Hive Virus von Havocthecat

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Written for for the Sam Carter Ficathon. The recipient was Sharim, who wanted humor, Sam kicking ass, and a team moment, but not sap, babies, or pizza and poker night.
"Why are we here again?" asked Jack, ducking down a featureless gray corridor that looked like all of the other featureless gray corridors they'd ducked down for the past two hours or so.

"Because we're idiots?" suggested Daniel. He frowned. "Why don't the bad guys ever put up directional signs in their evil lairs?"

"Because they're the bad guys," said Jack, peering back the way he came, looking for oncoming Wraith. "And we're not idiots."

"I believe that Daniel Jackson is correct," said Teal'c. He sent a hail of bullets off from both P-90s at an oncoming Wraith guard. The guard fell, his featureless gray mask thudding heavily on the corridor.

"Nope," said Jack. "Can't be. Not possible. I'm in charge here, remember? So if I say we're not idiots, we're not idiots. Okay?"

Sam snorted as she studied the walls. "While you're at it, sir, would you mind telling the laws of physics to ease up on me a bit?"

Jack's gaze flickered over to Sam, then back to the hallway. "Carter, do you mind? Everyone else is ganging up on me, and now you've gotta join in?"

"Of course not, sir," said Sam smoothly. She pulled her knife out of its sheath and started prying at an access panel.

"I get less respect now than before the stars," grumbled Jack.

"Of course not, sir," said Sam, working at the panel. The way she wasn't smirking said a whole lot right now. "We all respect you just as much as we did before your promotions."

The access panel clattered to the ground, and Daniel winced. "Do you mind?" he asked. "Bad guys? Trying to find us and suck the life out of us, remember?"

"I miss when you just had to worry about a snake burrowing into the back of your neck and taking over your body," said Jack.

"Yeah, those were the days," muttered Sam, rolling her eyes as she studied the wiring. "McKay leaves crap for notes on hive ships."

"Just get in there and start ripping out cables, Carter!" exclaimed Jack, firing off a short burst.

"You say that now, but just wait until the artificial gravity goes out," said Sam.

"The artificial gravity will not go out." They whirled around, guns at the ready, and pointed at the redheaded Wraith queen and two guards who'd managed to flank them. "You will be dead long before our systems are at risk."

"Oh, please," muttered Sam, who'd glanced at the Wraith queen and gone back to fidgeting with the wiring. "Why are the most annoying bad guys always redheads?"

"I'd hardly call Hathor and--" Daniel looked almost politely at the Wraith queen. "I'm sorry, but do you happen to have a name we can address you by?"

"I am your death, and the death of all your kind," said the Wraith queen.

"Yes, I'm very sure," said Daniel patronizingly. "Not like we haven't heard that one before. Anyway, Sam, I'd hardly call Hathor and Miss Death Of All Your Kind here a valid statistical sample."

"I don't know," said Sam, stepping away from the panel and glaring at the guard shoving her toward the queen. Her voice stayed calm--even slightly bored-sounding. "I don't think statistics can accurately represent the level of annoyance."

"I don't care, you two," said Jack. He sighed exaggeratedly and rolled his eyes when the guards disarmed them.

"Are we ready, Colonel Carter?" asked Teal'c.

"I've been ready for a while now," said Sam. She clicked her radio on. "Now, McKay!"

There was a hissing sound, and a burst of smoke from the control panel, and the lights on the Wraith ship dimmed and went out.

"Was this part of the plan?" asked Jack plaintively, ducking and drawing a knife, then, in one smooth stroke, slicing the Wraith guard's throat.

"McKay wasn't supposed to hack in and cut the power," said Sam, ducking and sweeping the legs out from under the Wraith queen she'd just twisted out of the grasp of. "Just trigger the program and copy the files."

"I hate it when they get creative," said Jack.

"I have faith in Colonel Carter's abilities with regards to improvisation," said Teal'c, shooting the Wraith nobleman three times with a zat.

