Stealing Dr. Jackson's Underpants
Stealing Dr. Jackson's Underpants
by Aftyn Victoria
Title: Stealing Dr. Jackson's Underpants
Author: Aftyn Victoria
Email: SamAstarte99@aol.com
Category: Humor, None
Pairing: UST
Season: any
Rating: PG-13
Content Warnings: language,
Summary: The Stargate doesn't quite work as it's supposed to, and a few unexpected strangers arrive.
Status: Completed
Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for amusement only and I didn't get any money for it. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters (Voss, Parker, Jane, Bambi...), situations, and story are the property of the author.
Author's Notes: Dedicated to Doc. Kate, Pepsi and Jolie, as they listen to my rambles about the SPASOTM and read 'Who Stole the Captain's Underpants'! And thanks go out to anyone who ever asked about my SPASOTM quotes! I didn't list this as a crossover because it's not a crossover with anything normal people know about. :) And just like WSCU, each part of this story is in a certain person's POV.
Captain Jane McFearce's POV
"Oh, shiznat! Anyone else think this looks suspiciously *not* like base?"
For once in his worthless little life, Voss is right. This is *not* our base, however, it is a base, and the people in front of us *do* have guns. So, I lower my gun... it's the only sensible thing to do, considering we can't exactly jump right back through the 'gate.
"Are you guys like marines?" Bambi asks in that innocent little tone that only she can pull off.
Sam slaps her upside the head, which is what I would've done had I been closer. When we have about fifteen men with guns aimed at us, it's not the best time for Bambi to be hitting on guys.
There's a small room positioned above the heads of the guys with guns, and behind the glass (more than likely bullet proof) there are several people. A bald man that looks like he's been going a little heavy on the donuts, a blonde, a guy that kinda reminds me of Colonel Ellis, a *really* big black man and some other people that look like geeks. Is that rude of me to think that? Nah.
Now that we all have our weapons lowered - it took some convincing from Jason for Voss to finally lower his gun - the bald man starts to talk.
"You will not be fired upon, unless you make a hostile action. I am General Hammond, and you are in the SGC. Please state your names, your planet and your objective."
This ought to be interesting. Little does the bald man - Hammond - know, he's likely to get some pretty entertaining answers.
"Lt. Todd Voss, I'm from Mars, and my objective is to stand here and play nice with these fine gentleman waving guns in my face. You see, I'm from the universal cosmetic brigade, and I must say, you people need makeovers ASAP. Your pores are disgustingly huge - bet all that hostility is to blame."
"Lt. Sean Parker, I'm from Pluto - you ever been there? And I don't remember my objective, because I suffer from reoccurring... what was I saying?"
"Oh, is it like my turn? Lt. Bambalina Garner, I'm like from Earth, and... are you guys like marines? Aren't marines like dumb? Because I'm like dumb, and I think that I would be like the perfect woman for like a marine. So, how about w..."
Sam slaps her upside the head again; I wonder if that affects that tiny little brain of hers in any negative ways... points to ponder. I take my cue, and give my own little smart-ass answer, "Capt. Jane McFearce, I'm from Neptune, and my objective would be the same as them, only I feel compelled to add that if Bambi doesn't get her medicine every few hours, she becomes psychotic and plucks everyone's eyebrows and eyelashes out. Not a pretty picture."
Well, that went straight over Bambi's head, I don't think she even realised I was talking about her. Nothing new there.
"Dr. Edella Frasier, I'm from Earth, and my objective is to perform reconnaissance with this team, but we were actually not on a mission, we were just on a training exercise off-world, and... something went wrong. Obviously."
"Very nice, Daya, very nice. I'm Major Jason Estes, same as her."
"Major Samantha Carlisle, ditto."
Well, the people behind that glass window look... well, I can't really read their looks, but they're talking amongst themselves, and the guy that reminds me of Ellis is saying something to the blonde. Oh, here we go, the bald man will speak again. All hail the bald man. Not.
"Major, could you repeat your name again."
"Samantha Carlisle, I'm from Earth, so are the rest of them. Is there a problem, 'cause I really don't feel like standing here all day with guns in my face. It's not exactly my idea of a good time - kinda kinky, actually."
"Oh, come on, Sammy, you *like* kinky." Carlisle doesn't really respond to Voss' comment - she may have finally succeeded in tuning him out. Doubtful, but always a possibility. He'd be the perfect candidate for a human muzzle.
The people in the little room talk a little more, and then a few of them exit, only to enter the 'gate room we're standing in. The blonde walks up to Sam and studies her for a moment.
"Major Samantha Carlisle... Air Force?"
Carlisle gives a curt nod.
"Wow, Carter, seems like Samantha's a popular name around the universe... think they might be from an alternate reality?"
An alternate reality? We're not from an alternate reality! We're from this reality... I hope this is our reality, anyway. The guy with grey hair had better not be right about the alternate reality thing, because I am in no mood for that confusing science-y stuff.
"Why would you think we're from an alternate reality? We came through a 'gate, not an alternate reality mirror." Carlisle says with a little bit of arrogance, but that's almost always present in her tone. That's just how she is... doesn't play nice with others and doesn't like taking turns - spoiled brat.
"Well, up until now, there's only been one Samantha in this reality using the Stargate - well, that we know of. And her name's Sam." The geeky looking freak pauses a minute and then turns to the greying dude. "But then again, Samantha is a biblical name, and we did run across some Christianity, so perhaps..."
Grey haired dude holds his hand up and mutters that it isn't the time.
"Ooh, problems." Voss whispers. "Does this mean we can call you Sammy, Sam?"
"It's a small universe after all, it's a small universe after all, it's a small, small universe!" Parker needs to learn the tune to that song, and he also needs to learn to sing on key.
"Shut up, Parker! And no, Voss, it means you can call me 'Carlisle' or 'Major', like you're supposed to do!" Carlisle really needs to work on her anger management.
The tall black man steps into the room just after the bald man, who's looking pretty confused. Bambi immediately perks up at the sight of the black man for some reason, and skips over to him. He just 'looks' at her.
"Wow, I don't think I have that like shade of eyeshadow! Is that Revlon... it looks close to like Autumn Plum, but it's a little browner. Maybe Mahogany Dawn. Whatever it is, I have to get some... but ya know what? That shade doesn't really match you. Perhaps you should try Sunset Pink - it'd look kinda punk on you, and that's like all the rage of this season."
The man raises his eyebrow even higher than Sam does when Jason teases her, and then turns to the grey haired guy (he really reminds me of Ellis), who just shrugs and continues to inspect my teammates.
"So, are you guys gonna tell us your names?" Edella inquires.
"Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm Major Samantha Carter, that's Colonel Jack O'Neill, Dr. Daniel Jackson, General Hammond and Teal'c."
"Teal'c? My goodness, what a name! What a *dumb* name!"
"The name 'Edella Felix Joby Frasier' doesn't exactly roll off of one's tongue too easily, so maybe you should shut up, Edella." Voss taunts, but Daya doesn't pay any attention to him, she's too busy staring at Dr. Jackson. And he seems to be oblivious to the attention, kind of like the way Sam used to be oblivious to the attention Jason would to give her, then he got extremely obvious, and she definitely noticed. Yeah, the rest of us get to witness the product of her noticing if we walk into the locker room without knocking - those freaks really need to learn about modesty!
"Voss, Daya? Shut it!" Sam orders, and then turns back to the woman who's introduced herself as Sam, too. What's that Dr. Seuss rhyme about Sam? "So, what exactly is gonna go down here?"
