It's the future (kind of), Jack, but not as we know it
It's the future (kind of), Jack, but not as we know it
by Necro
TITLE: It's the future (kind of), Jack, but not as we know it
AUTHOR: Necro
EMAIL: andrew_175@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: Crossover (Babylon 5), Humor, Challenge (#203)
PAIRING: Sam/other
SPOILERS: none
SEASON / SEQUEL: any
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: au, language, sexual situations, violence
SUMMARY: Funny story about life at the other side of the universe
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Challenge #203:
I want to see a Babylon 5 crossover where Babylon 5 is where the Stargate is at. It turns out years ago the whole human race was cloned and put on a planet identical to Earth on the other side of the universe. But they were put on the planet years before the human race had evolved. So it's in the future, kind-of. It's the future for sg-1 and not for the people on Babylon 5.
Ok, this is my first time at this, so here goes....
Cut to the Babylon 5 Command and Control room (C & C). The scene is that of mass panic. Captain Sheridan strolls in, in his big cheese kind of way. He says, "what's happening?" Invonova presses a few important looking buttons on the command console, and says, "the jump gate is malfunctioning and we have an incoming traveller."
"Can't you do anything?"
"Too late", comes the reply. Go to a view of the jump gate, instead of doing the wormholey type thing, it does the star-gate wisshoooppp, water thingy. Suddenly all of the automated weaponry, targets the gate. (dramatic pause). Then out floats the little remote buggy of the SG-C. If floats harmlessly through space and bounces off the hull of the station with a resounding bong. This is shortly followed by the SG-1 team in space suits, they float toward the station. Sheridan orders the launch of a few starfurys, to 'tow' the lot back to the station.
Once on board, the team are put in the brig, and are quizzed by Garibaldi about where they come from. In the end he decides to release them. It is now O'Neil's turn to ask the questions, you know the kind the ones they use every episode; who are you, where are we, this must be a trap. As they wander round the station they walk into (literally), Londo, the Centauri. He shouts "hey, watch where you are going, you have no respect". He then comes eye to eye with Teal'c. Londo makes the bad move of making fun of the little gold symbol on the top of Teal'c's head and tries to buff it up. Teal'c responds to this by grabbing Londo's head, taking it in the choke hold, pulling out his knife and slicing all the hair off, revealing that the hair do is stuck on with Velcro. Now, Londo, being the pompous idiot that he is, never likes to loose at anything. So, as a final resort he rips off his ambassadors badge, you know, the big spiky one, and flings it at Teal'c's head. However, Teal'c ducks and the badge bounces off the wall and spears Daniel through the arm. "OUCH, hey, why'd you do that?" He shouts, with tears welling up behind his eyes. "Oops", replied Londo, as Teal'c advances on him. "In my land I would have been well within my rights to disembowel you" says Teal'c, but instead, just nuts him one, BOOYAH (pronounced BOO-YAR)! Leaving the imprint of his symbol as a permanent reminder on his head. The moral of this story is 'don't mess with a Jaffah'.
Daniel runs off to the med.-bay to get his arm treated to, but as usual gets lost. He finds himself in the garden area of the station, whilst he is looking round the Vorlon ambassador comes round the corner, muttering "and so it begins" repeatedly. They both turn and face each other, (cut to camera view over Kosh's shoulder) Kosh parts his robes in the type of way a flasher does, and Daniel turns away disgusted. Kosh carries on going, repeating "and so it begins" in a rapping sort of way. Daniel turns and runs away looking confused but stumbles upon a Ranger training course. They are at the stage where they are using those extending sticks, to battle with each other. Daniel stops to observe and after a while asks if he can join in. Being taught the way of the Minbari they graciously let him join. Strangely enough he finds that he is good at it, and goes on to pass with 'flying colours'. As a reward they give him one of the sticks to keep, Daniel gets a big swell head because of what he has done and runs off to find Jack and the others.
