Never, Always and Forever
Never, Always and Forever
by Aftyn Victoria
TITLE: Never, Always and Forever
AUTHOR: Aftyn Victoria
EMAIL: SamAstarte99@aol.com
CATEGORY: Angst, Future story
PAIRING: Sam/Jack
SPOILERS: None
SEASON / SEQUEL: future
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: character death
SUMMARY: A new character's view on Jack's loss.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for amusement only and I didn't get any money for it. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. The songs don't belong to me, they belong to Brian May, Jim Brickman and Linda Ronstadt respectively.
**'Just One Life'
By Brian May
I did not know you,
Our lives never touched,
Till the day they gathered to bid you farewell.
And they painted your picture,
And as I looked around,
I felt I saw you in the words and the sounds.
Your talent came flowing through the stories they tell,
And through the faces of those who loved you so well.
Your life gave them a treasure,
A piece of themselves,
Something they carry,
And still serves them well.
Just one life,
Just one life.
Just one life that is born,
And is,
And is gone.
Just one life,
And I'm so glad to know you,
as I know you now.
Perhaps inside you,
You were messed up like me.
But to them you were whole and strong,
A friend in their need.
And what you left behind you,
And what swept over me,
Says that your life's work goes on and on.
A piece of eternity.
Just one life,
Just one life.
Just one life that is born,
And is,
And is gone.
Just one life,
Did you ever have the chance to find out,
What life is all about?
I did not know you,
Our lives never touched,
Till the day we gathered,
To say our farewells.**
I almost feel the need to shed tears, and I didn't even know the woman. I heard from Teal'c that she was a great warrior with an impressive mind. From Dr. Jackson, I learned that she was compassionate, brave and an all around good person. Dr. Fraiser has told me that Sam Carter was closer to perfect than most will ever be. From Colonel Jack O'Neill... from him, I've heard nothing. He hasn't said more than two words to me, but from his eyes I've learned more than anyone could have told me.
He lost the world when he lost her.
Sure, Jackson, Fraiser and Teal'c lost a great friend, a comrade and maybe something on a higher level that people only reach when they save each other's lives on a regular basis, but for O'Neill... for him, it's different. I can tell by watching him when her name is mentioned, the pain is visible in his face and mannerisms. His eyes scream the injustice of her death, and his lack of speech reveals that it will take time for him to heal.
I've heard that this isn't the first time he's lost the world.
Whispers unveil to me his son's death, and his former wife's departure. He became suicidal after that, and I can't say that I blame him. Hell, after I lost my first husband to cancer, I wanted to kill someone, and I wanted to say a few choice words to the 'maker' himself. I can't imagine losing my own child, and then having my spouse leave me. Being alone. It would be unbearable.
Something tells me that when he met her, the dark fog lifted and he was able to see life as it is again: a wonderful thing. As far as I can tell, there was no romantic relationship between them, however, I believe that if they had had a few more years together, there would have been. And I'm pretty sure it would have been a blissful thing, not perfect, nothing is perfect, but a truly good thing.
I heard that when she was shot down on P5W-3845, O'Neill scooped her up in his arms and ran like hell to the Stargate, and somewhere between the battle site and the Stargate, she died. She died in his arms. Perhaps she uttered unto his ears the vow of her undying love, or perhaps she didn't. Perhaps she merely said something about serving with him, or maybe there was silence as he raced over the grassy hills to the Stargate. Whatever happened, he won't talk about it... Not to me.
I've heard from Dr. Fraiser that the only ones he'll even consider talking to about her are Dr. Jackson, Teal'c and a child named Cassandra--Dr. Fraiser's daughter. I don't blame him for the dirty looks he gives me, because as he sees it, the higher- ups are trying to replace *her* with me... and there's no contest. Sure, I'm military like she was, with a science degree, but I'm not *her*, and I never will be, so in O'Neill's eyes, I'm inferior.
I don't blame him.
I don't even blame him for degrading me the first time General Hammond introduced us, or for making my life a living hell on missions with his snide comments. Eventually, I hope he'll come to respect my presence for what it is, not as a replacement, but instead as a stand in to make the team whole. I'll never measure up to his expectations and I know this, but he has to understand that she's gone and she *won't* be coming back. Never again will he see her smile or hear her words. Never.