She's answered by silence and blank looks. And it's only now that I realise the guys with guns no longer have their guns aimed at us. That's always a plus.
"In other words, are we gonna get to go through the 'gate and go home?" I explain.
"There's no need for you to go through the 'gate." Maj. Carter says matter-of-factly. "You're already on Earth."
"Thank God, I don't think I could handle going through that stupid round thing again today!" As Parker says that, he sits down on the metal ramp and begins fanning himself with his hat. Odd little man.
"As in... Earth? The same Earth that has the Great Wall of China, the Sierra Nevada mountain range, the US Air Force and Harrison Ford?" Wow, Sam certainly has her priorities straight, I guess she just had to add Harrison Ford to make sure this was really Earth, eh? Eh.
"That would be our Earth, yeah." O'Neill mutters, and I've decided that he definitely reminds me of Col. Ellis. He doesn't really resemble him too much, aside from the hair colour... he just has that whole 'Colonel Smart-Ass' thing going on.
"Why do I have this funny feeling that you're not going to let us just walk out of here without any trouble?" Jason asks, directing the question to Hammond.
"Because we're not, Major Estes, that would be a security risk. It's not every day that someone comes through the Stargate claiming to be from Earth."
"Well, if you contact General Robert Wells, he could confirm our story." Edella suggests, not even bothering to use any form of respect, such as 'sir'. But what can you expect from a civilian?
"Major, perhaps you should try dropping this whole act and telling me what's going on." Hammond says to Carlisle.
We've been sitting here in what they call a 'briefing room' for the past hour and a half, and we've pretty much sunken into a standstill. We, of course, can't release any information unless authorized, and Hammond has yet to let one of us near a phone to get it authorized. Pretty soon here, I'm sure Voss will just say something. In the past fifteen minutes, he's been getting kinda antsy, and he's starting to take advantage of the swivel chair he's seated in. I'm waiting patiently for him to get dizzy and fall to the floor.
"I really hope you'll accept no for an answer general, because I'm not authorized to release any information to anyone who's not cl..."
"Sam! Just tell the damn man what he wants to know, my butt is falling asleep from sitting in these stupid chairs."
Silence. Everyone in the room is looking at Edella, and she doesn't seem to notice. Carlisle thinks for a moment, and then sighs, looking to Jason for some sort of consent. He nods. More than likely, his butt is also asleep, 'cause mine is, too.
"We're part of Section Centennial, a governmentally funded program labeled with the really stupid acronym SPASOTM, Secret Paranormal Activity Studies Of The Military. Some bigwig in DC that knew he'd never have to say it again got to name it. The mission is to perform reconnaissance through an orb found in Lake Chad, as well as study any on-world paranormal activity that concerns us. General Robert Wells is the commanding officer of the SPASOTM, with Colonel Patrick Ellis as second in command."
"And you expect us to believe that?" Hammond snorts.
"Um, sir, I've actually heard of them." The other Sam says, gaining a few odd looks. "Someone contacted me to look over a few calculations sent to the pentagon early last month, they had to do with the SPASOTM, unfortunately, I was a little too busy to look over them."
"Had you done so, you would've realised that they were calculations dealing with a portal about half the size of yours, and without the fancy ring around it." My Sam says, almost defensively.
I think she's a bit ashamed of our dinky little operation, and I can understand that. We have a program consisting of smart-ass AF officers, odd civilians and a bunch of marines, who all have roundabout ways of getting things done. And then these people have this full-out, serious facility thingy going. Poor Sammy's ashamed of us... I would be, too.
"Damn it! I want a fancy ring... Sam, why didn't we get a fancy ring, it's not fair."
Well, I think Sam's embarrassed by Voss now. She's probably wishing she would've left him back on that planet with giant slugs a few weeks ago.
"Are you saying that you guys have your own little orb or 'gate or whatever somewhere out there, and you're using it?" O'Neill asks with a confused expression.
"Oh, he's a smart one, isn't he! I say we take him home with us, he'd fit in perfectly - and I'm sure Dr. Baer would just love to study that tiny little brain of his."
O'Neill looks bewildered by that comment, and I don't think he realised that Voss insulted him by saying that he would fit in with the rest of the SPASOTM.
"You see, we had an orb first - referred to as the Satori... well, no, technically, the orb is the Sato and the thing that makes it work is called the Ri, and we just kinda combined the two when referring to it in general." Carlisle glares at Edella, encouraging her to get back on topic. "Um, anyway, we had the Satori, and we went through it and had some fun, and then we found this nifty gate thing and we had some fun with it, too. We have teams going through both at the moment - well, not this exact moment, but you get the picture. We'd gone through it to this planet for a training exercise off-world, and instead of arriving through a similar ring, we came through one of those honking big ones."
"To repeat myself from earlier, what exactly is gonna go down here?" Carlisle queries, obviously not thrilled by the fact that we're the only ones giving answers.
"Well, Major... I'd like to contact General Wells and get this all straightened out, if you give me the telephone number where he can be reached, I'd appreciate it."
"1-876-923-7399."
"For inquiring minds, that last bit spells out 'sexy'!" Voss announces, warranting him a few dirty looks. Imagine that - Voss getting dirty looks.
General Hammond goes into what I presume is his office to call Wells, leaving us to stare at one another.
"I'm a sniper, ya' know."
Good Lord, Parker, shut up. Please don't tell them about all of that.
"I once protected my Sammy from an evil mutt from Hell... no, for real people, believe me, I did."
"Parker, shut up, that was an officer's dog - Capt. Yarbrough's dog - a domesticated pet... and Sammy - I mean, Maj. Carlisle was *not* in trouble." I scold, trying to kick him under the table, but I miss and hit the table leg. OUCH.
"*ANY*ways, new topic... you think we'll be able to go home soon?" Edella asks, quite innocently.
"Actually no, we'll probably keep you here for more questioning. And if we don't like the answers, we'll send you through the 'gate to one of those planets inhabited by the Goa'uld." O'Neill mutters, getting a smile from his Carter.
"A... a, um, a what? A Goa-what?"
"Goa'uld." Jackson answers, which brings Edella's attention to him - ooh, possible paranormal stuff for the paranormal expert. Whoopdie-freaking-do.
"And that would be...?"
"You guys haven't encountered the Goa'uld?" Carter looks as if we just told her something outlandish.
"No, but we've come across quite a few funny little brown men, does that count?" If only we could put a muzzle on Voss - the world would be a far better place to live in.
"The Goa'uld... I'm surprised you've gone off-world without at least hearing of them. They're parasitic beings that require another life form's body in order to survive." Jackson explains, while O'Neill looks rather wary about telling us anything, but stays silent. It's just like a civilian to give information to just anyone who comes through a transuniversal portal.
"Like a tapeworm? Ooh, that's kinda like icky." Bambi comments, not taking her eyes off her nails for more than a second.
"Yeah, like just like a little like bit like icky... shut up, dumbass." Voss jeers at our lovely little ditzy lieutenant.
"What? Nail polish?"
"No, not nail polish, he just called you a dumbass." Edella mutters.
"Is that like an insult? You can't insult me, I'm beautiful. That's like not right or something."
"So, do tell, how exactly did she make it to the rank of lieutenant?" O'Neill asks Carlisle.
"It's called sex..."
"SAM!" Edella chastises.
"Just stating facts, nothing more, nothing less... I don't know, maybe less, she also used..."
"Sam! Control yourself."
