I Couldn't Hear You
I Couldn't Hear You
by Pough
TITLE: I Couldn't Hear You
AUTHOR: Pough
EMAIL:jgross1@peoplepc.com
STATUS: complete
CATEGORY: POV, Angst, J/S, but kind of a reason for them not to get together.
SPOILERS: Epilogue to "Entity."
SEASON/SEQUEL INFO:.
RATING: PG, some language
CONTENT WARNING:
SUMMARY: Epilogue to "Entity." Jack told Sam that he heard her shouting. But did he?
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG1 and its characters are property of Stargate (II) productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money was exchanged. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations and story are property of the author. This story may not be posted anywhere else without the consent of the author.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I hate to do it, but even I can see the Non-shippers' point of view. Here, then, is my homage to them. Oh, the agony! I have to give props where they're due: So, Sarah of the broken toe and bruised nose, this one's for you who pointed out that Jack didn't actually hear Sam. I hate it when you're right ...
Carter. Sam. Um, I lied. You said you were shouting for us to hear you. I told you we heard. Well, Daniel heard you. I didn't. I couldn't. I was too busy trying to do the right thing, trying to be the good Colonel, trying not to see you inside that ... voice.
Maybe if I'd been able to keep a clearer head, I would have been able to hear you. And that thought scares me ... a lot. I had to fall back on my hard-core militarism to get through this. If it hadn't been for Daniel ( again), you'd have been ...
Daniel heard you; I wanted to blow you to hell. Well, not you. It. It doesn't matter. The thing is ... I did. I shot you. There's no way you should have made it. You took two shots, for crying out loud. But youdidmake it. That and Janet figured out how to connect a few wires to your head in order to, well, I guess ...
That's ... that's really not the point, though. But that's why I'm sitting here, watching you sleep, wanting to hold your hand, touch you, tell you I'm sorry. But I can't.
Oh, by the way, General Hammond knows. At least he knows I have ... feelings for you. I don't know how, but he does. So, there was that to worry about.
Dammit, Sam, I don't like to worry. Least not about the people I ... the people who mean the most to me, who are important to me. And you, well, you're ...
We all have these things, our strengths. Obviously you're brilliant and one hell of an officer. Daniel, okay, yeah, so is he. Brilliant, that is. Teal'c. Teal'c's a warrior beyond description. Me? I'm really good at being able to forget. Some might consider it a flaw. I consider it basic survival instinct. I can force myself to forget things in order to get through a situation, a day, a week, a year or two. So when that almost-dressed Tok'ra Freya or Anise or whoever strapped us into that video game, I didn't like that. It made me remember feelings about you that I'm not supposed to have. Feelings that I try to forget. Feelings about which I didn't want you to know.
So, I couldn't hear you shouting. Because I was trying to forget.
After Charlie died, after Sara left me, I forced myself to forget what it is that makes a person whole. I decided to let the Air Force and our missions seep into those abandoned corners of my soul. And somehow, maybe because you are part of the Air Force, you got in there, too. You got inside me, opened me up wide, made me feel things that I wasn't prepared to feel. Things that I'm not allowed to feel. You make me want to trust again. Love again ... Well, that's just not going to happen. I won't let it.
So, no, I didn't hear you shouting. I was too busy trying not to hear my heart pounding in my throat. Not so much because SG1 was about to lose its finest officer. Pounding because I knew I, Jack O'Neill, was about to lose you, Sam. I was about to lose my ...
When Janet came into the infirmary, God, she looked awful. When she asked me if I knew about the "no extraordinary measures" part of your will, I thought back to our conversation we had in that lava lamp of a pleasure palace a couple months ago. Okay, there are a few things I like to remember. Besides the fact that we almost lost Daniel thanks to the ultra-sonic-violent whatever, and the fact that we were stuck there for all those weeks, it wasn't all that bad. Talking with you, that was ... cool. It felt easy and natural. And wrong and inappropriate, and just another thing that I need to forget, I guess. But when Janet asked me if I knew about your will, I had to remember that conversation. I had to remember that I thought, at the time, the "no extraordinary measures" was a good point, needless to bring it up kind of thing, but a good idea nonetheless. Yeah, I know. I promised I'd be able to carry out your wishes. I agreed only because I thought it would never be an issue. It never occurred to me that I'd be sitting a couple feet from you, talking to Janet about granting your wish to turn off the machines that were keeping you alive. Well, Sam, I couldn't do it. I'm sorry, Sam, I just couldn't. I've seen too many people die. I've done the "It's time, Colonel" thing before, too. Charlie wouldn't want to live that way. You wouldn't want to live that way. Well, I was willing to let you live that way. Selfish and short sighted, I know. I was too afraid of never ...
So, I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you.
It's just that, if I can be totally honest here, I thought that one day, after the Air Force booted me out on my sorry ass, I'd be able to reach out my hand, take you into my arms, share smiles and laughter with you that I haven't shared with anyone for a long time. That maybe, just maybe, we could be happy and quiet together. It's stupid, I know, but I have this picture in my head of us watching the gray cold weather up in Minnesota together from inside the warmth of my cabin, not really talking, not worrying about tomorrow, not really doing anything except feeling the softness of your skin against ...
But that won't happen, because from now on, I need to forget that too. You have a career ahead of you that will surpass anything I have ever done in my 30 years with the USAF. I won't get in your way. I won't hold you back. I care too much to hold you back just so I can hold ...
Dammit, Sam, do you have any idea what I had to forget to shoot that zat gun? Twice? I aimed it at your body, because I sure the hell couldn't look you in the eyes. I watched you fall over, knowing that I had "done the right thing," and knowing that I had killed you. Do you know how painful ... how much forgetting and tamping down of useless emotions is involved in a thing like that? I killed you, Sam! Can you forget that? Can you forgive that? It doesn't matter.
I couldn't hear you, Sam. Daniel could. He always does. I'm going to have to rely on that even more now. Because I can't listen to this aching anymore. I'm closing it down again, for your sake. For my sake. And I'll have to remind myself that Daniel will be able to hear you and that I should listen to Daniel more often.
Ah, Sam, dammit. I couldn't hear you shouting. I couldn't hear because I was shouting, too. I was shouting for you to not leave me. To come back to me. To hear me.
I hate this.
I didn't hear you, Sam. And I won't hear you anymore. I'm shutting down again. I'm sorry. I hope you understand.
I just ... I just ...
I can't.
End.
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