I wish I could've known her.
People around base say that she could lighten any room with one of her smiles. She saved everyone's ass on more than one occasion. Hell, SG-1 had saved the world a few times. I have a feeling O'Neill no longer considers SG-1 a full team. Sure, there may be four members, but if she's not here, it's just not *SG-1*, it's something new, something different. And *not* something better in his opinion.
I wish I could've been introduced to the woman who had touched so many lives. I don't think she had a single enemy on base, and I already have more than a handful, including O'Neill, even if he doesn't know it. I accept his resentment, because I know that it would be hard for me to move on after losing someone so special. I accept and understand it.
I just wish it hadn't happened.
If only someone could've prevented it. If only the shot hadn't been fired. O'Neill blames himself, but I know it wasn't his fault, because I can tell that he would have done everything in his power to keep her alive. Because she was what kept him alive.
There's even been talk about O'Neill retiring, and maybe that would be better for him, for everyone. With him in this trance in which he has blocked out everyone and isn't exactly 'all there', there's a risk of something happening to one of the other team members, including myself.
As he walks to her grave, no one else is looking, no one else but myself. His words are almost inaudible, but I can hear them clearly.
"I'll always love you, too, Sam. Always."
**What We Believe In
Jim Brickman, sung by Pam Tillis
Funny, just the other day
I was walking down the street
Stopped into that place, you know
The one where we used to meet
Thought I heard you call my name
In a whisper on the wind
Then I remember you were gone
And never coming back again
But if love is what we believe in
I see you in heaven's first bright star
If seeing is believing
I look into the sky
And there you are
You're not that far
Cause love is what we believe in
Looking through some photographs
Of not so long ago
Right now I'd give anything
If I had only known
I would never touch you
Hold you
Or kiss your face
Feel your arms around me
Or fall in your embrace
But if love is what we believe in
I see you in heaven's first bright star
If seeing is believing
I look into the sky
And there you are
You're not that far
Cause love is what we believe in
Now love will break your heart
When you say goodbye
But love is worth the pain
And all the tears you cry
And if seeing is believing
I look into the sky
And there you are
You're not that far
Cause love is what we believe in
And you are in my heart
And our love is what
I believe in**
Never again will I even *try* to fit in with the other members of SG-1. Never. It's been a little over a month since I was placed on the team. Not as a member really, just an outsider placed there to make it a whole team. An outsider. And that's what I'll stay. Last night Daniel, Colonel O'Neill, Teal'c and Dr. Fraiser went to a little bar in town, and Daniel invited me to tag along. I know it's because he sees how O'Neill treats me, and he feels guilty for his friend's actions. He wants to rectify them.
I will wholeheartedly accept Daniel's friendship, trust and camaraderie, but he can't make up for what I don't have from my CO. If you're going to serve with someone in the field, in a very odd and dangerous field at that, then you want to know that they trust you watching their back. And that you can trust them to watch yours. I don't feel that with him, and that scares me.
So I went, hoping to gain a little trust, or maybe even a few *kind* words from O'Neill. Didn't happen. Daniel was a complete gentleman all night, Janet and Teal'c were polite, but O'Neill was a bit detached. And he won't ever call me anything besides Captain Ford, whereas Daniel has started to call me Kristine or Kris. Teal'c calls me Captain Ford, but he does that whole name thing with everyone, so I don't feel bad about that.
I could swear that when Daniel calls me Kris, it makes O'Neill a little agitated. It's the fact that Samantha had become Sam, and I, Kristine, am becoming Kris. Why won't he just accept my presence? I understand that he lost someone he deeply cared for, but you can't ignore and mistreat the living when something like that happens! Thus far I've kept my patience with him, I've ignored the snide remarks and harsh gazes, but soon, I may just have to start fighting back. He's not the only one that can hurt a person with words.
If only I could bring her back, and then I could transfer to another SG team, and he could be happy. And I could be happy. We could all be freakin' happy! But that's not going to happen, so I might as well go and get ready for our mission. We leave in about an hour, and after I get changed, I'd like to make a quick stop in one of the labs. My soil samples should be ready by now.