Meanwhile, Jack is wandering around the station with Teal'c, when they run into G'Kar. Teal'c challenges G'Kar about his use of a comma in his name, G'Kar says this program was produced well before SG-1, so technically it his trademark. Again a fight ensures, Daniel runs round the corner and trips over the two, and goes Kasplat on the floor. O'Neil picks him up and knowing that this fight could go on a while, they go off to see Carter. When they arrive they find Cater in bed, naked (well, what did you expect). What's even worse is that she in bed with another woman, Ivonnova. Daniel and O'Neil just stand there in silence, savouring the moment. The silence is only interrupted by the sound of punches as Teal'c and G'Kar roll past the door.
Carter and Ivaonnova hear this and look round, they see Daniel and Jack standing there and scream. Carter picks up a vase, handily placed next to the bed, and lobs it at the drooling pair. O'Neil, being an ex Black-op, ducks and the vase gets Daniel right in the face. "OUCH, not again." he shouts as he runs off to the Med.-bay.
He manages to take the right turning this time and finds himself on the Mono-rail system. He sits down and leaps up again, he sat on his Minbari fighting stick. He removes it from his back pocket and looks at it. The guy sat next to him, turns round and pats him on the shoulder and says "Hi, my name's Mattuurgh", the urghh part is because as he knocked Daniel's arm, Daniel shook the stick and it extended, spearing him through the shoulder. "Oops, sorry", is Daniel's reply. "Why?" says Matt before slumping to the floor. Daniel gets off the 'tram' and follows the handily placed signs to the Med.-bay. After a while he is patched up. He yawns and says "Man, this place is boring, aren't there any good places to go?" Doctor Franklin replies "Sure, why don't you try the Zocolo? The command staff and ambassadors are going there later for a party, want to join us? Invite the rest of your mates as well!"
Later the SG-1 enter the Zocolo, to see a party in full swing. They all decide to go and get a drink from the bar and then join in the fun. As they approach the bar they spot Londo and G'kar laughing, sipping their drinks. Teal'c sits down next to the pair, and orders a water. Londo, by this point is WELL away with the fairies, but G'kar is still 'with it', Londo turns to Teal'c and says "water, don't you ever have a mans drink?" Teal'c reply to this is "the symbiot inside of me filters out all alcohol." Londo, in one of his moments of stupidity challenges Teal'c to a drinking contest. Hours later Londo can hardy lift his drink to his lips, Teal'c however is still sober. As a final resort Londo orders a drink with a name that only a Centauri can pronounce, but in an English translation means prune juice. He hands it to Teal's who takes a sip, and is gone, for some strange reason his 'symbiot' cannot handle it. Daniel who is watching this removes the drink from Teal'c and says "enough for you, don't want you getting too drunk now, do we?" "(Slurred) drunk, I'm not drunk!" He then promptly falls off his chair and lands, asleep, on the floor. In the process of falling from chair to floor he hits one of the waitresses, carrying a tray. The tray and it's contents are promptly send hurtling through the air. At that same moment, the guy who was stabbed in the arm by Daniel earlier, who had spend a short amount of time in the Med.-bay getting patched up, walked in through the door, with a load of mates. Suddenly he finds himself pinned to the wall by a load of cutlery, and a cherry trifle hits him full in the face.
He looks around for someone to blame and spots Daniel, "You!" Now, these mates of his, just happen telekinetic, who using their powers pick up Daniel proceed to throw him around the room and leave him suspended in mid air. Security chief Garibaldi walks up to them and commands them to put him down. They oblige and in the background all you see is a blurred figure hurtling towards the floor, "waaaaaaaaaaaargh......OUCH" says Daniel. Once more Daniel finds himself in the Med.-bay. The doctor turns round to Daniel and says "this is very confusing, you have the same DNA as us, but it appears to be thousands of years behind ours!."
"Oh, dear" replied Daniel, "what could have caused that?" In a brief moment of intelligence that only seems to happen on T.V shows when the plot needs to be moved shunted forward quickly the doctor says "well, it would seem that years ago the whole human race was cloned and put on a planet identical to Earth, on the other side of the universe. However, they were put on the planet years before the human race had evolved."
