I Should Feel Something.
I Should Feel Something.
by Newromantic
Title: I Should Feel Something.
Author: Newromantic
Email: Newromantic@Bolt.com
Category: POV
Episode related: 405 Divide and Conquer
Season: Season 4
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: G
Warnings: none
Summary: Sam just killed Martouf.
Warning: Very angsty!
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
I Should Feel Something.
I should feel something, but I don't. I just feel hollow.
So, Colonel Jack O'Neill, United States Airforce, has become emotionally attached to his subordinate officer. Well, color me surprised - he's human after all.
I can almost hear the low whispering as the SGC grapevine begins what will probably be everyone's number one topic of discussion for at least the next few weeks. Despite there being only the bare minimum of personnel in the room when our innermost confessions were made, I know the gossip will begin before I leave my lab to go home tonight. Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter. No doubt by the end of the month we'll have been secretly married and I'll be pregnant. But right now, I couldn't care less. More important things are happening. I just killed my friend.
I knew. Don't ask me why, but somehow, I just knew. Not initially, mind. Throughout most of this nightmare I was too busy concentrating on finding a way to rid myself and the Colonel of these false memories - to find another way of curing us. A way that didn't involve potential death or brain damage. But once we were in the clear, it all seemed to fall into place. Astor and Graham had been turned into Zatarcs in order to kill Per'sus, and by doing so, should, theoretically have put the seeds of doubt in the minds of the Tok'ra. So, by all accounts, a Tok'ra would probably have been compromised too. Divide and Conquer - an easy, effortless way of cutting the Earth / Tok'ra alliance once and for all.
But the fact that it was Martouf of all people. No one on this base knows more than I how much damage the Goa'uld have done to so many innocent people, but I never really allowed it get to me until today. We've all been through so much pain and suffering in the past few years, but none of us has the right to pound our fists against the floor in a temper tantrum. We chose this, each and every one of us. Every person who agrees to walk through that Stargate has, by proxy, chosen a life of service to this planet. Even civilians. Look at Daniel, for example. No one has suffered more than he has at the hands of the Goa'uld, but every day he comes to work with a smile on his face, and a look in his eyes that defies everything they want from us. He cannot and will not be broken by them.
None of us will.
If I'm honest with myself I have to admit that the real reason I so desperately wanted to contact the Tok'ra in the first place was to meet the mystery man that had haunted my dreams ever since I blended with Jolinar. I didn't know his name, I just knew that he was important in some way. There was something about him that meant more to Jolinar than I could ever understand. It wasn't until I looked into his eyes that very first day we met and suddenly I knew who he was. Martouf. His name rang out in my head so loudly that it made me jump slightly in surprise. Martouf. The man who I'd never before met, but meant more to the memories in my head than even those of my own mother.
To discover that Jolinar and Martouf were connected in such a way that I could never begin to understand filled my heart and mind with such unfathomable elation that I was finding it hard to breath. My dreams became more intense and my own memories became less and less important to me. But who would want to see visions of finding out their mother were dead, or that their own brother had disowned his family, when they could see nothing but intense love and adoration?
Eventually I realised that Jolinar's memories would never truly be mine to own, and that seeing so much of her life, of her heart and mind, was like reading someone's personal journal without permission. So I began to learn to separate my emotions from hers. I realised that I did not feel for Martouf the way she had, and although, even today, he admitted to caring for me, I knew I could never return the feelings.
After a while, my own emotions returned to dominate and I found that I could suppress Jolinar a lot easier than before. I no longer got butterflies in my stomach whenever Martouf was around, but instead I got them when I was in the presence of the Colonel. For the longest time I convinced myself that it was just more confusion from having someone else's memories in my system, and to that effect I even rejected Narim. But still the feelings came. Even after he returned from Edora, even after the way he treated me when he pretended to defect to Maybourne's illegal SG team, even then I could not help but love my Colonel. And eventually I knew he cared for me too.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment he fell in love with me. If I could then I would probably earn a fortune as a television psychic, but I do know the moment I realised he returned my feelings. He had just been transported to Thor's ship and Teal'c, General Hammond and I were sat waiting to hear the news. When he appeared in the room I felt such intense relief wash over me, only to have my heart stop again when he explained that there was no way he was getting down. It was the expression on his face and the look in his eyes when he told me he knew he would die up there that gave away everything to me, and nothing to the others in the room.
I've never felt a need so deep as I did right at that moment. Not to rush into (or, at that time, straight through) his arms, this is no Mills and Boon romance, but to be on the ship with him. To die, right along side him. Earlier that day he had invited me fishing. I came so close to going with him, to lose myself in an unreality for just a few days. As I rushed out of my office and chased him down the corridor all I could see in my mind was Sam and Jack. No titles, no rank or regulation, just Sam and Jack. Fishing. But as soon as he turned around and I looked him in the eyes I knew there would be no way I could spend time alone with him and not give something away. But the moment his hologram turned away from me and disappeared I regretted my decision. I wanted him to know I loved him. I didn't want him to die thinking I never cared.
Looking back, I think he knew. It came as no surprise when I had to tell him I love him today, just as I was not shocked by the beautiful, heart-wrenching words he spoke. The only thing that destroyed our perfect moment of revelations was the realisation that, no matter what we say, or what we feel for each other, it changes nothing. We still have Goa'uld to fight, we still have worlds to explore, and we still have a planet to protect.
You know, it's funny. After all this self-righteous nonsense about how Martouf's death is more important than what happened between the Colonel and myself, I've just come to realise that all I've been talking about has directly contradicted that very proclamation.
Don't get me wrong, Martouf was incredibly important to me - more so than I think even I fully comprehend. But I realise as I sit here in this dark laboratory and the tears begin to stream down my face in earnest, that unlike earlier when I held my friend's lifeless body in my arms and cried the tears of mourning, this time I'm not crying for my lost friend. I'm crying for love. I'm crying for my Colonel.
Perhaps I'm not so numb after all.
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Newromantic
Heliopolis Main Archive
A Stargate: SG-1 Fanfiction Site
I Should Feel Something.
by NewromanticSite Navigation
Support Heliopolis