's face alone was enough to convince her to make the most of the situation.
Planting a huge grin on her face, Sam set about batting her eyes and simpering sweetly at the men pawing her; trying desperately to quell the inner urge she felt to beat the living crap out of the perverts, and relishing the look of pure outrage on O'Neill's reddening face.
After five torturous minutes of being pulled and pushed this way and that, Calies led the pair into another room where a huge sunken bath of marble was being filled with hot water, and the heady scent of Ylang Ylang oils filled the room.
Two aliens Sam recognised as female SF's seriously out of uniform stood at one end of the bath, sprinkling rose petals over the water and moving with Catlike grace as they removed their thin robes and slid into the water; looking invitingly in Jack's direction as they playfully splashed at each other.
As if transfixed by the scene before him, Jack made to move towards them, stilled only by the firm grip on his left arm. "One more step and I'll kill you myself," Sam hissed through gritted teeth as she tightened her grip, making Jack wince in discomfort.
Jack blinked and glared back at the Major, inwardly revelling in her jealousy, but determined to keep some form of military decorum. "That would be Colonel, Major," he shot back, putting extra emphasis on their ranks.
Sam's eyes narrowed into an evil glare. "Fine, sir," she spat. "I wonder if the Colonel would care to chose between one testicle, or two?"
Calies intervened before blood was shed. "Do not fear," she said softly, but still managing to get Carter's back up just by having Anise's voice. "This bath is not for you. We must simply travel through this room and one other before we reach our destination."
Not waiting for a reply, Calies led them past the Sirens and into another room that, this time, had the distinct odour of masculinity. "This is the male bathing area for when we take corporeal form," the alien explained conversationally. "The room behind us is for females and the one we are to enter next is for coupling."
Jack nodded absently for a moment before registering what she had actually just said. "I'm sorry," he stuttered nervously. "Did you say couples or coupling?"
Calies smiled sweetly and once again Sam had the overwhelming urge to see just how far her fist would fit down the woman's throat. "I believe on your world it is called `Mating," she replied quietly. "I have been asked to allow you entrance into our most sacred of pools, reserved only for those who wish to become intimate with one another."
Sam blinked. "Just entrance, right?" she asked uncertainly. "I mean, we're not actually meant to...stop there, are we? You're just going to show us around and then take us to another room."
Jack nodded eagerly. "Right. What she said."
The alien looked confused. "No," she replied slowly. "I have been asked to leave you to bathe in the sacred pool, and then lead you to the great hall for our meal."
"Ah," The Colonel said knowingly. "Crap."
Sam's brain was going double-time. "Wait a minute," she said with a slight raise of her hand. "It's just water like all the rest, right?" she asked Calies. "What I mean is, nobody is ever forced to...mate in the pool. They still have a choice."
Calies nodded uncertainly. "But why would you wish not to mate? It is all this male has thought about since you arrived."
Jack coloured. "I forgot you guys can read minds." He glared at the grinning Carter accusingly. "Well it's that damn sheet!" he exclaimed, indicating vaguely to her lack of attire. "It's made you look all...girly."
Her grin faded. "Girly?" she asked, her voice rising a few octaves, "How do I normally look then? Like a guy?"
Stupid, stupid, stupid. Had it not been for fear of exposing some very personal parts of his anatomy currently hidden under his purple sheet, Jack would have made a concerted effort to kick himself. "No!" he replied rather too quickly. "It's just that BDU'S aren't flattering, that's all!"
"Well they don't exactly make you look like Michelangelo's David, either!"
"I never said they did!" Jack sighed dramatically. "Damn, woman! Would you calm down a little?"
Calies stepped in between the warring pair just as Sam was seriously considering assaulting a superior officer and held her hands up to silence them. "You have only a little time before the meal begins and your attire still has to be made," she said soothingly. "I will lead you to your bath."
Sam was about to ask how they planned on making two new outfits from scratch, but Jack interrupted. "I'm sorry, did you say bath?" he regarded the alien for a moment. "As in one? Singular? Uno?"
Calies nodded as she led them into the final room. Their room. "Of course," she said with a knowing smile. "You were expecting something different?"
Sam felt quite at peace as she looked around at the large sunken tub, big enough to hold every SG team on base. With a happy sigh she took in the scented candles mounted on the walls, giving the room a romantic, ethereal glow and the sounds of water softly lapping at the sides of the bath soothed her ragged nerves. Everything in the room screamed romance and as quickly as they had been lost, Sam Carter suddenly felt found.
Jack, however, was a different matter altogether. With a heavy groan he collapsed against the wall and stared at the two women mutinously. "Well this day just keeps getting better and better," he said and closed his eyes in defeat.
Footnote: Feedback would be lovely and it tends to get me writing faster...
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Newromantic
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