The non-SPASOTM people in here are quite amused by our display of pettiness. Jeez, if they're amused by this, just wait until they see us drunk - that's really amusing. The big black guy hasn't said a word, he's stared at all of us for the past - oh, I don't know, *hour* or so. Is that a bad thing?
"Getting back to the Goa'uld, what are they exactly?" Edella says, giving me hope that maybe we're not all incapable idiots. "They use humans as hosts, and control their minds... they're a major power in the universe - I'm *really* surprised you haven't come across them. It's actually rather complex, it took us four years to understand as much as we do." Jackson replies in an intelligent manner - jeez, he just has to go and be all smart, doesn't he!?
"So, you're a hottie!" Bambi squeals at Dr. Jackson.
"Well... um, thank you, I... I think." He mutters, completely taken aback.
"I'm a hottie, too... what a coincidence. If we had kids, they'd be like a bunch of major hotties."
SMACK*
Estes just hit the poor thing, and she's now looking around flustered, wondering what happened. I think she's like a duck or some little animal, 'cause she wakes up in a new world every day. No idea what happened to her the day before, let alone a year or so ago.
"Sorry about that, she tends to have those outbursts of idiocy." Jason speaks! That's the first thing he's said since being in this 'briefing room' - why don't they just use a lounge, like we do? I guess they're just not special like that. Plus, they seem a bit more structured. We *have* a briefing room, we just never use it, and we call it an orientation room. A much prettier name, in my opinion. I mean come on, let's do some word association here: Orientation... Oriental... oriental things are pretty; Briefing room... briefcase... work. See how it works now?
The door opens, and the bald man returns. Thank god. Hopefully Bambi won't call him a hottie or anything, because that would just be wrong.
"Well?" Carlisle asks, leaning on the table and looking pleadingly in the general's direction. I wonder if he's ever had a 5'10 woman with long blonde hair, dark blue eyes and a tight black tank top ever look at him like that before. Doubtful.
"Well, General Wells has passed on the following message for Major Estes - I hope I get the wording right, 'You people are screwed'."
"Oh, that does sound like Wells." Voss declares, and Parker nods his agreement.
"Well, he also said that due to technical difficulties, your transportation will be delayed, unless you people feel like walking back. And since that's not going to happen, he and I came up with the following idea. You will stay here and observe a few things, and possibly figure out why this happened in the first place."
"Technical difficulties? Oh damn it! I bet Babette glued herself to the plane again." Voss mutters... everyone ignores him.
"Um, general, not to sound insubordinate or anything, but is this such a good idea as far as - oh, I don't know - security is concerned?" O'Neill says, glancing at my group with this funny half-smile/half-grimace expression on his face.
"Colonel, I have already contacted the people I needed to in order to find out what they know, and do not know. They have nearly an equal level of security clearance. They've been traveling through their orb and miniature Stargate..."
"Miniature?! Ah man, that hurts the ego." Voss whispers to me.
"...For quite some time, and have actually encountered some 'bad-guys' of their own. They've been studying 'gate technology, and oddly enough, Major Carlisle is as much a specialist where alien technology is concerned as Major Carter. I believe we should share information." Hammond rifles through some papers, and then looks back up. "And since SG-1 is on stand down, your team is the lucky one that gets to show our guests around, colonel."
"Oh, joy." O'Neill mumbles, glancing at Carter, who in turn smiles.
Lt. Todd Voss' POV
This man is a pansy... there's no other way to describe him. Bambi seems to be pretty interested in him though, but then again, she's interested in any male that walks - and some that don't. His name's Graham Simmons and he seems like one of those officers that doesn't ever step over the line - as I said, a pansy; by my standards, anyway.
Sammy's looking over some of the SGC's equipment, and preparing to give them some coordinates that we've visited and found interesting. I wonder if she'll give them the address to the planet that wanted to keep Edella... the one where we had to tell them that she was actually a giant toad cast under a spell.
The funny thing is that our 'gate uses different little symbols, but since Sammy's all smart like that, she figured out which ones correspond to the SGC's giant-ass 'gate. I think we deserve a big 'gate, too. Just think of all the things we could bring back! Our orb is pretty cool, though, and they don't have one of those, so we can flaunt that fact if we feel like it. Sammy claims that given enough time, she's sure she can figure out how to use the 'gates and the orb in conjunction or something.
If I just slip over here by this lovely little area, I can slip out my favorite CD - Five Iron Frenzy- and slip it into this slot... and watch the magic happen.
A nice little high-pitched screech comes from the loud speakers, and then there's my magic:
When I go out in the street I get hit by cars I make mashed potatoes I get hit by cars
Hehe! That has got to be the *best* song in existence! It's so short and so funny!
"Lieutenant! Get away from the freakin' equipment!" Sammy yells.
I think this is my cue to put on that 'I'm so cute and innocent' face that I've been practicing since I was old enough to think. Sam proceeds to apologize to Mr. Pansy-boy... Mr. Pretty-boy... Graham Cracker... okay, I'd better stop before this line of thought degenerates to Gummi Bears!.
This place has some pretty nice equipment - in fact, I could probably get into any system imaginable using this stuff... I'd have to make a few adjustments, but I'd be able to do it. All the world's information would be at my fingertips!
Well, well, well... Graham is now watching me like a hawk, probably afraid I'll break something, or steal something. Like I would ever damage such precious items! But, I was thinking about stuffing one of these giant computers down my shirt - I wonder if that'd be noticeable.
"Ooh! What does this button do? Can I press it?" Bambi asks, pressing several buttons on one of the walls that are pretty much covered by shiny things and flashing lights - a playground for dumb blondes.
Suddenly, this shield thing goes down, klaxons sound and a bunch of people come rushing in, and some go rushing out. Basically, my daft minded co-worker has just caused havoc on a multi-billion dollar operation - I'm so proud.
"Um, perhaps we could do this later, Major Carlisle. You might want to go and find Maj. Carter or Col. O'Neill and have them show you a few of the sights."
Graham Cracker boy is trying to control what Bambi's done, with the help of this other funny little man in a uniform.
"Okay, Voss, Bambi, let's go - and don't touch anything."
Sammy leads us out of the fun little control room... we follow like her little ducklings. We're off to find the hot Carter chick or the weird guy, O'Neill. That guy is just way too much like Ellis for my liking.
"Voss! Take that out of your shirt!" Damn it! I didn't think Sammy'd notice.
Edella Frasier's POV
He's hot, and I don't mean that lightly. This man is gorgeous, intelligent, sensitive and just flat-out dead sexy! Daniel Jackson... Mrs. Edella Jackson. Has a nice ring to it! He's working on some translations right now, and I'd offer to help him, but I don't want to embarrass myself like that time in Egypt...
Yeah, sure, I'm supposed to be a linguist and know all these languages, but... well, I can say 'Hello' in 17 languages and ask for the bathroom in a few more than that - count for anything? It was Wells' own fault for not giving me some sort of test before hiring me. But at least I'm a qualified paranormal expert! That's something to be proud of... right? Maybe not, but it still sounds cool in bars when a bit of alcohol has been consumed.
"Doctor?"
Oh, was the hottie talking to me? Who knew! I hate it when people call me 'doctor'... makes me feel so old. "Please, call me Edella... 'Doctor' is so formal."
"Um, okay. As I was saying, has your group run into any glyphs like these?"
