Twist Of Fate
Twist Of Fate
by L.E McMurray
Summary: I couldn't take it any more. I couldn't take this shame, the emptiness and longing I felt. AU for Secrets.
Category: Alternate Universe, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Episode Related: 109 Thors Hammer, 206 Thors Chariot, 209 Secrets
Season: Season 2
Pairing: Daniel/Sha're
Rating: 13+
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 2004-09-13
Authors Note's:- Thanks to Stonedtoad for betaing.
I wrote this a while ago and decided just to post it. It is also a challenge on Heliopolis that I actually posted.
It deals with attempted suicide so if you don't feel comfortable with this subject matter, don't read it.
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SHA'RE
I reached out and picked up the knife turning it over in my hands. It was very sharp. I knew this as I cut my finger accidentally on it a few days before but what I was planning on doing with it now would be no accident.
I couldn't take it any more.
I couldn't take this shame, the emptiness and longing I felt.
A swift kick from the child growing within only filled me with disgust for both it and myself. I always imagined this moment, the few days before giving birth to be a time of joy but this wasn't.
I hated this thing that grew within me, hated it for where it had come from. No one knew, not even my father knew the truth about me. I was too much of a coward to tell him what was really happening to me; his joy about the child filled me with a bitterness I never knew myself capable of.
a voice within me asked.
"Why would he still love me now?" I asked back.
"He should not be forced to feel any love for me now," I cried, "He does not know where I am. He can move on with his life without me."
"Shut up," I screamed at the voice, "I have to do this."
Closing my eyes I raised the knife to my heart. My father was away for the moment; I had the chance to do this. I had to do it now before the child started to come.
"Sha're?" my father called in horror as he walked in.
"Stay back," I wept, "Please stay away from me."
He moved closer to me, "Sha're, my child do not do this."
"I have no other choice," I cried, hot tears streaming down my cheeks, "Don't come any closer to me."
I closed my eyes ready to plunge the dagger into my heart.
"Sha're," my husband called, "Don't do this love."
"Dan'iel?" I opened my eyes to see him standing with my father a look of shock on his face.
"It's me," he whispered kneeling down moving closer, "Please, give me the knife."
"No," I shook my head, "I can't live like this. I can't do this."
"Sha're please," he beseeched, "Don't leave me."
I felt tears in my eyes as I looked at him, "I must. I can't live with this. I can't go on. You can be free."
As I started to plunge the dagger into myself Daniel jumped forward and tried to stop me. We struggled for a few moments, I cried out as I felt it slide into me before I fell forward onto him.
"I love you Dan'iel," I whispered before the blackness took me.
-
DANIEL
My whole body felt like it had been frozen as I stood watching Janet work on Sha're. Teal'c and I had gathered her up and headed back here just after she became unconscious. Kasuf was standing with me his hand upon my shoulder I didn't know if he was giving me strength or drawing strength for himself.
She tried to kill herself.
To take both her and the baby's life.
This was a nightmare. I wished Jack were here, I don't know what I expected him to do that could fix this but I needed his presence.
After what seemed like forever Janet came up to us. I could feel the trembles of worry from Kasuf and he suddenly looked like a frail old man. Janet noticed this also because she made him sit down before she started to talk to us.
"Sha're has lost a lot of blood," she explained very gently, "But she's going to be fine physically."
"The child?" Kasuf asked; he knew it wasn't mine but it was still his grandchild.
"I'm sorry but we couldn't save him," Janet sighed, "The knife did too much damage."
His head dropped sadly, "Can we see her?"
"No," Janet said, "The Gould has resurfaced and we have her under restraints."
"Is the Gould healing her?" I asked finally finding my voice.
"Yes, she should be physically fine in a few hours."
"Good," I replied, "Then we can take her through the Hammer."
I turned and left heading to my office. I wanted to make sure nothing could go wrong when we took her to Cimmeria. The moment I got there I grabbed my coffee mug and hurled it against the wall. I have never hated anything before in my life but I hated the Gould with every part of me. What they'd done to my wife, a woman who was so sweet and gentle and trusting. Now she had just tried to kill herself, I was there and I couldn't stop her.
I just wanted to be there and comfort her but the Gould was now awake.
I felt a presence behind me as I held onto my desk trying not to scream. Teal'c placed a hand on my shoulder in comfort.