When I turn the corner and just about step into the locker room, I stop dead in my tracks. What else could I do. Colonel O'Neill is sitting on one of the benches looking through the contents of a cigar box or something. He's not crying, but there's a sort of negative energy around him, a melancholy aura--if you believe in that kind of stuff.
I back up a little, and move to the side a bit, but I can't take my eyes off of him. He's holding a picture, I just wish I could see what it's of. From here, all I can see are several figures, maybe a group shot. Maybe SG-1, or maybe the family he had lost long ago.
"Charlie, you gotta take care of Sam for me. She's something special, just like you. And I can't do it from all the way down here, so you have to watch over her..."
His voice is low, and if I wasn't looking at him, I'd say that he was crying. But I am, and he's not. He inhales deeply, as if trying to push back those non-existent tears. He rubs the bridge of his nose, and then kicks the locker in front of him, the noise makes me jump a little.
"First Charlie, and now Sam? I'm starting to think you don't like me, God. She was... she was *perfect*, and you had to take her away from me. What'd I do that I deserve this? I'm doing good things, I've saved the world a few times now, doesn't that warrant some happiness?"
He paused, puts the picture back in the box, and sets it on the bench beside him.
"Guess not. And if you just *had* to take Sam, why'd you decide to torture me more by putting Captain Ford on the team? The woman is so much like Sam, but at the same time, she's not. She's quieter, and she doesn't laugh at my jokes. Couldn't you have at least gotten someone with a sense of humor?"
I have a sense of humor! I don't laugh because I'm afraid he'll then yell at me or something if I do, plus, not too many of his jokes are very funny. Especially when they come at the *most* inappropriate of times. And how am I like her, but not at the same time? He probably means that I'm a female military scientist, but I don't act like *her*. That's because I'm not her, I'm Captain Kristine Ford, and I don't plan on changing to suit him.
"Danny thinks I'm being unfair; God, am I being unfair? I think you're the unfair one, but that's okay because you have all that almighty power, and I have... I have quite a bit of power over the lieutenants. I just wish I could've had a *little* more time with her, if not the rest of my life. God, she was someone I could've been happy with, and look what you did, you screwed things up... again--no offense. If only I had been there to stop it from happening."
He still blames himself. No matter how many times Dr. Fraiser, Daniel and Teal'c tell him differently, he still blames himself. I even tried to talk to him about it once on a mission when everyone else was asleep, but he cut me off and said, 'You don't understand, captain, so don't try'. Did he ever think that maybe I *do* understand. That maybe I've lost loved ones, too?
He puts the box back in his locker, and slams it shut.
"God, not to be mean, but if you ever decide to take Cassie, *don't*. I will *not* let it happen. I think she's going to grow up to be a lot like Sam--smart, pretty, funny, and all that other good stuff. Alrighty then, I just spent about five minutes talking to God, and I doubt he was listening, and I think I may be losing my mind."
I dash around the corner, because I really don't want my CO thinking that I'm stalking him. He exits the locker room, flipping the sign to female time, and not noticing me.
When I step into the locker room, a thought crosses my mind. That picture. I'm not normally this nosy, but I really want to know who, or what, that picture was of. My eyes creep over to his locker, and sure enough, there's no lock. This is almost too tempting. I really shouldn't look at his personal things. It's wrong. Very wrong.
I want to know.
I open his locker, and remove the small box, careful not to disturb anything. When I open it, I realize that this must be his treasure chest of sorts. He's got little trinkets and pictures scattered through it. The first two pictures catch my eyes.
The first is of a young boy, and I'm guessing that that's the child he lost. I turn it over, and sure enough, 'Charlie's first little league game, June '93' is scrawled on the back of it in handwriting that I don't recognize to be his. It must be his former wife's.
The second picture really catches my attention. It looks like a candid shot. Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter are playing with a girl that I know to be Cassandra, in the park. All three are smiling, and I must admit that Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter would've looked splendid together. On the far right, there's a bit of Teal'c's hat and elbow showing, so my guess is that Daniel took the picture when no one was looking.