Ooh, Pretty. Never seen those in my life, but they'd make beautiful gold charms for a charm bracelet. That's a little off-topic, isn't it? I really need to learn how to focus, but when in the presence of a major hottie, it can be kinda hard. Probably should say something to sound smart right about now, eh?
"Yeah, a few times actually."
His face lights up. "Oh? Have you had the chance to translate any of them?"
"No, I'm pretty busy and a lot of that stuff gets, um, put away until I have the time and whatnot." I'm a good liar! I'm a good liar!
"Oh." Awww! He's disappointed, but he looks so adorable when he's disappointed... he looks hotter when he's happy, though. So, I'll make him happy.
"Actually, come to think of it, I have translated a couple lines."
"Really?" His eyes light up, *very* sexy. "It would be a great help if you could shed some light on them. Some just don't look like they make any sense - no root language."
"Oh, well," Time to be smart, Edella, or at least pretend. "Well, the root language is actually based on the Ranu's language, with several variations stemming from Latin, um... Greek... and..."
"Ranu?" He looks so cute when he's confused, too! Mmm! I just wanna take him home!
"Um, yeah, Ranu. They're these tall blue aliens that kinda wanna wipe us out after they take over the Universe. But um, that's a depressing topic, so moving on..."
"No, no, no!" He holds his hand to my mouth for a minute, trying to shut me up. His hands smell nice! "Let's stick with the Ranu... they're trying to wipe us out? Wh-why?"
Ugh! I was really hoping I could be telling him all about myself by now, and he'd be falling in love with me or something! Who wants to talk about a bunch of tall blue freaks? Not me! And he shouldn't, either! "The Ranu and the Soa'ur are..."
"Soa'ur?" Okay, the confused thing *used* to be cute - now it's just annoying.
"Yeah, the Soa'ur, they're another group of aliens that are trying to take over Universe and then proceed to wipe us out. It seems like that's a common goal among a lot of the people we've met, but they're the only two races that have the potential to do it."
"The Goa'uld pretty much feel the same way."
"Awesome," I say sarcastically. Just how many races want Earth obliterated and/or enslaved?
"Mind if I ask how the Ranu and Soa'ur came to wanting us dead?"
"Well, there's this big-ass war going on somewhere out there in the big blue sky, and we kinda inadvertently joined in by offering a royal heir sanctuary here on Earth. Who would've thought that by doing that we'd become known around the Universe? Plus, they don't like the fact that we helped Lujas - he's one of our allies - assassinate about a hundred of each race while they were trying to sign a treaty off-world. Just little things like that."
"Sounds like our relationship with the Goa'uld."
Major Jason Estes' POV
"Let me get this straight, you're a marine *and* you're a scientist, effectively making you intelligent?"
I shrug. I wouldn't call myself intelligent. Genetics isn't exactly brain surgery, in fact it's kinda easy once you get the hang of it. Then again, when I try to explain it to Carlisle, she covers her ears and starts humming.
"I never thought I'd see the day where there's an intelligent jarhead."
I think O'Neill may be trying to annoy me, but little does he know, the term 'jarhead' has no effect on me. Carlisle *tried* to make my life miserable when I first had to share a lab with her and a few of her tactics included calling me nothing but 'Jarhead', 'Dumbass' and 'Dirty Mexican'. She also 'accidentally' messed up some of my equipment, which she was then ordered to fix. She *really* didn't like me back then. And she hated the fact that after she'd done something really wicked, I'd just ask her out on a date as if nothing had happened.
Anyway... O'Neill's still talking, but I'm not really paying attention. He's definitely not the guy you want to follow around to learn anything. He's made it quite clear that Jackson or Carter are the ones to talk to if you want to learn anything important. But frankly, I don't want to learn anything about this facility or there 'Stargate'. I'd much rather borrow a van and drive home... maybe without Bambi. She can stay with them. Can we all say 'Lab Rat'?
"So what's up with you and Carter?" I ask, figuring I can at least learn something that's actually interesting if I have to hang out with this guy. Well, technically, I could've gone with Jackson, but Edella shot me this glare that promised death if I did.
"What do you mean?" He says, suddenly on the defensive. He's trying to act all cool about it, but he's gotten a bit tense.
"Well, as I recall, there are a few regs against..."
"Where'd you get the idea that anything was 'up' with me and Carter?" Oooh, I can tell he's not too pleased with me right now.
"Hey man, didn't mean to offend you or anything; obviously, I was wrong about it."
"No, no, no. Tell me why you thought that." He demands with a look that could rival Edella's 'Death Glare' any day.
"Just got a few signals. Nothing overt, ya know? A couple looks between you, the way you're always trying to sit by her, and the fact that she laughs at your lame-ass jokes."
"My jokes are lame?" He says, trying to switch the subject. I nod. "Well, for your information, nothing's up with me and Carter."
"Yet." I add, gaining myself a bit of a mean look. Look all you want bright-boy, doesn't affect me!
"What?"
"I said, 'Yet', old man, as in 'not yet, but something will'." He gives me that 'What the hell are you talking about look', so I guess I'll save him from straining the few brain cells he has and explain. "I can read the signals, and the chemistry between you guys isn't exactly 'covert'. I had the same thing going with Major Carlisle a while back, but instead of regs, we had her stupid pride to deal with - much more difficult to get around, lemme tell you. Now that it's resolved, we work better together."
"Look, I think it's about time you found Carter or Danny or Teal'c to follow, 'cause you're not learning anything hanging around me."
Damn, for being an Air Force Colonel, this guy is pretty touchy.
Major Sam Carlisle's POV
Okay, I *know* I'm not this boring when I talk about the Satori or our mini-gate. I bet Carter's an interesting person if you get her out of this lab. Then again, maybe not, because I have yet to hear or see any evidence that she actually gets out of this lab (other than to go off-world).
"And so I'm guessing that for your team to come through our 'gate, the..."
"I don't care."
"What?" Awww, she looks a little bit confused. Wondering how on Earth I could
not* care about this fine example of alien technology.
"Can we talk about something else for awhile? *Anything* else? I mean, this can't be all you're interested in."
"But I thought you were here to learn about our 'gate and swap some notes."
I lean back in the swivel chair, cracking my back a few times, and then look back at her. "That may be why we're *supposed* to be here, but that doesn't mean we're going to actually do it, does it? You actually bother with orders all the time?"
Wow. You'd think I just slapped the woman. "What do you mean 'bother with orders'? You mean, you don't follow orders?"
"Oh please, in the SPASOTM, nothing works quite right, including the whole chain of command thing. Sure, that might sound completely unprofessional, but it works for us. General Wells may be the reigning bigwig there, but it's a rare occasion if someone listens to him. I hold a heck of a lot more power than he does. Hell, take Jane for instance, she may just be a captain, but the guys will listen to her long before they do Wells or Colonel Ellis."
Finally, silence. She's shocked by what I just said, so obviously, she's a straight laced little soldier girl that can't imagine not following orders. "Don't you get..."
"Into trouble?" I finish. "Not really, sure we get the brief reprimand and 'don't do it again' speech, but to my knowledge, no one's been court martialed yet. Voss and I are the most insubordinate ones at Lachlan, but we're both highly needed for the operation, so they don't do much about us. Gotta love that kinda security."
"As I understand it, Lt. Voss' computer skills are hard to come by, but you, no offense, they could replace you fairly easily, couldn't they?"
"Oh yeah, they could replace my knowledge of mechanics and all that, but they couldn't find anyone that the others actually listened to."
Just as I say that, the PA system turns on. "This is the voice of God speaking! Bow down to.... ow, man, don't do that! Hey..."
