Sam the Killer
By Rocza
Email: roczadeb@yahoo.com
Story Status: Complete
Sequel Information: Daniel’s Hell
Season: Any after 3
Spoilers: None
Categories: Humor
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Content Level: PG-13
Content Warning: Language
Summary: Daniel and Jack try to describe Sam as a noble.
Archive Permissions: Any who want it are welcome. Just give me credit.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and Atlantis and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions; not me. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement intended. The story is the property of the author and may not be posted without the author’s consent.
~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG
Jack was pissed and he couldn’t even show it. SG-1 was currently negotiating with the local natives to see if they could talk to the Queen of the land.
The people of P4R-639 were a nice peaceful lot, as far as natives go. They had been free of the Gou’uld for several centuries and had developed socially to the Earth equivalent of the European Renaissance era. However, they had a huge deposit of Trinium that the brass wanted badly. Very badly.
The problem, as far as the natives were concerned, was that Maj Samantha Carter was a girl. Yes, the same tired old argument that woman was somehow less than man. Never mind, that their Queen was a girl. Or that women were slowly gaining equality in their own culture. That was all just ‘poppycock’.
But here, they had elevated the argument to a whole new level. Not only was Maj Carter a girl, but she was ‘low class’ as well. What ever the hell that meant. Apparently, it just ‘wasn’t done’ to have a low class woman in the room with royalty. Carter could so kick their royal asses.
Then again, maybe that was the point. It would be bad for ‘morale’ if the queen got her ass kicked by someone of ‘questionable breeding.’
“Why can not your Major Carter stay outside the room with the royal guards?” the frustratingly nice vizier asked… again.
Jack didn’t want to discount Major Carter as a strong fighter, but with Teal’c back on Earth, he was unwilling to leave one of his team alone at the hands of a ‘supposedly’ friendly native. Especially, when the native culture didn’t value his Major the way they should. Been there, done that, don’t want to do it again.
Daniel smoothly replied, “Because, good Naven, Major Carter is the only one who fully understands the needs of our planet for the mineral. Only she could properly explain what and how much we need.”
Jack could hear Carter’s sigh from the back of the room. Until her ‘credibility’ had been established, their escort had recommended that she say nothing. This way the vizier would not think she was common. Unfortunately, it meant that she couldn’t list her credentials for the man. Not that they would mean anything to the vizier. Leaving Jack and Daniel to muddle through it on their own.
“You give her much deference. Are you sure she is not nobly born?”
Jack placed a restraining hand on Daniel’s arm. “What… exactly… does she need to be considered ‘nobly born’?” Jack asked, trying to cut through the bullshit.
The vizier frowned and thought about the question. “She should come from an honored heritage, be trained in the noble arts, and speak as a noble should.”
“Well, that’s simple. Her father is an esteemed leader in our military. A general. And she is an acknowledged leader in her field of Astrophysics.” Daniel started.
“I will grant that her heritage is honorable, but I don’t understand this ‘ass-tro-fizz-iks’ of which you speak,” the vizier replied.
Jack had finally had enough, “Fine, she keeps Moet et Chandon in a pretty cabinet.’Let them eat cake' she says, just like Marie Antoinette.” Jack was gratified by the muffled snort of laughter coming from Carter.
Daniel gave Jack an odd look before a smile twitched at the edges of his lips. “She’s a built-in remedy for Khrushchev and Kennedy. And at anytime an invitation you can’t deny.”
“Caviar and cigarettes,” Jack added.
“Well versed in etiquette,” Daniel countered.
“Extraordinarily nice. She’s a killer, a queen,” Jack continued.
Daniel shrugged, “of gunpowder and gelatin.”
Jack snapped his fingers and stated, “Dynamite with a laser beam. Guaranteed to blow your mind.”
“Anytime,” Daniel added. He paused before continuing, “To avoid complications, she’s never kept the same address.”
Jack smiled, “In conversation, she speaks just like a baroness.”
Daniel nodded at Jack, “She met a man from China and went down to Geisha Minah.”
“Then again, incidentally, if you’re that way inclined, her perfume came naturally from Paris.”
“Naturally,” echoed Daniel.
“Because she couldn’t care less,” Jack continued.
“Fastidious and precise…” Daniel added.
The vizier held up his hands in defeat. “Enough. I can see that she meets the requirements of a noble, even if I only understand half of what you have said. She will be presented to the Queen with you both. Now if you will excuse me, I have preparations to make for the visit.”
“Of course, good Naven. We will await your signal. Thank you for clearing up this matter.” Daniel nodded at the vizier and the man left.
“No giggling, Carter.” Jack glanced at his second with a smirk.
Sam took her fist out of her mouth and managed a small, “Sorry Sir,” before lapsing back into giggling.
Smirk in full force, Jack turned back to Daniel. “Drop of a hat, she’s as willing as… playful as a pussy cat…”
Daniel grinned back, seeing Sam’s stunned expression, “Then momentarily out of action… temporarily out of gas, to absolutely drive you wild…”
“Wild,” Jack echoed.
Daniel ducked the carefully aimed punch, and sang, “She’s out to get you.”
“Oh, you two are so dead.” Suddenly, Sam stopped swinging punches and instead gave them a steady gaze with her hands planted firmly on her hips.
Daniel and Jack had stopped trying to evade her, but continued to watch her warily. “Carter?” Jack asked.
Sam stalked towards her two teammates. They backed away from her aggressive advance. She had trapped them in the corner. “Remember, she’s a killer, queen, gunpowder, gelatin, dynamite with a laser beam.” Sam put one hand on each of their chests and lowered her voice into a husky growl, “Guaranteed to blow your mind.” She leaned into them and whispered, “anytime.”
She abruptly turned away from them both, thoroughly enjoying their shocked expressions. Then, with an extra swing in her hips, she continued. “Recommended at the price, insatiable in appetite…” She looked back at them over her shoulder. “Wanna try?”
Daniel and Jack continued to stare at her in shock. Jack recovered first. After loudly clearing his throat, and surreptitiously adjusting his pants, he glared at her. “Carter, you are sooo evil.”
Just then the door opened and the vizier entered, oblivious to the tension in the room. “Her majesty will see you now. Please follow me.”
Sam beamed at the timely interruption, “Thank you. Lead on, good Naven.” She followed the vizier out of the room like a lady in her manor.
Jack and Daniel followed behind. “I’m telling you, Daniel, pure evil.”
Daniel smirked back at his friend, “Yes, Jack. But, you wanna try.”
~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG~~SG
END