Looking at this photo, I realize that he must've been attracted to her for some time, maybe even since they met. She was definitely an attractive woman, and from what I hear, her personality was mesmerizing. She was intelligent, strong, and genuinely kind. He would've been a lucky guy. Would've been, had a shot not been fired. Had a friend been there to lay down cover. Had a mission been canceled. Had a sick day been used.
There are so many possible ways that that day could've gone different. But it didn't. The sick day wasn't used, the mission wasn't canceled, the friend wasn't there in time, and the shot had most certainly been fired. And Sam Carter's dead.
I replace the pictures, and then put the box back. My curiosity is satisfied, and now I'd better get ready for the mission.
I think I may be able to have a little more patience with Colonel O'Neill. Maybe. Although, if he tells me that I don't understand again, then I'm going to let him have it. And if he doesn't let up on me, and realize that I'm here to stay, I may have to 'discuss' some things with him. Acceptance is the first step to healing, or at least that's what they say, whoever 'they' are.
He'll just have to accept that she's always going to be gone, no matter how hard he wishes differently. Gone forever.
**Goodbye my Friend
Artist: Linda Ronstadt
Oh we never know where life will take us
I know it's just a ride on the wheel.
And we never know when death will shake us
And we wonder how it will feel.
So goodbye my friend
I know I'll never see you again
But the time together through all the years
Will take away these tears
It's OK now...
Goodbye my friend
I see a lot of things that make me crazy
And I guess I held on to you
I could of run away and left
Well, maybe...
But it wasn't time we both knew
So goodbye my friend
I know I'll never see you again
But the love you gave me through all the years
Will take away these tears
It's now...
Goodbye my friend
Life's so fragile and love's so pure
We can't hold on but we try
We watch how quickly it disappears
And we never know why
But I'm OK now
Goodbye my friend.
I can go now
Goodbye my friend.**
"Ford, the food's gonna be gone if you don't get your ass over here!" O'Neill calls to me, but I really don't feel like getting up, what with this giant bulge in my front and all.
I'm sitting at a patio table at some General's house--who knows which one. I just accepted the invitation because of the free food. Pretty much everyone's here. Cassie came along with Janet and Daniel; this'll be her last time seeing everyone before graduating in a few weeks. She's graduating a year earlier than expected, and after college, she'll be coming to work at the SGC. O'Neill is wowing Teal'c with his culinary skills--or so he thinks, but I've seen Teal'c's almost desperate glances to anyone who passes by.
If someone had told me a few years ago that this would be happening, I'd have laughed in his face. I would've pointed out the fact that O'Neill hated me, and so did about 1/8 of the rest of the SGC. I would never have dreamed that I'd be sitting here, 8 months pregnant and being waited on by the incorrigible colonel.
It didn't really happen overnight--instead it just happened one *day*. SG-1 had split up to scout a planet, and he made a yet another derogatory comment. So I told him off. I let him have it, and that was when he let his guard down, believe it or not. He told me how he felt about everything from Carter's death, my replacing her and even about Daniel offering me friendship.
His words weren't necessarily eloquent, but he spoke with an honesty that broke my heart.
After O'Neill monologue, I stayed quiet for several minutes, just *looking* at him, processing everything. Then, with the timing that only he seems to manage, Daniel's voice came over the com, telling us that he had found nothing and suggested going home before dark. O'Neill and I walked back in silence, but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence, because I then knew that the man didn't hate me. He didn't resent me, or feel any sort of animosity toward me... he just needed time.
And with time, things did change. I fell in love and remarried to a civilian scientist, and O'Neill even came to my wedding, along with Daniel and Teal'c. And all three were there for me when Craig died on an off-world mission. I had deep talks with each of the guys respectively. They all had their own viewpoints on losing someone. I'm not over my husband's death, but I try to stay happy, as not to put too much stress on the baby.
Things seem to be coming together for nearly everyone--well, except for maybe Janet, but she'll get over Cassie leaving the house with time. She and Daniel have a little 'unofficial' thing going on, so Daniel should be able to help her through that.
O'Neill isn't over Sam Carter, but he has come to accept it, and the rest of us on SG-1 know to back off when he gets into one of his moods.
"Ford, are you deaf *and* pregnant?"
I suppose I should go and eat before the man has a heart attack, he never likes to be ignored.
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