Oh yeah, I have authority. Lots of authority, just not over Voss. I take it he's made his way back to the control room. How the hell does he manage to do these things? I smile sweetly at Maj. Carter, and make some excuse about leaving.
When I *finally* get down to the control room (this place is freakin' huge!), I find Voss standing in the middle of a group of techs, and all of them look very unhappy. When he sees me, his eyes brighten - probably figuring I'm gonna get him outta this. Yeah right! Screw him!
"I was just tryin' to teach them!" He pleads, trying to pull that innocent look.
"Teach 'em what?"
"Stuff... ya know, how to have some fun with their equipment - did you know that they shrink at the idea of hacking into the Pentagon's files?"
"No, but I would kinda figure." Then, turning my attention to one of the guys shooting him daggers, I say, "Ya know, if you could arrange him being put in the brig until further notice, that'd be great."
"Ma'am, I don't think..."
"Do you really want him hanging around in here?"
"I'll speak to the general, ma'am."
"Sammy! No! This is *not* funny!" My bleached blonde lieutenant shrieks as two guards grab him.
I *love* having power! Sure, I may abuse it, but what fun is having it if you don't?
Lt. Sean Parker's POV
I am *the* man! With my kitten-like reflexes and sniper-ish abilities, I've hidden myself in General Hammond's office! Go me! Go me!
So far, it's been pretty lame and boring, but I'm sure it'll get exciting soon! He's called someone named Kayla - probably some hot younger chick he sees on the side or something! Maybe she's even a spy! Some hot international spy chick! And he's been sitting there reading reports or something for the past hour. He's cleared his throat fourteen times since I've been in here, and he's rubbed his bald head twice - probably checking to see if it's still bald! Well, don't worry baldy! It is!
My legs are getting *really* tired, but that's okay - I'm a sniper and I can take it! It's pretty worrying that I can be in here without being noticed - what if I was some assassin dude sent to kill him!?
My head itches, but if I scratch it, he'll know I'm here, and we can't have that. But it itches so bad... it itches like no other itch has ever itched before. This is the mother of all itches. In itch-world, this itch is God. I suppose if I just snake my hand up ever so slowly toward the offending itch, I won't touch the fl... *uh oh* the flag moved when my jacket hit it. Baldy didn't notice, did he? He didn't...
"Lt. Parker, why are you hiding behind the flag?" He asks, not even looking up at me.
I hold really still. Maybe he was just talking to himself or something. Yeah, Parker's a common name, and 'lieutenant' is a fun word to say. He was just thinking aloud!
"Lieutenant?"
See, he's doubting himself! He's not sure if I'm really in here!
"Lieutenant, have a seat, please."
Oh. He does know. I slowly come out from behind the flag, as not to shock him by my appearance - since he is old and may have a heart attack. I take a seat across from him and smile charmingly.
"Son, what were you doing?"
"Sir?" If I pretend to be innocent, he won't know any different!
"Perhaps I wasn't clear - why have you been hiding behind that flag for the past two hours?"
"I don't know what you're talking about, sir." Nope! He's none the wiser! He has
no* idea what I was doing - he's probably just bluffing by saying he knows I was in here! The fool! He thinks he can fool me!? Fool! He is *the* fool, and I am *the* man! What a team!
"You're not too bright, are ya?"
Bright? Of course I'm not bright. The sun is bright, light bulbs are bright - human beings aren't bright! "No, sir."
"I didn't think so, but that's okay. We're not all meant to be physicists and linguists, or even grade school graduates."
Psychics? This man isn't too smart, is he! He's talking to me about telepathicity and stuff - we're in the military, man, not some freak show! Duh! "Well, sir, that's all good and stuff, but I think I hear Major Carlisle calling me."
"Very well, lieutenant, dismissed."
"Yes, sir."
I give him a snappy little salute and then leave! Ha! He actually fell for that! As if I could hear Carlisle calling from like another floor or something! Some people are just *so* stupid!
Lt. Bambi Garner's POV
Okay then, not only is this guy like fashionable challenged, but he's like boring, too. All he's done in like the past hour is like read. Who actually like does that? Doesn't he know that reading gives people like wrinkles and grey hairs and stuff? But he's like a guy, and they don't worry about that kinda stuff, I guess.
"You're like from another planet, right?"
He just kinda like looks at me for a minute, and I must say that that eyeshadow is like *so* not his colour! Can we all like say Fashion Emergency? "Indeed."
Okay, like correct me if I'm wrong, but what loser says 'Indeed'? "So, like, ya wanna learn some stuff about Earth? 'Cause like, I've got some free time, and I'm like an expert, ya know? 'Cause I'm like from Earth and stuff."
"You are not permitted to leave the base at this time. However, if it does not require leaving the base, I believe I should enjoy learning more of Earth's customs."
"Like awesome! Come on!"
"Is this not war paint? As the ancestors of your people once donned before battle?"
"Ummm, Jason calls it that sometimes. Like before Babette and I go out on Fridays, he says we have to put on our war paint to like warn guys off and stuff."
He does this little head noddy thing, which kinda messes up the like perfect lip liner job I was doing. God, life like sucks sometimes. Doing this on mannequins is like a gazillion times easier - or like Babette, even, she knows how to hold still.
I figured that if he's the type of guy that wears makeup, why not show him how to wear it properly, ya know? So far, I've put on some awesome Electric Blue eyeliner that looks like so spiffy on him, some Ironically Red eyeshadow and right now I'm working on the Melodramatic Magenta lip liner and lipstick. Thank goodness I always bring along my makeup bag - like just for emergencies like this.
"Oh my god, Teal'c."
I turn around to see that Colonel O'Neill has entered the locker room and is like in awe of my awesome work!
"Ya like?" I ask cheerfully!
I think he's like a meanie, 'cause he ignores me goes like straight to Teal'c's side. He's kinda laughing, but like trying to hide it or something. He's probably overjoyed that I like helped his fashionably lame friend and stuff.
"Have people seen this, Teal'c?"
"Are Lt. Garner and yourself not considered people, O'Neill?"
"I mean *other* people, people like Feretti or Johnson or... anyone but us."
"Like of course not, dummy! It's a surprise, and I'm not finished yet! So, shame on you for like looking too soon!"
"Um, lieutenant, remember where the briefing room is?"
"Yeah, like why?"
"Okay, we're gonna go to dinner off base, and we're all meeting there in five minutes - why don't you start heading there? I'll finish Teal'c up."
"But like, you'll like mess up my like work and stuff and then like..."
"No, no, no! Don't worry, I'm good. I'm the best!"
Well, if he's the best! Then maybe I should like let him do it, 'cause then it'll be like awesome! And people will like think I did it and stuff! And then they'll like think *I'm* the best! Wow! He's so thoughtful!
"Okay!"
"Sweet."
Captain Jane McFearce's POV
Okay, so after a day with the SPASOTM, SG-1 still hasn't figured out that we're not exactly the group of people you want to be seen with in public. Oh well, after one outing, they should learn pretty quick. I think O'Neill's already starting to figure out that Bambi is *not* someone you want sitting in the front passenger's seat. She and he have been messing with the radio back and forth, and she keeps trying to honk the horn. And when she's trying to reapply this or that (I swear, I've never seen her wash her face - I think the caked on layers have become a hardened mask), he purposely hits potholes or doesn't slow at speed bumps.