"You must rest Daniel Jackson," he told me sternly, "You are no good to Sha're in your current state."
"I wasn't much good to her fully awake," I snapped at him getting angrier and angrier taking it out on the one person there.
Teal'c however just stood looking at me taking everything I threw at him and I swore at him for a good half hour in every language I know. Finally I stopped and dropped my head.
"I'm sorry Teal'c," I said softly, "This wasn't your fault."
"I did not understand a great deal of what you said anyway," he gave me a half smile, "Now if you are feeling better I want you to rest until O'Neill returns."
"When are they due back?" I asked suddenly exhausted.
"In five hours," he replied his hand guiding me out of my office to a room, "Rest."
With that order he left me as I collapsed onto the bed and into blessed oblivious sleep.
-
JACK
Yes, this was turning into a truly fabulous day. First Washington, which I was trying desperately not to think about, then Carter seemed to be in a completely different world from the rest of us on the trip back. Hammond sent us to get changed and then we got to the briefing room to find Teal'c sitting with Kasuf.
"Kasuf?" I greeted him, "What are you doing here?"
"O'Neill," he clasped my hand before shaking his head sadly, "There has been an accident."
"Accident?" I demanded before noticing who wasn't there, "Daniel? Where is he?"
"He is resting, hopefully," Teal'c calmed me, "It is Sha're who has been injured."
"Sha're?" Sam cut in, "What happened to her? Is she still..."
"The Goa'uld resides within her still," Teal'c told us then he explained what had happened.
"Colonel O'Neill do you believe that the Hammer will help free Mrs Jackson?" Hammond asked me.
"I'm pretty sure it will," I told him.
"Then as soon as Dr Fraiser gives us the all clear SG1 are taking her there," he decided. I nodded, "I'm going to find Daniel."
-
I finally found him standing in the observation room overlooking her bed. His arms were wrapped around himself so tightly I'm surprised he was still able to breathe properly.
"Daniel," I said quietly as I walked to stand beside him, "How you doing?"
"Just fabulous Jack," he snapped sarcastically at me before sighing, "Sorry."
"It's okay," I placed a hand on his shoulder, "Want to talk about it?"
"Not really," he sniffed fighting back tears, "She tried to kill herself Jack, I was there and I couldn't stop her. She still did it."
I was expecting his outburst but still nothing came to me that could help him. I looked down to where Sha're was sleeping.
"Have you been to see her yet?" I asked him.
"It's not her," he whispered, "The Gould woke up as soon as the baby died."
"But she is still in there Daniel," I reminded him, "And she needs you. Even if the Gould's in control she's still in there somewhere and if you're there she might fight harder."
He looked at me for a few moments before he nodded, "You're right," he turned and walked down.
-
DANIEL
She was sleeping, her face calm and serene like the angel I remembered, so beautiful without a care or fear of anything but it wasn't real. That thing was still inside her but according to Kasuf it was Sha're who'd been on Abydos all that time so it was really Sha're who had just tried to commit suicide. She was in restraints holding her to the bed so the Gould couldn't escape. As I came closer to her I reached out and gently touched her face.
"I don't know if you can hear me," I said softly, "But come back to me. Sha're, what happened doesn't matter all that matters is I love you. Please don't leave me."
Her eyes fluttered open and fixed on me. Eyes that used to be filled with love were cold before they glowed a molten gold.
"Release me," the Gould yelled tugging at the restraints, "I am Ammonet, queen of Apophis you shall release me now."
"No," I replied softly taking a small step away.
Her smile was cold as she looked at me, "Daniel Jackson, the pathetic husband. She does not want to be here, she wanted to die and you could not even give her that."
Her laughter echoed through me as I tried to keep myself calm.
"Sha're," I said ignoring the Gould's taunts as best I could, "I love you. Just hold on."
-
Janet had finally given us the all clear to take her through the Hammer. Hammond decided to send Sam, Teal'c and Janet through first then Jack and I would follow with Sha're. Janet had her drugged into almost insensibility, which was fine by me. I didn't want to have to fight the Gould or hurt Sha're in any way.
Jack stood beside me as I held Sha're in my arms ready to carry her through the Gate. Sam had signalled us they were at the other side waiting for us. Kasuf was standing with Hammond watching us. I caught his eye and he gave me a quick nod giving his complete trust to me.