"Hard to regenerate when you're disintegrated," said Daniel. "Can we get out of here now?"

"Are we good, Carter?" asked Jack.

The Wraith queen screamed, a loud, shrill sound that cut off abruptly as Sam's P-90 discharged. The rest of SG-1 hit the deck, three bodies thudding heavily against the slick floor to avoid a hail of bullets.

"The queen's dead, that's a start," said Sam, slightly breathless.

"In the future, warning would be appreciated," said Teal'c. In the glare of the flashlight Sam clicked on, his expression was irritated. He stood and held out his hand. Sam slapped the flashlight into it with a slightly sheepish grin, and he held it up for Sam while she checked out the control panel. She was tapping keys and inputting lines of code while muttering under hear breath.

"Carter--" Jack tapped his watch and gave her an expectant look.

"Good to go, sir," said Sam, glancing up at him and beaming.

"Daniel, radio the Daedalus, tell them to beam us up," said Jack.

"How many years have you been waiting to say that?" asked Daniel, blinking at him.

"More years than you can count," interjected Teal'c.

"I thought so," muttered Daniel.

"Just call in the damn pick-up!" exclaimed Jack.

***

"So your mission's objectives were achieved?" asked Elizabeth, when they'd gathered back in Atlantis' briefing room.

"We've got the solution right here," said Sam, patting her laptop. "Isolated from the network, just in case, but I should be able to come up with enough information on the trip back to get the Wraith virus out of Area 51's computer systems."

"I still cannot believe that the Wraith were able to affect such a distant galaxy unknowingly," said Teyla.

"See, that's the thing," said Sam, leaning forward, hands out and in lecture pose.

Jack knew better than to sigh out loud or roll his eyes. It was amazing the number of ways a perfectly respectful subordinate like Carter could find to let you know you were being an ass unnecessarily.

"We don't think they were trying to," continued Sam. "We think they were trying to steal technical data from a rival hive ship, and the Daedalus just happened to cross its path at exactly the wrong time."

"Yes, that's why--" started McKay.

"Rodney," said Elizabeth, her arms crossed as she leaned back in her chair.

"Yes, yes, all right, let Colonel Carter do it, since she's been working it more," said Rodney, waving his hand at Sam.

"Thank you, McKay," said Sam, smiling at him tightly. Then she looked back at Teyla, all attention focused on her explanation. "See, when the Daedalus intercepted a virus meant for a different operating system, the virus went a little haywire, and its stealth functions took over until it could get into a network where it could expand to its pre-programmed parameters--"

"Carter," said Jack, using his best General Lecture Voice.

"Sir?" asked Sam, looking like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.

"So basically what you're saying is the Wraith made a boo-boo and we're stuck fixing it?"

"Right," said Sam, nodding and smiling at him in a way that promised he'd be suffering for a week after they got back to Earth.

Well, if he was stuck, he was stuck. "And you're saying that you can fix it?" asked Jack. "Right?"

Teyla's glance was flickering between them, he expression carefully neutral, except in the half-second she took to glance at Elizabeth. Jack could've sworn he saw a flicker of amusement pass between the two women.

"And you'll be able to use that information to deconstruct the programming language of the Wraith?" asked Elizabeth, leaning forward intently.

"I think so," said Sam.

"Wonderful," said Elizabeth. "And you'll be sending all your data back here so that Rodney and Radek can analyze how we can use it best for Atlantis' purposes?"

"Absolutely, Dr. Weir," said Sam, nodding and smiling.

"Then let's get you back to Earth," said Elizabeth, smiling diplomatically and pushing back from the table. "General Landry's been calling for a status report every hour on the hour, and we're due to hear from him in--"

"Five minutes," announced Rodney.

"Let's dial 'em up first and surprise Hank, then," said Jack, standing as well. He nodded. "Dr. Weir."

"General O'Neill," said Elizabeth, her lips curving into a polite smile. She touched her headpiece. "Dial Earth," she said, glancing in the direction of the 'gate room.
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