We get to ride in this sweet little van number (okay, so it's not that sweet - in fact, it's pretty uncomfortable, but go with it), which conveniently has seven seats. There are six SPASOTM members (we came through their Stargate with seven, but Voss seems to have disappeared) and O'Neill is driving. Just think, if we wanted, we could overpower him and take this van! But that'd be a general no-thing, so I'm not gonna suggest that. Major Carter, Teal'c and Dr. Jackson took Carter's car - much to Edella's dismay, as she's got a thing for Jackson.
"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. Diddly-dee."
That line of the *very* annoying song has sent Parker into yet another round of laughter. I swear if I have to listen to any more of 'This Old Man' or 'Ninety-nine Bottles of Beer', I'm gonna go postal.
"Parker, *must* you sing?" Apparently, Edella's not too fond of the poor guy's voice, either.
"Yes! For I am Lord Destructo Singing Man!"
Before I even know what I'm doing, the back of my hand has 'accidentally' (that's gonna be my cover story later) come into contact with Parker's face. I watch as he sits there for a moment, a little dazed and perplexed, but still alive and breathing... damn, it didn't work! I'll have to try again later, when I can get a firm grip on his neck.
Well, at least he's quiet now. Perhaps bordering on unconscious - but that's okay, not my problem.
"Is there a problem occifer - er... officer?" Bambi asks, giggling at her mistake. I swear that if looks good kill, she'd be dead by O'Neill's hand... or would that be eyes? We've been pulled over for speeding (O'Neill was speeding a bit for a speed bump while Bambi was trying to apply some lip liner), and the cop - not sure if it's a man or a woman - is at O'Neill's window.
"Please step out of the vehicle."
"Ooh! We got a *hardass* on our hands, people!" Parker shouts sarcastically, also gaining himself a deadly glare from O'Neill... he'd better get used to us, because the last time we were pulled over, we ended up in jail for harassing the officer.
"Yes, officer, we'll be out in a minute!" Jason shouts from the back; I swear he acts like the SPASOTM's public relations person.
While we all get out of the car, I ponder the sex of the cop. Upon closer inspection, it's either a man with a very feminine voice and mannerisms, or a very manly woman. The mysteries of life.
He... she... *It* takes off its helmet - short graying hair. Still can't tell. Darn. It takes O'Neill's license, registration and insurance card and looks over them, meanwhile, I'm still puzzled over the... unisex cop.
"Mr. O'Neill, do you have any idea how fast you were going? Over a speed bump, no less?"
"He was only going 45, and technically, that thing's kinda small to be a speed bump - I mean, it's more like an oversized line in the road."
I'm pretty sure O'Neill doesn't know how to react to Edella's explanation, and he's looking kinda speechless and shocked.
"Shut up!" Mr./Ms. Cop orders. "Are you under the influence of any form of alcohol or narcotic?"
"Nope, just high on life. Plus, I just saw the lacy strap of Carlisle's... shall we say 'undergarment'?" Parker answers before anyone else has the chance.
"If you don't plan on taking this seriously, I'm gonna have to..."
"Somebody didn't take their cranky pill today, and his initials are Y.O.U.!" Bambi squeals, poking the poor manwoman in the chest and smiling like a madwoman.
I have to laugh. I can't help it! Bambi is just such a moron. She's the only person that actually says those sort of things and isn't ashamed of herself!
"Officer, we had a reason to be speeding!" Edella says dramatically, and we all turn to her, wondering what she's going to say. I think O'Neill's resigned to the idea that we're gonna end up in jail sooner or later tonight, and he's gonna have to use his one phone call to contact Major Carter and tell her we're not showing up. Not me... I have faith in these people... okay, not even *I* believed *that*.
"Oh? I'm all ears." He says, mocking our poor paranormal expert.
"It's classified."
Carlisle chokes on the gum she had been chewing, and my eyebrows shoot up. Okay, any form of faith in Edella has vanished - what's she doing?
"Excuse me, little lady?"
"I said it's classified, but we do have a good reason. You see, we're with the United States government, and we were supposed to be at Area 51 an hour ago - our tardiness, due to the traffic problem, which is more than likely your fault in some way, is costing millions of dollars."
"That doesn't mean you're excused from the laws of traffic."
"Okay guys, I tried, let's kick his ass."
Edella, without warning, dives at the man's feet and bites his calf. The rest of us, myself included, are too stunned to do anything. She continues biting him as sniggering slowly fills the air. Carlisle steps up to the cop, pulls something out of her jacket - thank God it's not a gun. She hands a badge to him. We don't have badges... do we? Don't tell me I had one and I lost it. Carlisle also hands him a few papers and her ID... I lost my ID a little while ago. Ah well, such is life.
"Down, Daya." She says, batting at the civilian, who falls back off of the man's leg and scrambles up to a standing position, prepared to regain whatever dignity possible. "We're with FBI, and I need you to let us pass, otherwise you'll find yourself in a little more trouble than you want to be in."
The man studies the badge and flips through the papers, then looks up at Carlisle. "I'm sorry, Ms. Reynolds, I didn't realize."
"No harm done." She turns back to us after taking the badge back and smiles victoriously. "Back in the van, freaks!"
"Isn't there a regulation somewhere that says you can't call us... Ow!" Parker says.
And we're off... O'Neill made it a point to have someone else in the passenger's seat - moi! And the first thing I hear when we get into the car is Jason's shrill cry.
"Okay, who just grabbed my butt!? Oh God, not you Parker, please say it wasn't you!"
I look back at Edella, who's smiling devilishly from her seat, but trying to hide it.
Gotta love these people
"Wait a minute, you told him you were FBI?" What, is Carter deaf or something?
"Yeah." Carlisle answers, not looking up from her giant plate of ribs - that woman can definitely eat.
"And he believed you?"
"Yeah, not really that unbelievable - I mean, he was some small town boy that had obviously been watching too many episodes of the X-Files, and I had some paperwork and stuff."
"You have paperwork that says..."
"Yeah," Carlisle answers, not even allowing Major Carter to finish her sentence.
"Oh, please, she has the right papers to make people believe she's the *real* President of the United States." Jason mutters before he swipes his bread through the tomato sauce on his plate - the only evidence that there had been spaghetti there fifteen minutes ago.
"Really?" Daniel asks, his speech gaining a smile from Edella. She made us swear not to mention her attacking the cop around Dr. Jackson, and I won't, but I can't vouch for Voss. Voss is madly infatuated with Edella, who doesn't even bother talking to him much - unless, of course, he's interested in someone else, then she suddenly becomes highly possessive. And yes, he may not know what happened now, but after I tell him, he will! Then, I get to sit back and be entertained. "Why, er, I mean, how?"
"I'm just special, I guess." Carlisle answers, obviously not thrilled at the topic at hand. If she wanted to be truthful, she'd say that she saved them from her prior assignment, but I won't go into that right now.
"Look at the man with the like little head."
No one even bothers looking at Bambi - the poor thing is ignored *far* too often. I swear she's going to get a complex and then go homicidal on us. Small talk continues - Daniel and Edella discussing ancient civilizations, Parker trying to talk to Teal'c, but getting kinda nervous and stuttering, and Sam and Jack talking about magnets or something.
"Look at the man with the little head!"
Once again ignored. It's a pity really, because I have a feeling she's actually insane and should be put somewhere where people can help her, but no one bothers listening long enough to find out.
"Look at the man with freakin' *little* *head*!"