The Gate burst open and Jack placed his hand on my shoulder moving me forward. This was for comfort as well as to make sure he came with us when the Hammer took us. I clasped her closer to me as we stepped through. Instantly the beam grabbed us and Sha're screamed.
-
The hologram of Thor appeared next to us but Jack just moved us away from it.
"Carter," he called, "We're in the maze and moving towards the Hammer."
"Is Sha're still asleep?" Sam asked.
"Yeah," Jack said.
But at that moment she woke up. I felt pain explode in my head as Ammonet pulled away from me her fist striking my head.
"No," I cried but Jack grabbed me.
"She's not going to be able to get out other than through the Hammer," he reminded me, "Just calm down."
"Okay," I sighed rubbing where she'd hit me; "Let's go find her."
He clapped me on the shoulder and we started walking. Suddenly Ammonet grabbed Jack.
"I shall kill him if you do not let me out of here," she said.
"Let him go and I'll take you to the exit," I promised her.
Ammonet nodded and threw Jack away grabbing me. I led her through the halls following Jack who'd discreetly moved in front of us. Ammonet must have realised something was wrong because she let go of me and tried to run. Thankfully I had another dose of sedative and I managed to give it to her.
-
JACK
Ammonet struggled as Daniel held her arms tightly the sedative had robbed her of a lot of her strength.
"Release me," Ammonet demanded.
"Sure," Daniel replied throwing himself backwards dragging her into the Hammer.
Daniel fell to the ground while she was held in a field of red light. I grabbed Daniel holding him back as she screamed.
Sha're's screams filled the air around us. I could see Sam gripping Teal'c's arm and Janet's hand trying not to cry listening to the young woman scream.
"Jack, you can let me go," Daniel said softly, "I'm alright."
"I can't," I replied, "Cause if I let you go I grab her out of there."
Daniel clutched my arm as we waited watching Ammonet being killed within Sha're.
Finally it was over and she dropped like a stone. Daniel jumped forward and caught her before she hit the ground. Janet was on the ground beside them checking her.
"Janet?" Daniel asked in a shaky voice his eyes fixed on his wife.
Janet gently touched his shoulder, "She's going to be fine. We have to get her back to the base so I can check her out properly but she seems to be okay."
"Good," I interrupted, "Let's start moving and get her home."
Daniel nodded and slipping his arms around her lifted her easily.
"Dan'iel," Sha're whispered opening her eyes slightly, "Sore."
"Go back to sleep," he murmured softly kissing her forehead, "You'll feel better soon, I promise."
With a soft sigh Sha're closed her eyes again and rested against him falling asleep.
-
The trek back to the Stargate took quite a while, as every few hours Janet made us stop so she could give Sha're a check-up. Sha're was passed between me, Teal'c and Daniel as we walked though Daniel was very reluctant to let her go at first but we managed to persuade him we'd move faster if we all carried her. Finally we made it there.
"Teal'c dial us up," I ordered before turning to Daniel who was carrying his wife, "Is she still awake?"
"No," he whispered his eyes still filled with pain and confusion.
She'd woken up a few times as we walked, the one time she seemed almost lucid she'd refused to look at Daniel turning into my shoulder crying.
The Stargate opened catching my attention and I moved him forward. The moment we were on Earth Janet carted Sha're away with us dragged to the Briefing room for a quick report. Daniel paced constantly before Hammond finally let him go.
-
SHA'RE
I could hear strange noises all around me. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't know if I could face what I had done.
"Sha're, come back to me," Daniel's voice called to me, "Don't leave me alone."
The memory of him trying to take the dagger from me surfaced filling me with pain and I felt myself cry out slightly.
"Sha're?" Daniel said, "Please open your eyes."
I tentatively opened my eyes and saw my husband sitting next to the bed. His blue eyes were fixed on me and brightened as he saw me look at him.
"Thank goodness," he sighed before leaning over and kissing my forehead.
Shame filled me again and I turned away from him, I couldn't look at him.
"Janet's given you some medicines to make you feel better," he said softly, "I'll be nearby if you want me."
I could feel the hurt in his voice that I turned my back on him but I couldn't help it. I had betrayed him; I had betrayed everything I held dear.