"Wow," says Daniel, "wish I could come up with theories like that."
"Oh no, I didn't think that up, I read the script earlier!" slyly replied Franklin, "if I tell the Captain, (he never reads the script) I may get a promotion or a raise."
"That's all well and good for you, but what about us? How are we supposed to get home to tell people about this amazing discovery?"
"Hey, don't look at me, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an astrophysicist!" he replied, and went to look at another patient. Leaving Daniel pondering who 'Jim' is.
For no apparent reason, Londo, wanders in through the door, he sees Daniel and says "you saw me last night, what was I doing? I can't remember a think, I woke up this morning and there was this jumbo Spirograph set waiting for me out side. Want to see it? The strange thing about it is that it was a present from Kosh."
"Sure" sighs Daniel. They both wander off to Londo's quarters, where laid out on the floor is the 'Spirograph' set. Daniel gasps "the Star gate?" and runs off to find the rest of the gang. They all return later and demand that Londo hands over the gate to them. Londo refuses claiming that it is not a star gate but a children's toy, Teal'c says "Let me handle this, Mr Londo, I see you still have a mark on your head from our earlier confrontation, if you do not want another one, you will hand over the item in question NOW!" After some consideration Londo agrees and reluctantly hands the ownership rights over.
Moments later the gang, storm into C & C and demand to speak to Captain Sheridan. O'Neil walks up to Sheridan, and looks him straight in the eye, "we think we have found the doorway to our home, all we need now is the key."
"Huh?", says Sheridan. O'Neil explains to him, in the way that you would talk to a four year old, that to get the Star gate working you need a lot of power to start it up, and what do they have that could do it. All look at the jump-gate.
In the next scene, it shows all the maintenance bots flying around the jump gate, fastening the star gate to it. "so what now?" asks Sheridan, as usual. "Now, we need to 'dial home'" replied Daniel "Now, that could prove tricky."
Later, they all assemble again in the C & C room to formulate a plan, "what if" suggests Daniel "we attach some cruse missiles to the inner ring to turn it round?"
"Not bad," replies O'Neil, "but where are we gonna find stuff like that?"
"I think I may be of some use there" butts in Sheridan "we have some spare propulsion units for our Starfury's, we could use them."
"Great idea" points out Carter "they would be better than missiles and we would be able to have more control over them too".
Later the maintenance bots start the task of fitting the propulsion units to the gate. Soon enough the team are ready to give it a try. The gate starts to dial, when it gets to the seventh chevron one of the prop units comes loose and flies off. As it happens, Matt was working on part of the stations hull at that point listening to the radio, over hi shoulder you see the missile approaching, he turn and mutters "I've wasted my life!" BOOM! The Stargate at this point has failed to engage, and the team are panicking. Meanwhile the Telepaths had sensed Matts death and have put the blame on Daniel. Back in C & C, a vase suddenly flies across the room and smacks Daniel in the back of the head, leaving him spark out, on the floor. As this is going on, Matts lifeless body (or at least, what's left of it) floats past towards the gate, bouncing off it with a resounding 'thounnngg'. For some strange reason this kick starts the gate and it engages. "Quick O'Neil shouts lets get out there."
In the next scene show SG-1 emerging out of the gate at the SGC. "Well that was aninterestingmission" commented O'Neil, and went off with the rest of the SG-1 to brief General Hammond on what happened in their mission. During the briefing, Daniel tells the General about the Telepaths and Telekinesists. "They're a damn nuisance" complained Daniel, "always hitting me with stuff." Suddenly, another vase flies across the room hitting Daniel, throwing him to the floor. "See what I mean" he moans. "They could prove to be a useful allay" ponders Hammond. "No way!" screams Daniel and storms off to his bunk. "Well, I think that they got on like a house on fire." Says Jack. All laugh!
THE END
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