Uh oh. I didn't know she could scream quite that loudly, and her face is red from the exertion. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, in the restaurant is looking at us... including the man with the little head over yonder at another table. The first one to recover is Dr. Jackson, and he stands up and politely explains, "My mentally disturbed friend here was referring to... him," he points to Colonel O'Neill, and Major Carter smirks. "Please, enjoy your meals - I apologize for her outburst, I hope it didn't ruin your appetite."
"I have a little head, Daniel? You think I have a little head?" Jack queries, pretending to be hurt.
"Well, no, I just... that guy over there... I didn't..."
"It is kinda on the small side from this angle." Parker says with a straight face.
And Edella feels compelled to add, "And from this angle, I can barely see it - it's like when Babette stands sideways, she pretty much disappears. It's just like that... oh, where'd you go?!"
Our waitress comes and refills a few of our glasses. Just before she leaves, Parker grabs her arm, "Take me to your leader, dream woman."
"No, sir, but I'll take you to the dessert table."
Awww. Parker got rejected... again. Loser!
"Sean, maybe you should try some new pickup lines." Jason suggests. Mr. Jason Estes, the leading expert in the SPASOTM on relationships. No, I'm serious - he's been the most successful with the opposite sex... if you can call getting Carlisle a success.
"Like what?"
"Try complimenting a woman on her eyes, not her chest. You could try refraining from calling women 'dream woman' or 'sex kitten'."
"yeah! I'm getting sick of it, Parker!" Edella throws a piece of lobster across the table at him, but ends up hitting Carlisle, who in turn throws a leftover bone. Edella ducks and it lands a few feet behind her. Oops. We *so* did not do that if anyone asks.
"Like have you guys like noticed like how Revlon's new age blush doesn't stay on like after you wash your face?"
"Indeed."
I'm sorry, I must be going deaf - did Teal'c just agree with her? How would he know something like that?
Dr. Edella Frasier's POV
Perhaps I'm just not seeing the big picture here, but why is Parker sprawled across that pool table? Apparently, the hot guys trying to play don't see why, either. Unfortunately for Parker, they're a little more vocal - and physical - about it than I am. They've probably been in this bar a little longer and have had a few more drinks.
"What the hell are you doing?" The hottest one asks. He's got that blonde surfer guy thing going on... mmmmm. Focus, Edella! Focus!
"I'm a little tired."
"You're a little drunk, dumbass."
"If I'm a dumbass, then you're a dumber-ass."
Oooh boy, that doesn't go over too well. The two other hotties restrain the surfer guy when he goes to beat Parker up. I swear, do guys plan that? 'Yo dudes, if I get in a fight, restrain me so it looks like I'm dangerous, 'cause I don't wanna get my ass kicked' or something. Yeah, they make a little game plan before going into bars and stuff. I've just discovered yet another male mystery - aren't I awesome? I swear I need my own talk show or advice column!
If I turn away now, there's no reason I can be connected to any of this, and there's no way someone can make me feel guilty later for not helping him out. There's a fine looking group of gentlemen by the bar, but these stupid shoes I have to wear off-world are uncomfortable and I don't wanna walk over there.
It's just so unfair. We, of course, didn't have anything but the clothes we came through their Stargate in, so we didn't really get to change much. SG-1 had a few things we could wear, but shoes weren't among them, so I get to wear these stupid boots! If I was at home, I could wear my Prada sandals or Versace boots, but no! I'm not there! I'm here, and I don't wanna be. If I was back at Lachlan, I could drive home. I am truly awesome - what other person can say she's a paranormal expert in a secret government program *and* lives in Hollywood?
No one, 'cause I'm just too darn awesome.
Ewww, Sam and Jason are sitting over there being all... romantic. Jane's talking to some hottie, laughing at whatever he's saying (probably just humouring him, though). Carter and O'Neill are sitting at a table talking about one thing or another and smiling about it. Teal'c and Bambi are sitting somewhere and he looks absolutely bored, but she's not - and that's all that matters. It's always good if she's kept amused, as she sometimes feels obligated to give anyone with split-ends an on the spot haircut. Hmmm... where's Daniel? I think I saw him go into the bathroom.
I'll just slip through the room, going perfectly unnoticed because I'm just awesome like that. I should've been one of Charlie's Angels! My hair's a lot nicer than theirs ever was.
It says Men's Room, but does that mean that I'll get in trouble if I go in? We have a few coed bathrooms at Lachlan, so later, when I'm getting reprimanded, I can say I was confused and forgot that some are made for only one gender. Yep, that'll work. Got my story straight - now, to find Daniel!
Creeping in like a kitty - quiet and sleek - I see him at the mirror running a hand through his hair.
In my sexy seductress voice, I say, "Ya know, we have something in common."
He turns around, shocked that I'm in here, and starts to stammer. "I-I, wh... h... you... um, please don't say you're a... um, a man."
I giggle - not because it's funny, but because guys love it when you laugh at their jokes and make them feel all warm and fuzzy inside. "No silly, we're both highly overworked and underpaid."
He smiles, so do I. That was like the biggest lie I've ever told. *He* probably is overworked and underpaid, but me, I'm underworked and overpaid - but I'm not complaining. Seriously, I can't even think of the last time I did *real* work for the SPASOTM. In fact, have I ever? My suppose linguist skills have never come into play, and what is a paranormal expert actually supposed to do? Who knows!
"True, but, um, still doesn't explain, why... you're in... here." He may be able to speak a million other languages, but he sucks at forming sentences in English without sounding look a fool.
"I'm here," Pause for dramatic silence and so that I can corner him by the hand dryer thingy, "Because you looked so lonely out there." Oooh! I'm awesome! I've got that pouty little female thing going on! Look at me! Look at my pouty lip and big brown eyes! Pouty female right here!
His eyes go really wide, and if he was going for the sexy guy look, he missed it. He looks like a deer in the headlights. "Um, l-lonely? I... no, not at all. I'm fine. Lotsa people - no chance for... loneliness."
Oh, he wants to play hard to get, does he? Well then, I can be the predator!
Major Sam Carlisle's POV
Working with the SPASOTM, I've learned not to ask the obvious questions that pop into my mind, as I probably don't wanna hear the strange answers. But I am very tempted to ask why Edella came out with what seem to be Dr. Jackson's boxers stuffed in the canteen pouch she's turned into a purse (she's so artsy craftsy when it comes to that kinda stuff - can't be seen without accessories, after all). He came out moments later, red faced with the look of a rabbit that the cat allowed to get away after a good game of chase - disoriented and a little apprehensive.
She comes and sits next to Jason and I, and starts sighing heavily every few seconds. I know this sign - she wants me to ask what happened. But I'm not gonna do it. Nope. I don't wanna know. Sure, I'm a little curious, but I'm not asking. Nope.
Instead, I'll concentrate on the game of pool between Parker and Carter - if you can even call it a game. That poor guy's pride is probably being wounded pretty bad. She's whipping his ass beyond belief.
The guys that he managed to annoy earlier have been eyeing him suspiciously all night, and they've also had their eyes on Major Carter - not with the same intent in mind, of course. They wanna kick Parker's ass, and they want to... new topic to think about.
Or not.
The biggest guy out of Parker's little watchers goes up to Carter and says something - I'm outta hearing range, but it's obviously lewd, as she looks pretty ticked off. Turning her back and preparing to ignore him, she tries to go back to the pool game. Sadly, the big oaf isn't willing to let her do that and pulls the pool stick from her hands. O'Neill immediately jumps in (can't say that I didn't expect that), and Parker tries to be a man and stick up for her, too. He just looks pitiful when he does it.