-
I lay staring at the wall when I awoke again. It was cold, grey and blank exactly the way I felt. Whatever medicines I had been given they made me tired and numb unable to move. I had no feelings at all; I just lay. I could hear all sorts of noises about me but I ignored all the activity around me.
"Hi," a young girl said from behind me, "I'm Cassie, Dr Fraiser is my mom. I know you're sad just now so you don't have to turn around but I brought something for you."
A strange furry creature was placed down beside me.
"It's a teddy bear," she explained, "I'm not from Earth either. Everyone from my planet were killed by a Gould but SG1 saved me," she stopped and gently touched my arm, "Mom adopted me but at first I had trouble sleeping so Daniel bought me the bear."
I stared at the strange thing feeling the softness of the fur against my hand.
"I know you're sad and scared," Cassie said softly, "I thought you would need him more than I do just now. I have to go and do my homework but I'll come and see you later if you want."
I could hear her start to move away from me.
"Thank you," I whispered holding onto her gift.
I felt a gentle kiss on my cheek, "You're welcome," Cassie whispered to me before she left.
-
A few minutes later I felt another presence beside me, a shadow covering my face.
"I see you've met Yogi," my husband said, also kissing my cheek.
My shame filled me again and I still couldn't turn to look at him.
"I know you don't want to say anything," he whispered softly, "So I'm just going to be here beside you till you want to talk."
I felt him lie beside me; his hand softly stroked my arm, his breath warm against the back of my neck. After a few minutes I turned and buried my face against his chest crying. I couldn't stop my tears that were soaking his shirt as he held me protectively against him.
"Shh," he murmured to me, "You're safe love, you're safe. I'm going to help you through this."
My tears finally dried but I just lay against him taking the comfort he offered me. Daniel's hand slid through my hair, something that I loved. His love was almost overpowering sometimes.
"Sha're," he whispered, tilting my head so I was looking at him, "Hi there."
I kept staring at him amazed at his affection for me.
"I am sorry Dan'iel," I whispered, "I am so sorry."
"Don't worry about it," he told me, "You just have to concentrate on getting better."
"Please stay," I whispered, "I have been alone for so long Dan'iel, I do not want to be alone again."
"I'll never leave you," his arms tightened around me, "You're not getting rid of me."
I smiled at him relieved that I was no longer alone.
-
DANIEL
I was grateful Janet had given Sha're a private room. I wouldn't have been able to do this if we were in the main infirmary. I knew I had to be very gentle with her, what had happened on Abydos had scared the hell out of me.
Cassie giving her Yogi had been very sweet but it had also got a reaction out of her. The first since we had brought her back from Cimmeria. I knew she was ashamed of what had happened on Abydos and about the child but her refusal to even look at me hurt.
"Dan'iel?" she softly said, "I killed the child, did I not?"
I nodded, "I'm sorry."
Her eyes filled with tears, "I could not live with it. I hated it so much."
I pulled her even closer to me, "Don't worry. Sha're, all that matters is you're safe."
"No," she cried, "It does matter. I killed a child. He was innocent and I destroyed that."
Pain seemed to overwhelm her as for the first time she realised that the baby was not an it. I pulled her closer to me, rocking her as she started to cry again.
-
"Daniel," Janet said as we sat in the briefing room, Sha're was sleeping and Cassie had volunteered to sit with her until I returned, "You have to understand just how serious this is."
"Janet, I do," I said, "I just want to know if she's going to be alright?"
"Physically, yes," Janet said, "However..."
"However?"
"Daniel, over the past year Sha're has been assaulted, put through horrifying psychological abuse and raped which resulted in pregnancy. All that drove her to try and commit suicide," Janet said to me, "The emotional effects of that trauma are going to be far reaching."
"I know," I swallowed.
"There will be times she won't be able to let you near her, times she'll be scared to be around you and times when she won't be able to let you out of her sight," Janet continued, "There'll be times when things will seem fine then they won't be."
"I know," I said again grateful to feel Jack's hand on my shoulder.
"I'm putting her on suicide watch for the moment," Janet continued stopping me from arguing, "Just for a few nights until I'm sure she's not a risk. I'm also getting a rape counsellor for her, she's a wonderful counsellor and will be able to help Sha're."
I nodded and left them to rejoin my wife knowing that although this would be hard I would do everything I could for her because without Sha're I was lost.
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