Okay, the first punch has been thrown by the big oaf, and Parker just slapped him back! Way to go, Parker! Bitch slap him again - I'm sure he's terrified! Not. O'Neill decks him, and Jason goes to break it up, but gets hit.
I'm leaving. I grab Edella as I go, because knowing her, she'll end up getting involved somehow. I also get Bambi because contrary to popular belief, the poor thing can get really violent if the minute thoughts of makeup she has get interrupted.
I'm just glad I didn't bring Voss along.
"SG-1! I can't believe this, and don't try to tell me it was some alien virus, because that excuse only works so many times!"
Hammond looks mad. Not as mad as Wells was after we blew up that one building on accident, but mad enough to be a little scary. SG-1, including the ever stoic Teal'c, look guilty, while my little band of freaks look as if they couldn't care less.
We get yelled at a *lot*. Even Babette, who isn't military and rarely does anything that doesn't involved makeup or clothes, gets yelled at a lot. For instance, last week, she let out all the lab animals - later telling me that she's the 'General guy of the Fuzzy Things Revolution'. I nodded and smiled, as that's the only thing you can do with her. And another time, she got a pretty firm reprimand from Jason for trying to glue wings to the gerbils - thank God she didn't know where the hot glue guns were.
"And you, Major, what do you have to say for your people."
Awww, Jason's on the spot for us. Ha! I used to have to do that until the Marines were transferred in, 'cause I was the one that was always held responsible. Now, he is, and I can't say I'm not overjoyed.
"You didn't expect something like this to happen?" He asks innocently.
This is why General Wells encourages us *not* to go out in large groups, as something usually ends up destroyed by the end of the night or a city somewhere loses electricity temporarily.
"No, I honestly did not. I thought that a group of Air Force officers..."
"I'm not Air Force." Jason points out, gaining himself a glare.
"A group of officers could have a civilized outing."
"Being officers doesn't make them special - they're just glorified civilians with sidearms." Edella challenges - sheesh, civilians just don't know when to shut up.
"I don't have time to deal with this. An airman will show you to your rooms. You're due to leave tomorrow at 0900."
Major Jason Estes' POV
Ahh, the sounds of morning. Conversation buzzing in the commissary, forks and plates clinking, Edella arguing with the staff... it's the little things like these that make life worth living.
"All I want is a tomato! I don't want cereal or oranges - what freak eats those? I want a *real* fruit, one with flavor! I want a tomato!"
"What you wanna bet she climbs over the barrier and searches for a tomato herself in the next thirty minutes?" Jane proposes.
"I say fifteen, we leave in thirty and it's gonna take awhile to get out of this place." Carlisle says between mouthfuls of Froot Loops. I think this is the first time I've seen her eat actual breakfast food - her morning meal usually consists of cold pizza and Sprite.
"I bet she doesn't do it at all. I think she'll manage to restrain herself, so that Jackson thinks she's normal." We all nod in agreement. It'll be the usual fifty dollar amount all of our bets are. I bet there's a reg somewhere that says something about gambling... oh well.
"Like where's Voss?" Bambi barely gets the words out before Sam clamps a hand over the lieutenant's mouth.
"Shhhh... if we don't say anything, we may be able to leave him behind."
"Sam!" I can't believe what she's saying. She's going to try and abandon Lt. Voss here - it may be an interesting idea, but it's also pretty cruel.
"What? They're eventually gonna remember him, and then they'll send him on his merry way, but just think. Until then, the base will be so much more efficient."
"She's right," Jane offers with a thoughtful smile, "No more announcements from 'God' over the PA system, no more drag racing on carts down the halls, and no more hacking."
"You just wanna get back at him for..." I wave a hand, allowing that to continue my sentence for me, especially since she's looking *very* hostile - I really don't think it'd be in my best interest to mention that little ordeal with her nice pink panties.
"Are you telling me you don't want to see him pay for that time he had you dressed up like a Salsa dancer... a *female* Salsa dancer, Major Estes?"
Okay, that was a low blow - leave it to McFearce to make a hit below the belt.
The conversation quiets when Edella walks over (tomato-less, I might add) and slams the nearly empty tray down on the table. "Stupid people won't give me a tomato. All I wanted was a tomato! Why won't they give me a tomato!" She shakes her orange juice VERY vigorously and slams it down, not really interested in drinking it - just abusing it. "Ya know what, I'll meet you guys topside."
"Wait, what? Where are you going?" Carlisle questions. She probably doesn't trust Edella going off by herself on a strange base, considering she manages to get lost in *ours* sometimes and it's about half the size of this one.
"I left something in my quarters."
She's lying. Yep, I can tell she's lying. For anyone who may ever find this knowledge useful, Edella Frasier's pupils grow *very* big when she tells a lie, and she tosses her hair over her shoulder, then runs a hand through it. She does that *every* time she tells a lie.
"Okay, but if you're not up there, you're getting left behind." I say as threateningly as possible. She knows we'll do it, too. We left her behind on a planet once, but we knew it was safe... she didn't, though, and she freaked out big time.
"Sirs, I believe we should start going topside." The airman that's been assigned to lead us around says as authoritatively as he possibly can. I swear we look like baby ducks following him around - we all line up in a single file line behind him, and Parker's our straggler. Every so often, Jane has to yell at him to keep him in line.
I wish we had a mountain facility like this - that'd be *so* sweet. But no, we have a base in the middle of a freakin' desert. We don't have nice gentle breezes, we have... heat, and a lot of it. We're inevitably waiting for Edella, and obviously she's not with Dr. Jackson as I'd presumed, because he's standing here with the rest of SG-1.
We get to ride in a miniature bus to some little airport where Wells has sent a plane (piloted by Hunter no less... I wonder if it'll even be there, considering Hunter's flying abilities) to pick us up. And when we get there, the inevitable 'I wanna fly' argument will ensue and feelings will be hurt.
"It was nice meeting you." Dr. Jackson offers as he extends his hand to each of us. "And I'm sure we'll probably end up keeping in touch, considering we both have a lot of enemies and... we could help eachother or something."
Oh yeah, we could offer a lot of help. Bambi and Babette could give them facials, Voss could hack their system, Hunter could harass their women, Edella can molest their linguist... yeah, we'd be a lot of help. Now them, *they* could be some help.
"Live long and prosper," O'Neill attempts to do the finger thing Spock does, but gives up after a few seconds.
"Like Daniel said, we probably will keep a line of communication open, given the circumstances and nature of both programs."
We all turn to Teal'c, but he doesn't say anything, and he seems to be oblivious to the fact that we're waiting for a nice eloquent 'buhbye' or something. It never comes, but Edella does!
She's running quite awkwardly with a duffel bag. Where did she get that?
"Let's go," She urges, pushing us all toward the bus, obviously in a hurry. Just as she's shoved us all in, she turns to Dr. Jackson and smiles. "Buhbye." She says it in this sickeningly sweet voice - gag me, please!
I grab a window seat and pull the window down so I can enjoy the breezes while I can, and I hear part of a conversation before the bus departs.
"Sir, did you know they barely recognize the chain of command and they hardly follow orders?"
"No, Carter, but I kinda figured. Besides, since when do we follow orders all the time?"
Now that the engine drowns out that potentially interesting conversation, I turn my attention to Edella who's unzipping her duffel bag in the seat in front of me. Without her knowledge, I lean over and see that it's full of boxers. I don't have to be a genius to know who those belong to.
Civilians are weird.
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